Dear Friend, Do I Have the Guts to Change My Own Story?
9.9.23
Amed, Bali
Dear Reader,
I am trying to give myself permission to change. To take what I have written and twist into a new shape, a story I didn’t actually live that feels more fun than the reality. My reality was fun for me so this challenge scares me. To tell the story in a way that changes everything into something completely new. I feel so attached to my story and the way it came through for me originally. I remember though that we have creative memories. I don’t remember what actually happened accurately anyway. I’ve written down what I’ve recited to myself secretly for years. Why not change it now for the dramatic effect, for the play of imagination.
Do I have the guts to change my own story? Do I have the courage to let go of my own memories? I feel the rush of excitement thinking of this. My stomach is tight and my heart beats louder. I gulp in the throat and my mind buzzes with possibilities. I reminds me of sex. I know how to surrender into a puddle of pleasure. Where do I reach inside myself to find the commanding power to take the reins and steer the situation with my own will? I am the captain. I am the one who decides and determines what happens next. I have ultimate power. I am god before the blank page. I am the sculptor with a chisel in my hand, staring into a piece of marble that is 900 pages thick. What do I need to let go of so this can become what it needs to be? I am scared to act and I must act.
Ask me, what is my book about?
What will be my answer today? If I let you read through my draft you would drown in chaos.
A woman who is seduced by a man who helps her break free from her inhibitions.
The man betrays her and she is heartbroken.
She runs away to the ocean, longing to be healed by a mystical adventure.
The woman drowns in the ocean and is rescued by a ship full of magical women who teach her how to love again.
I also have the ship loaded with anti-man boobytraps. I have wild beasts flying out of a pit in the desert. Stars hold onto people’s wishes and the final wish that weighs them down too much is the cause for falling stars which land in the ocean and become mermaids. This is all legend and lore, original stories tangled with imagined futures, and embellished memories that feel like raw truths.
I sit in the cafe today for hours and hours. I’m editing and cleaning up the writing. Great progress today. I’m feeling more willing to just keep going. Friends file in and sit around me at the big table. I’m finally blending into the community in Amed. Headphones come off and the book sits patiently on the table while we dive into deep conversations. We’re all freediving, yogis, interested in living a peaceful intentional life. We share honestly and laugh loudly. When the coffee is gone, everyone grabs their fins and waves goodbye. I’ll see them later this afternoon at the gym and then again tonight for the cheesecake tasting. This small town life feels like the best kind of summer camp; friends and food and fun activities all day long, everyday, forever…until the volcano explodes or Amed turns into a big city or we all move away or die. Such is life. Right now I’m in a season of wonderful.
Love & Rainbows,
Cha Wilde