Sept 25, 2022 - Tegallalang, Bali
It’s easier to keep walking. Sometimes the higher calling, the challenge to greatness, is to sit down.
While watching the ladies take pictures of themselves on the jungle swings…. My vulnerability is being seen as just another tourist, another person in line to take a photo for Instagram. I love to tell the story. I feel painful resistance to being photographed in these tourist spots. I feel pressure to perform and participate. It is more uncomfortable to join the crowd when I’m alone. I appreciate the pink blossoms and the dresses flowing through the air as the women swing. What are you afraid of? Feeling awkward and being seen. Must I jump at the fun thing? Sometimes I’d rather just hide because my chest is tight and I’m afraid of being uncomfortable. I feel a part of me sitting there watching and wishing I could participate, wanting someone to grab my hand and make me go. It takes courage for me to swing like this, to step out and do a physical activity in public..even a fun one. I know that must seem silly to many people. Every experience is worth having. Lose control for a moment. I am free to move at my own pace and now parts of me want to move faster. They want wind, water, change, swings, scooters, risks, rafting, thrill and fun! These parts of me want to push and feel the release of endorphins and breakthrough. I will swing and I will swing when I’m ready. Not like this, not for Instagram.
My parts have felt rushed since I was a child. I was race to brush my hair and teeth. I learned in my twenties I tried brushing slowly for the first time and the anxiety disappeared. It really is enough to just be and that’s all I’ve ever wanted. I move at my own pace and that pace is slow. I still feel my mother and hyper friends in my body, memories of what it is like to be with them. They jump at fun without second thoughts and I seem to need a moment of stillness before I am wholeheartedly open to fun. My parts are young and cautious, asking for a moment alone, quiet with my journal, observing from a hidden spot. What is this fun everyone is having? When I am ready, I will join. Watch first, then dive in. I don’t know where this hesitation comes from and I’m learning to allow it rather than fight it. Allow the pause before the action. I am allowed to take my time. I am allowed to feel my way into each experience. Diving into the deep end is a rush and rush is not always better. Rush is a rush. My pace is curiously slow, building trust with my nervous system. How foreign it feels to actually allow this space inside myself. I realize now how much I have trampled over my own body in this life. How will life unfold now, moving forward with so much more understanding for my parts who need me to listen and care. I believe I will have fun and I will be led from a deeper place so the healing powers of this fun play will reach into me further, touching me more profoundly.
After swinging I wrote to the parts of myself who had been nervous to swing earlier in the day….
Okay my dear, now you’ve done the swing and you did I perfectly. Because you followed yourself, you got to swing at sunset in peace, away from crowds. Your pictures were taken by a professional photographer. Your entire day was enjoyed fully at the rice terraces, thoroughly exploring, creating and being present. You painted, studied the terraces and bonded with a local, walked off the beaten path and discovered so much more around the corner. You felt discomfort when you were around tourists, Instagram energy, humans obsessed with appearance. You’re making a conscious effort to be present and authentic beyond appearances. You choose nature adventure in the world outside, conscious of your resistance. You also have beautiful wisdom and intuition.
And I let my parts respond…
I feel good, glad I did the swing and proud of myself. I feel more confident in myself, trusting my own timing. This is proof to myself that I do cool things and I move at my own pace. There is no rush to have a rush. When the moment is good for me, I act. I’m excited to feel peace in myself. Expansion feels good. Had I gone swinging in the beginning of the day it would have been an action out of pressure, forced. Something didn’t feel right so I waited and because I waited, I got to swing in ideal conditions. I swung out over the jungle in peace as the sunset touched the tops of the trees and the only humans around were the ones pushing me. They took my picture and I was happy to pose, playful in the celebration of this epic and silly experience. If you want me to pose (and the time is right for me), then I’ll pose up a storm. ha!
Love & Rainbows, Cha Wilde
