If It's Not a HELL YES, It's a No - Pondering My Destiny Naked

'Fuck." I watched this word literally slip out of my mouth, my chin dropped, staring down at my phone.

It's 100 degrees outside, my boyfriend and I are lying naked on the couch downstairs trying to stay cool. We're listening to metal music (because I'm on a mission to learn how to appreciate music that I've always hated). I grab my phone and open Instagram to post a picture that I took earlier today of us at the beach. BUT the first picture that pops up is a post by @alevidal and for some reason I decide to click on her name and explore her Instagram feed. That led me to her blog and as I watched the most recent blog post load on my Samsung Galaxy 7S screen (yay for new phones with pretty screens) my mouth opened and I literally watched the word "fuck" slip off my tongue. 

That was it. This amazingly talented photographer/videographer specializes in creating promotional photos and videos for other creative businesses and brands. Her job is to create photos/videos that make other businesses (her clients) look AMAZING. It's 'dope as fuck' as the kids say these days. So what's my problem?

Well, I do the same thing. I recently launched my own business called "Chamonix Films" that does the same thing. I know I have the technical skills and creative potential to produce work at the same tier as her BUT it hit me that I just don't have the drive or calling for it. I see my work as totally elementary compared to hers and I just don't feel the motivation to put in the hours and sweat it would take to get to where she is. Ever since joining the photography/videography industry I've felt like I didn't quite fit in, like I've been striving to be like these superstar artists that lead the way and everyone worships them (and I hate that I fall into that category too...the worshipers), and I feel discouraged that I could never compare or I won't get that necessary stroke of luck or opportunity that's required for me to accomplish what they've done. I look at her work and I feel captivated and envious. I love it and I want it for myself. I want to have my name on it, I want the credit for creating something as beautiful as that. It makes me feel underwhelmed by my own work - it's not that great in comparison. I lose appreciation for what I created - now it's just mediocre. 

So lying here naked, I ponder...do I want to be a phenomenal photographer/filmmaker like her? Do I want to dedicate my time and energy to that visual art form, networking with that group of people, working for those artists? Do I want to grow my new business to be more like hers or take try and discover my own powerful style or should I just stop. Just stop all together and focus all my energy on what's flowing naturally. And by naturally I mean, where am I shining and excelling without having to force something? Where is greatest flowing without resistance? Where am I being set free by myself...i.e. my gut instinct is NOT holding me back?

I read a quote once... "If it's not a HELL YES, then it's a no."
I use this as my measuring stick for all sorts of decisions. It's so obvious when I put two things side by side and ask this questions.

For example... 
"Do you want to be an incredible promotional video filmmaker?" - Yah...that'd be awesome." "Are you willing to put in the work required?" - 'Meh. Maybe.'


"Do you want to be an incredible musician?" - "Hell yes."
"Are you willing to put in the work required?" - "Hell yes!'

Now what do you think I should do with my one short precious life?
I think I'll start by getting off this couch and going to grab my guitar. Time to practice scales. Do Re Mi