I forgot how to live. Stress, tension, anxiety, depression swirling my body and all I want is to relax and enjoy the present moment. I laid on my yoga mat and stared up at the tree, asking myself, “How do you live?” How has this become such a foreign concept? I used to lay down and stare at the sky all the time and I remember it made me feel blissful, not I just feel antsy like I should be doing something else or rushing on to something else. My relaxation time is another item on my to DO list. Because I was rushing through this moment, I hardly realized that my body was actually at a weird angle, my neck crocked, my hand habitually reaching out to touch my partner laying beside me and get their attention, wondering what he was thinking about so we could talk or something. It sucked. It’s painful to be so close to the present moment, taking time away from important tasks to just relax and be totally incapable of actually relaxing. It makes the whole thing feel like a bloody waste of time. Disconnection. Should I be spending my time doing this yoga? Should I go back to work? What should I be doing? How do I live? I seem to have forgotten.
A breeze brought some inspiration: ”There is no need to strive for connection with the human beside you, through talking, touching or even thinking. Be still in the present moment, side by side, in this place in time. This is fully enough. This is the most connected you can possibly be with each other; letting go into the silence and stillness. Instead of pushing the moment around, let the moment hold you. BE together. This is HOW you live.”
I realized I have been answering this question all wrong. At first, I put the emphasize on the word “LIVE” and into my mind fly images of speeding on the motorcycle, jumping off bridges and slowly sipping tea on a rainy morning as I write with perfect cursive in my journal, savoring the romance of it all. I’m afraid I’m settling, that my life is getting boring, safe and comfortable. Is this death in a living body? Boredom and frustration? Do I need to spice things up and shake myself back to life? What does it mean to LIVE? With so much emphasis on pleasure and thrill, the highs are so high and the lows are so fuck low and dull. Pump me full of drugs, race me to a festival, and save me from this mundane weekday. I am not enough in this quiet moment. My life is not enough. I am dissatisfied and reaching out, clawing for more.
Focusing on the WHAT, led me straight into a pit of destructive thoughts and uncomfortable feelings. What am I DOING that makes me feel alive? Why am I not DOING that thing right now? Are you defining your life by what you’re doing? Focusing on WHAT we’re doing leads us dangerously close to the land of SHOULD. It’s easy to fall into this trap, thinking in order to be alive and fully living, “I SHOULD be exploring sex, drugs and rock and roll", “I SHOULD be meditating and drinking green juice after yoga in the butterfly filled garden,” and “I SHOULD be learning French and flirting with a librarian or a book.”
But let’s zoom in a different direction now. The WHAT is not where the living is found. I did not ask you a WHAT question. I asked you a HOW question. WHAT you are doing doesn’t matter as much as HOW you are doing it.
How did you eat your breakfast? Straight out of the box or carefully presented in a beautiful bowl? If you served someone else breakfast, would you prepare a tray for them with a flower, dump something quickly on a plate or just chuck the box at them and say ‘catch!’? HOW you do something, demonstrates your attention, intention, and love. HOW do you DO for others and HOW do you DO for yourself. [1]
“Don’t just do something, sit there.”
”Less doing. More being.”
Every moment is special. Why? You decide.
”That’s the man who knows all the secrets of the world,” she said. “He communicates with the genies of the desert.” [2]
[1] Russell Brand Podcast #42
[2] The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho, Harper Collins Publishers, Inc, 1993, Page 96