At first, I pushed myself. I challenged myself to write songs, to perform despite my fear and the resistance of getting started. I pushed myself to step into new places and to behave like a different person, a different version of myself, a bigger version of myself, a version of myself who can sit on the mainstage at the Gorge before thousands of people and sing freely, commanding attention and moving energy. I transformed myself through the images I saw in my imagination that I decided to view again and again, and figure out how to live into. I pushed myself to step onto the stage.
Then I took a break. I paused to turn inward, to go into a cave and do the work. I had create a vision of who I wanted to become and realized that I already am that person. The only difference between where I am now and where I am in my imagination (or the future) is the work that I must do. So for hours a day, four hours a day, I do the work. I sit alone but I’m not alone. I have music instruments and feelings, ideas sparking in the front of my head and rhythms in my body that know will ripple through a crowd one day soon. I work with focus and patience until the day when I will step onto a stage again. I will wait until I am called on stage. I will wait until my presence is requested by the audience and then I will deliver.
Then they pushed. Messages started coming in. People nodded at me at parties. I heard the word “should” too much. You should put out an album. You should be a professional singer. You should totally perform at this venue. You should totally cover this song. You should.” Frantically, I worked to keep up, telling everyone, I’m going as fast as I can. It’s be out soon. I’m planning on it. That’s a good idea, I’m already doing it. I’ll try it. And then one night in the kitchen, someone said should and I said, “Do not rush me!”
Now, I set the speed. It’s 6am and I’m in my studio about to start producing. I have production deadlines on my calendar, and they’re flexible. I’m not afraid of performing anymore and I’m not push-roundable anymore. I will perform when I want to. I push myself to face new challenges that scare me but now because I must prove something but rather because I desire growth. I step outside my comfort zone, not to escape but to explore. I create not for some special reason but for some simple reason.
No music industry big boys will scare me into signing myself away. No algorithm will convince me I’m not good enough. No blue lights will steal my sleep and no doubts will steal my dreams. This is the path I have chosen and I choose to enjoy my journey. I travel at my own speed; I stop to smell the roses and I sprint to see the sunrise.
❤ CHA