I wanted to cancel this show so badly. I was hacking up a lung, dying of the flu, on my period, exhausted from the holidays, lying pathetic on my couch, crying and stressed by the fact I just agreed to perform and I still had no idea how to work with the buttons on my equipment or arrange my songs. I was going through all the reasons why a music career is a very bad idea and why it was a total mistake to agree to perform at Conor Byrne Pub. I wasn’t planning on performing until May. They asked me to perform on Jan 16. I should have said no. I’m not ready. My songs aren’t mixed yet. I’m trying too hard. Nobody will come. Everybody will come. Expectations are too high in my head. I’m not aligned with my deepest meaning in life and I’m going off track. I shouldn’t want the spotlight. I should be a monk. This is my calling. You love this. I don’t believe myself. Don’t let yourself down. Don’t be so hard on yourself. Blah blah blah.
Davey said, “You’ll be amazing.” That didn’t help. Added more pressure. My girlfriends reminded me that I love making music and connecting with people. I have been dreaming of performing my music and so full of light and joy around it. I just need to go through this moment of challenge. THE BIGGER THE BARF, THE BIGGER THE GROWTH. If I chickened out of this show, it would be another notch on my belt of shame, self sabbatoge, avoidance, and “what the fuck is wrong with me” nasty thinking. I’ve loved music my entire life but I spent the first 26 years avoiding singing on stage. If there was a school play, I would sign up for stage crew. If my college roommate went to choir auditions, I would say I was busy doing homework. When church choir needed a soprano soloist, I dropped my voice and pretended to be an alto so I could sing with the boys and never have to step into the center stage spotlight. And yet, secretly, I was obsessed with Taylor Swift. Her hair was permed. I permed mine. I saw her in a magazine with a red guitar. My first guitar was red. I traveled by bus across Scotland to buy that first guitar and I played for hours a day self-teaching when I was 21. I sang in the car for at least 1-2 hours a day when I was in high school and relished this privacy to sing like a star. I never went to concerts though because it was too painful in my soul to watch other people doing what I secretly wanted to do. I dreamed of performing and never took action. It was took scary. I loved it too much to fail. God, I hated American Idol and how people would be laughed at. I was deadly afraid that I thought I was amazing at singing but if I ever sang in public, American Idol would happen. Everyone would laugh and whisper, “I can’t believe she thinks she’s actually good.”
When I was 25, I was in a yoga teacher training and my teacher encouraged me to dig deep inside and find out where I was holding back in life. Music. She encouraged me to sing. I trembled and cried and everyone in the room waited and waited. 45 minutes later, I was singing, opera style. Letting it the fuck out! Something in me had broken. That was the beginning of me singing in public and embracing the fact that I want to perform. The dreams that were so secret were coming out to play. It’s been almost five years since that day in the yoga studio and I have faced the challenges; learning instruments, stepping on stage, learning production, posting videos of myself singing etc… My friends have held my hand and cheered me on and devoted countless hours in conversation with me digging through my fears and doubts. So for me to come this far, break through all those level and then right now, when shit is about to blossom, I’m going to cancel the show and run away? No fucking way. I still don’t know why I was so afraid of sharing music as a kid, what kind of subtle trauma closed up my throat chakra. Maybe I’ll never know why I shut down (my mom seriously never heard me sing between the ages of 3 and 26). What I do know is that I never want to go back to that secrecy. My desire to cancel the show was an old habit, an attempt as holding back, staying small, playing it safe.
“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.” — Anaïs Nin
This quote has stuck in my mind since childhood. As I laid sick on the couch, thinking of canceling my show, I said this quote over in my head. I realized that today is THE DAY. Performing was stressing me out and stress is painful and harmful but I believed that following through with the show would break me through to a new level of freedom in life. I had to go through. Cancelling the show would just cause me greater pain and lifelong harm, damage to my spirit. Don’t die a bud. Blossom now. Then you can die happy later. ;)
Great, we’re gonna blossom but how do we actually get up on that stage? How do we go from sickness to enthusiasm? These are the specific things I did to change my mindset and on the night of the performance, not only was I not afraid, I wasn’t even nervous. I was calm and excited. Ready.
Focus on Love: You started on your journey because you loved something so much it called you forward. I LOVED music so much that I just had to learn how to make it myself. I would be dancing at concerts, overwhelmed with love for this magical mysterious musical thing. That love is what called me onto the stage. So walk onto the stage with love. I love my songs like children. I’m proud of them. I will put my songs in the spotlight so they can be loved by the world and I will stand with them (dance with them more like) BECAUSE I freaking love them. I have fun creating my music, dancing to it in my garage, playing it for friends. Why would I suddenly be shy to play it on stage? If I walk on stage and focus on fear, I’m totally missing out on a chance to enjoy my music in a new way, a bigger way. Go up there for your music!
Focus on Service: Somebody needs what you have. I’ve had life changing moments at concerts, dancing to somebody else’s music, because they had courage to walk on stage. Other people’s music gets me through the moments of my life, so I know I’m connected. Somebody out there in the audience, is going to feel connected when you perform. Go up there for them.
Focus on Growth: “It doesn’t matter how slow you go, as long as you don’t stop.” My grandparents said this. Step by step we move towards our goals and our dreams blossom into reality. We blossom. Think of how amazing it is watching the people you love do cool shit. Now it’s your turn. Grow into the next version of yourself. Find out who you will become. Find out what you will become. Show up for yourself. Evolve!
Focus on Joy: Happy humans are singing, dancing, laughing and playing. Life is full of shit and so we must celebrate as much as possible. Give everyone a reason to celebrate tonight. Your friends have a cool reason to come out dancing! You and everyone at the venue are going to party and dance. Tonight could be the last night of eternity so dance away! You’ve worked so hard for a year to create this music. Don’t die off at the last moment. Finish! Celebrate all this hard work you’ve done. It’s show and tell time! You’ve created music that is full of joy. Go celebrate!
Focus on Being Part of the Universe: I have a beautiful gift to give to the world (and so do you) and I need to share my gift (and so do you), or else I will die inside (and so will you). We are a channel that a message is passing through and when we stop the flow, our souls and spirits stagnant like swampy water. Keep the river flowing. Let the art pass through you. We are going to feel sick to our stomachs, doubting, shaking. It’s a lot to ask of a little human. The greatness of the universe, the power of creation, is going to possess our bodies and we’re expected to just ride it like a wave. We’re surfing on this big scary ocean but remember…when we do it, when we stand up and catch that wave, holy fuck, we’re stoked.
stoke (v.)
1680s, "to feed and stir up a fire in a fireplace or furnace,"
from Middle Dutch stoken "to poke, thrust,"
from Proto-Germanic *stok- "pierce, prick,"
from PIE *steug-, extended form of root *(s)teu- (1) "to push, stick, knock, beat" (see stick (v.)).
Meaning "to stir up, rouse" (feelings, etc.) is from 1837. Stoked "enthusiastic" recorded in surfer slang by 1963, but the extension of the word to persons is older, originally "to eat, to feed oneself up" (1882).
When you share your art, you are opening yourself up and giving the universe permission to poke you, push you, stir something up in you. You are saying, “Okay, do something with me!” — during and afterwards, you feel the rush! The surfers get it. You paddle out onto the ocean and you say, let’s do this. Carry me. I’ll ride the wave you send me. You wait. You feel the wave coming towards you, lifting under you, washing away and you’re left there, exhilarated, enthused, filled with the power of God and life, and holy shit what just happened!?! We cannot control the ocean of water or the ocean of creativity or the ocean of life. The oceans invite us to ride on them and as a reward for our boldness to accept that seductive invitation we are stoked and we come alive! You are what you eat. When you create art, you are filling yourself with the creative power of the universe that expands through us in every direction. The universe is feeding you, feeding your soul. You become one with the universe.
So I didn’t cancel the show. Thank god. I got through the scary part. My body threw a fever to burn away the flu virus. My spirit threw a fever to burn away a lifetime of built up fear around performing. The fevers broke. Now, I laugh at the how scared I was and I’m grateful I held steady at the helm. I sailed through the storm and now, the skies are clear and I’m hella excited to get my name signed up for as many shows and festivals as we can this year. Bring on the experience. We made it out of the starting gate and momentum is building. Totally stoked. Also, this show reminded me of how community is all that matters. Loving each other, showing up to support each other and dance and cheer, helping each other set up and taken down, carry stuff to the car. Be there for your friends. They will be there for you. Again and again. Keep showing up for each other and make these friends so strong they are your life.
LOVE,
CHA🍍WILDE
— At the end of the show, Davey tossed me up on his shoulders, all my friends came up on stage with me and we screamed, “1.2.3. WILDE!” for a photo. Thanks guys! I love you. It was SOO COOL hearing my music for the first time through giant stage speakers!! The whole room was shaking and it made people dance! Every time the beat came in I was thrilled by the surprise of how powerful it was, i kept looking at davey and laughing whenever the speakers went BOOMBOOMWUBWUBWUB!!!! Haha more please! 🍍✌🤩🎶🎧💻
