My Exciting Bachelorette Life - Falling in Love with Two Men
Last night I was waiting for a photo shoot to start - I had 30 minutes on Capitol Hill in Seattle...I searched for a Starbucks and gave up almost immediately. I plopped down on the grass beside the sidewalk on some random neighborhood street, laid back (it smelled like pee but I didn't care enough to move), and I stared up at the blue sky - airplanes crossing overhead, and I sent a long message to my best friend Krista.
I spilled the beans on what's currently happening my life story. I'm running my portrait photography business, I'm exploring the new avenue of pursuing fashion photography, I'm feeling the undeniable dream of pursuing my music career and the excitement of finally taking actual steps towards it. Part of me wants to live a peaceful life with a vegetable garden. Part of me wants to sell everything and travel the world as a touring musician. I want to live simply and I want to live crazy. I want to wake up and feel excited about my life and have no regrets. I have an ex-husband who was my first love who I thought I'd be with forever. That rocked my work and taught me that the future truly doesn't exist. I thought it did - I thought our white picket fence dream future was real but surprise surprise...it was so NOT real that it will NEVER exist.
I've spent the last year dating a man who I now love, who reminded me what it is like to LIVE, to be playful, the push my boundaries and comfort zones, to face my fears, to push myself, to actively seek out the fun and not be afraid to be loud and obnoxious. BUT, I also spent the past year hiding myself from this man. I was recovering from my marriage and divorce. I was weak, wounded, scared, lacking confidence and self-esteem, desperate to live again. I couldn't let him see my weakness. I needed him to think I was 150% confident and untouchable. If I could convince him that I was that strong and unshakably happy, maybe I could convince myself of that too and then I would actually become that. I didn't give him any indication that I was afraid of singing in front of people because if he knew that it would be even scarier. Why is it so scary to do things in front of people when you know that they know that you're scared to do those things? Maybe it's because they feel the weight of the action and they'll pay more attention to you. If they think you don't care then they probably won't even watch you or think too much about it.
But now, I am a strong warrior dragon woman. I spent the pass year healing - learning to take care of myself, learning to not need anyone else, learning to feel pain and move forward with a smile anyway, learning to be honest about what I truly want and how to protect myself from outward attacks. Obviously, I have built up quite a wall between myself and my boyfriend. I kept him at an arms length - not sharing myself to my fullest depth because I didn't think he would receive it. I haven't shared fully with him and he hasn't shared fully with me. Last night we stayed up until 2am breaking through some walls and I realized that I have been making completely wrong assumptions about him for 12 months. I thought he was a good guy, very generous, very sexy, but missing the same depth that I like to live in - living without a sense of childlike wonder and magic. It hurt him so badly when I shared this perspective with him. When he gave me a little insight into the depths of his soul, I realized we have a lot of catching up to do.
I started spending time with Vinny about a month ago after Life in Color. Falling in love with him has been exciting because we are able to communicate our ideas, feelings and worldviews so effectively. I feel safe sharing myself with him because he receives what I saw so openly and kindly and he is so honored by my presence. We have the same dreams and goals. We have the same bright sun energy that wants to light up the world. We've both felt alone until now. We are both suns and suns can get lonely because they're so busy shining on the world but nobody every lights up THEIR day. Finding another sun who wants to float through space in the same direction and me is exciting. We are binary suns.
So I called Krista and was like...what the fuck!!! I'm in the middle of my life story and it's getting super interesting. It's becoming a page turner. What is going to happen?! Is she going to be a fashion photographer? Is she going to go after her music dreams? Is she going to end up with Davey or Vinny or someone else or lots of people or nobody? What's going to happen!!! Confusing being in the middle of this story but I'm so grateful that my life story is getting so exciting. Perfect.
**PS: Davey & Vinny know what's going on. Not surprisingly, these two men in my life are beautifully open minded, supportive and able to patiently let me make my own decisions for my own life story and happiness. They are not jealous, angry or pressuring. They love me and they believe that everyone is on their own path and if our paths cross for a time then we enjoy with gratitude and if they part ways, then so be it. I love them both. I am so happy that the gravity of my sun has attracted two such incredible individuals who wish to share my company.