I feel sick with fear. I'm trying to edit videos to make money and pay off debt with credit cards and pay back my husband - he gave me money (and went into CC debt on my behalf) to help my buy a new computer so I could edit videos faster. I'm uncomfortably grateful and semi-regretting borrowing money from him right now because it's putting a strain on our relationship and I don't feel like an equal and I feel like a burden on him and yet....if I could help him, I would do the same thing he's done for me. I would want to help him. It's my victim mentality that is stopping me from feeling joyful gratitude and enthusiasm to pay him back two fold! I've been waking up in worry, struggling to focus, a pain in my chest, a tightness in my stomach, a flickery panic in my brain and even a sickness around my uterus area and hips and legs and basically the entire fucking body is being consumed by stress hormones. And what's worse is that Davey feels it too. He can sense the stress in my body and it's affecting his own happiness. I look at photos taken just 2 or 3 months ago and we were having fun and smiling and getting married and full of love, so thrilled to be close to each other. Now, I feel the tension. I miss our closeness and our play. I feel a need for space, to withdraw from him so I can't hurt him or weigh him down. A need to fix my problems, make the money and pay him back as quickly as possible so we can return to happiness and easy. I question what the fuck I'm doing going after a dream and angry at myself for not going after it harder. Am I pushing as hard as I can? Is that the problem in the first place? Stop fucking pushing and just go with the flow. Am I forcing myself to do something I don't actually want to do, just because I'm curious. Is my obsession with building a music career destroying my happiness and my relationship with the coolest guy I've ever met? What the fuck!! Dreaming was so fun and felt so exciting and delicious. Now I'm in the thick of it - I've all but quit my job, my bank accounts are red in the negative (literally...there is NO money), I'm burned out at work, terrified in so many ways to try new things, desperate to try new things, insecure and needing comfort and support and help and all the while trying so hard to puff up my chest and stand tall and smile. What the fuck. Every day I'm growing more in love with music and more disillusioned with my dream of music. The dream is imaginary. I'll never experience it. It's me watching myself on stage, from the crowd's perspective. The only thing I'll ever experience is inside my own body, standing on that stage. Is that something I want? Or do I just want to dance and party in the masses? What the fuck!!! Thank god I'm starting life coaching next week. I need some serious hand holding right now or a hard slap across the face. I want someone to tell me what to do but of course, the only person I'll listen to is myself and I'm sending mixed signals half the time. Fuck fuck fuck. What the fuck? Does anybody out there understand? Anybody been through this? Any advice? Jesus, shoot me in the face so I can be reborn! lol ... and yet, even as I write this, I start to feel silly and playful...because I'm still in here. It's the financial stress. I swear that's the only thing. Fix the money and happiness will flow back because I won't be constantly fighting in survival mode anymore. Instead of stress hormones, I'll feel the happy hormones again. Oh please....happen soon. Oh and then there's the massive fear that as I go through all of this shit I'm becoming so hard, insecure, weak, needy, distant or whatever that Davey doesn't want to even be with me anymore. When I first came out of the closet and told him I wanted to be a professional musician, I drove my point home by callously saying "I will leave you for music...if I have to." What the fuck?! Who says that? Now I'm afraid it's some fucked up self fulfilling prophecy or that was a hurtful blow that set a bad tone on our relationship - me, him and music and all three of us. Grrr.... I just want everything to be better and I'm sick of slogging through the shit swamps. // Cha

blog