How My Self Esteem Dropped When Quitting My Job to Follow My Music Dreams

I've noticed a massive hit to my self esteem / self worth / confidence as I've been going through this period of transition in life. I was very self assured my entire life always knowing what I wanted and going full force to build my businesses. I used to feel better than everyone else and have so many things to brag about -- I had businesses I started when I was only 22, I owned multiple businesses, i had employees, i was one of the favorite teachers at my yoga studio, I had a podcast, I was writing a book etc... I could list of this LONG list of accomplishments and things I'm doing. I took pride in my busy-ness and how people would look at me and be impressed at 'how do you do all this stuff?!!?" 

In the past year, I've let go of businesses and projects, took a painful paycut in doing so, so now I'm functioning on low income with very few things on my to-do list and all my energy goes towards music music music. Last night I stepped back and gave myself praise for how much I've accomplished so far with music and I realized I haven't given myself any credit for it. In my eyes it's a silly dream and I gave up a respectable career for it and now I view myself and weaker, a financial burden to my husband (we split expenses normally and he has had to pay for me a lot lately which I'm not comfortable with because I feel less confident than before about my ability to make money), a flaky starving artist dreamer instead of a powerful business woman and I fear other people will view me this way too. 

I also have so much of my self worth wrapped up in how my husband views & treats me. I pendulum from feeling very vulnerable and clingy to him (which makes him feel stifled) and feeling very cold and independent like a boss that doesn't have time for him (which makes him feel neglected). I'm struggling to find balance in doing my own thing and share life with him too. I want to feel excited to work and excited to play - not just one or the other. I want to feel proud of myself again so I can introduce myself at a party with confidence and joy instead of self doubt. I haven't been owning my work with pride, I've been doing it because I feel like I have to - even music, I feel like it's a soul calling I often I have to do it, like an obsession and it can take me away from the people in my life. I worry that I can't have the social life and the music accomplishments together - I fear the sacrifice is too great in either direction...not following dreams is painful and following dreams is also painful. 

cha wilde - writing music - post it notes
Cha WildeComment