94% humidity makes it harder to breath. Just walking around town, flat ground and fit body, I have to sit down and catch my breath. Sometimes I’m dizzy. A long walk this morning to the Post Office to send gifts and paintings back to America. Mom will care for them until I return. Multiple withdrawals from the ATM to stock up on cash before leaving Bali. A boat leaves for the Nusas in a couple hours and once I hit the water there will be almost no ATMs for a week. Bags packed at the AirBnb, I spend my last hour in the jungle purchasing a new pair of flippyfloppys!
The healthier my body becomes the more I lean into healthy habits and the unhealthy habits just drop away. They fade into my disinterest. I have an actual repulsion to the unhealthy habits. I’d rather have smoothie than coffee. I’d rather have vegetable than even chocolate! I’d rather listen to music than binge on any scrolling distraction. The rain of Ubud washed away the coping methods that had been holding me together. I turned through all the habits and crunches; sex, food, chocolate, coffee, messaging everyone. The only things I didn’t turn to were scrolling social media and watching Netflix. Those habits are long gone in my past, haven’t been in my field of awareness for a few years at least.
When I first landed in Bali, I didn’t want to listen to music. Who am I in the silence? Only in the silence can I feel the music. Only in the silence, can I listen deeper to myself. The music has returned to me now. A long stretch of silence, I kept filling it with vices until the pain I was avoiding was fully felt. And like I keep saying, the jungle raindrops welcomed my tears to come out and play with them. Splash splash and let it go!
Water is dripping onto the floor beneath the clothing I’ve hung around the bungalow. Deep sea waves crashed over the boat and the pink duffel bag was submerged…all the canvases and all the clothing. It is beautiful fortune the watercolor paper was store in a different backpack and the finished paintings were shipped to America this morning. Near miss. Had the watercolor paintings been in that bag they would be looking completely different now, smeared and blended beyond control.
Tourists are landing their legs in salty water and walking up the perfectly soft white sand, looking around for a driver to take them to hotels. This entire island is connected by broken roads and golf-cart like cars, trucks and trolleys ferry humans to and fro between hotel, restaurants, spas and boats. I appreciate the limitations. Ubud was overwhelming at times with how any activities, sights and roads could be chosen. I feel the soul in this body relaxing inside the simple beach life. Again, the feeling of “I never want to leave” is flowing in my blood. I smile to myself and wonder how many days will pass before I shake that feeling and look to the horizon with fresh curiosity.
The boat ride to this island awakened my spirit. I felt joy flush through, an uncontrollable smile, laughter even, as the rain and waves soaked hair, shoulders, clothing and eyebrows. I was drenched and in love with this magical moment. Headphones playing EDM, a piece of dark chocolate melting on the tongue and a child next to me in the same blissed out state. The boat was packed with forward facing adults keeping somewhat dry while this boy and I stuck out heads and hands out the window to be with the weather. Water and air washing this body clean. Cleanse me! The grounding earth and transforming fire have had their way with me in the jungle hills. I look out at blue and grey and feel I am the most solid thing out here. The water surface is dusted with white sparkles, raindrops on rolling ocean swells.
Umbrellas cover each tombstone. The truck bounces along the broken road quickly by the cemetery nested in the forest. Something bangs along the roof of the truck carrying us tourists through the island jungle. Mangos, not monkeys.
Mud squishes between my toes as I walk barefoot down the rock and sandy road. He dropped me off and the pointed “hotel that way”. The men who welcome me into Le Nusa Beach Club struggle under the weight of my waterlogged bags. I love everything about this.
My feet love the sand, little white speckles on my toes. The stones catch my eye, such an unusual shape. I think of my father, a geologist, and wonder what rock lesson he would give me now.
Wet umbrella in the corner, bugs dancing in the lamp light. The flying bugs occasionally tickle my skin, distracting me from this book that just made me laugh out loud. Shantaram! Watermelon juice and guacamole. Healthy food is harder to find on this beach. I watch the nightfall from a cliff above the waves and send pictures to people I love, people who support me, people who are so thrilled to see me at the beach. I turn off my Kindle, pay my bill and walk to another white mosquito netted bed to lay my body onto lavender scented pillows.
My final thoughts before sleep, typed quickly into phone notes...
“And now I’m into adulthood and onwards towards death, reaching back into memories of a wonderful childhood, I can remember life before I realized where I was headed. Childhood was this gift from my parents, a moment of life before I understood the end of it. Childhood was a glimpse into eternity. Childhood was taste of freedom I would crave forever and walk the long short road of my life to find again so I may die in my childlike spirit, free and at peace in the wonder.”
Love and Rainbows!
Cha Wilde