I've been operating with the belief that I have to put in all this work, the 4 hrs of disciplined practice, the hours and hours of time training and practicing to rehearse and it all feels so off putting now. I want to create with free flow fun.
I have done that hard work and preached about it. Can I now possibly create music from a place of feminine gentle flow that is more easy relaxed and enjoyable? That really does ease through me without such painful effort? Is there a need way for me to create music?
What will this look like and where will it lead me?
Music has seemed so mathematical and voices have warned me that this industry is so impossible, broken and endless hard work alone in a cave, grueling on the road and unhealthy as our sensitive artist souls wither and writhe as we self medicate with sex, drugs and rock and roll.
My heartbreak slowed me to a stop as I accepted these warnings and felt my body give out under the duress of performance, promotion and practice. I simply wasnt meeting enough people who inspired me to play. What once was so magical I rearranged my whole life for it, became solid, heavy, serious and downright sad. I felt too vulnerable and exposed.
And now I find this little seed of hope inside me. Could it really be possible that it could be different? Can I create a different experience for myself and for the women around me, the women who come close to me to learn the magic in the music, the women who drink this medicine and long to be free? Can I lead a revolution when I don't even know how or what exactly to change? There is a sign in my studio -- a sign is an over exaggeration. It’s a page I ripped out of a guitar center magazine. — It says "Believe in the Power of Music" and it has gotten me through again and again to the point aw here I question my own sanity. My brother saw it and said "that's cheesy" and I still keep it there.
I still want to believe in the power of music. I still want to be a thriving healthy joyful human. I don’t want to be an unhealthy poor struggling lonely artist. I want to believe that the dreams I saw in my head are real...real as in really possible and if I show up they actually found to happen. Am I delusional? Hopeful? Am I a fool in this path I keep walking or a brave leader. God, I pray that I am brave leader.
