"Am I annoying you?". Since junior high, my friends have always so 'NO' but I never believed them. My entire life, I've always sprung out of bed like the 'Don't Wake Daddy' doll, danced around the kitchen at dawn, blasted music out the windows to wake up the neighbors and been ready to run a marathon of hyper dancing, non-stop singing and hard-core-work-focus all day long. At night, I'm still buzzing into the darkness, playing music long after everyone put down their instruments, creating things after everyone else flicked on the TV, and wanting to stay up all night and talk after everyone else has dropped their eyelids. I just moved into a new house with 3 roommates (my boyfriend, boyfriend's brother & boyfriend's brother's girlfriend). I work from home so most of the day I'm home alone; singing at the top of my lungs, writing music. But when the clock strikes 5 and they all come home, my voice gets stomped down into a little whisper. I'm shy. I'm afraid they'll hear me. I'm paranoid that my music will be disruptive. That I'll bother them. I live in constant fear that I'm too bright for people. That my energy will push friends away; that they wish I'd just act normal and be calm and quiet like them. People tell me my bright energy is what they love most about me but it's hard to believe those words when they're glaring at me over their morning coffee cup. No wonder I sing like a squeaky mouse, afraid to wake the hungry cats. How do I overcome this fear? Do I just say, "Screw it!" and throw my arms around my guitar and play until they bang on the wall and tell me to SHUT UP! (That happened once in college.) I like that idea. I'd like to stop worrying and just get so wrapped up in my own world that I either don't give a shit about what other people think or I get so incredible that the noise I'm making is "music to their ears"...literally. My best trick for overcoming this fear is imagining a future scenario where I'm a famous musician being interviewed for a magazine (let's say...Rolling Stone, why not) and the reporter asks my friends, "What's your best memory of Chamonix before she was famous?" and they'll say, "I remember when we were in our twenties and we lived in this house in Bellevue and I woke up every morning to the sound of her singing in the kitchen and sometimes it drove me crazy because I was tired but I always thought it was beautiful. She played constantly. When we were watching movies, she was playing piano. When we were cooking dinner, she was playing guitar. When we were camping, she would be sitting out on some rock writing lyrics in her notebook. When we went grocery shopping she would be singing to everyone in the checkout line. After concerts, she would sing hit song to strangers in the parking lot to make them smile. She wanted to keep the party going. She always made sure our lives were full of music. When I moved out, I noticed how quiet my life was. I missed her music. I didn't realize just how much it brightened up every day of my life while we were living together. That's definitely her gift to the world. She lights up the world with music." What do you want people to remember about you? What gift do you have to give that will brighten this period of their lives? If you hold back, what are you robbing them of? For their sake, don't hold back. The world is waiting for you, longing for what you have to offer, hoping that you'll find the courage to share. // Chamonix
The Impossible Challenge to Create a Savasana Music Album in 2 Weeks
So I sing to my students at the end of every yoga class and for the past few months they've been asking me again and again...when are you going to record an album? I told someone I would have it ready for them by June...of this year...like in less than 1 month. Like in 2 weeks. What the fuck was I thinking? Crazy challenge to produce an album in 2 weeks. Possible but kinda cray-cray.
I'm always one for a challenge though so bring it! It's on!
This album is going to be specifically for Savasana - the resting pose at the end of a yoga class. It will be an album of songs in Sanskrit and English that are beautiful and peaceful and oh so zen.
That's the vision anyway. If it's good, we can sell it in the yoga studios.
Here's the game plan... I'm going to create the list of songs I want to have on the album, then I'll practice and record casually, then I'll get my brother (with his awesome recording equipment) to make something more professional for me. Boom. Done. No big deal, right? ha! Making music is easy kids..try it at home ;P
And......GO!!!!
:) Chamonix
Running in the woods. We got this.
How Do You Do You (Original Song)
About a month ago I was hiding in a bathroom stall, trying to build up the courage to sing karaoke. Through the wall I could hear that girl (that small girl with the huge voice and hella confidence, rockin it, winning everyone's attention and making me feeling completely insignificant and insecure) singing on stage. How could I go perform after her. I want to die and go home. In the end it all turned out awesome.... Read about my karaoke story here.
The next day, during my lunch break I went to my own bathroom (haha) and started writing a song inspired by those feelings of jealousy and inadequacy that I'd felt in the bar the night before. This song is called "How Do You Do You". Enjoy!
Long Time Sun - Song in Savasana at the End of Yoga
Most of the time when I sing at the end of my yoga classes, I'm singing in Sanskrit. This song (Long Time Sun) is one of the few songs that I sing in English. It's a very different experience to sing to my yoga students in English because I know they understand what I'm saying and I know that it will engage their minds in a different way.
When I'm singing in Sanskrit I know they don't understand and so the words are almost more like pretty sounds instead of anything with meaning. They can appreciate the sound of the music without attaching any meaning or stories to it. This is my main reason for singing most songs in Sanskrit.
However, many of my students have been asking me to record Savasana songs for them and sell them at the yoga studios on CDs. Super fun project idea. I promised them I would do it so I guess that means I better get busy writing new stuff. I'm going to start writing some songs for Savasana in English and then maybe play around with some Sanskrit (although I believe it might be kind of dangerous to write something in a language I don't speak haha).
Anyway, Long Time Sun is a song commonly sung at the end of Kundalina yoga classes.
Long Time Sun Lyrics:
May the long time sun shine upon you
All love surround you
And the pure light within you
Guide your way on.
Check out my last blog post: AFRAID TO TELL PARENTS WHAT YOU WANT TO DO WITH YOUR LIFE
Would You Rather Be Perfect or Successful?
"What if you slow down?" My stomach sank a little. I felt all icky like I wasn't good enough because I wasn't perfect. I didn't get it 100% right the first time. Who does? But still, I have this weird expectation that I have to always to know what I'm talking about, to defend myself without stumbling on my words, to have my shit together and always hit the right note. Is that what it means to be a perfectionist? I HATE when I feel someone is reading my writing over my shoulder. Actually, the minute someone walks towards me I usually slam my computer or notebook shut. I've overcome my fear of playing music in front of friends but now I'm working on another challenge...writing music in front of friends. It's scary because what if I hit a wrong note, come up with an ugly melody, go too fast or too slow, to high or too low? Eek it's not perfect yet, please don't listen. When I started writing "How Do You Do You", I was singing the lyrics super fast because I love the feeling of rap-like lyrics rolling off my tongue. But when I practiced my new song in front of Davey, James and this other random guys who was hanging out with us one night, they all say, "What if you sang slower?" I felt that nasty feeling of "crap I didn't nail it on attempt #1 but then I tried it and BOOM, the whole song changed immediately and we all loved it. My feeling of suckiness faded away instantly, I hit the record button my phone. Here's the live recording of this moment as I heard their feedback, applied it immediately and we watched the song developed before us. Remember, "Perfect is the enemy of good." What is your goal? Would you rather work alone and appear perfect to your friends but create mediocre work? Or would you rather create incredible work and enjoy the beauty of teamwork, even if it means you have to be vulnerable in front of your friends? Nobody gets to the top alone. Even the biggest super stars have incredible musicians standing beside them on stage, managers & assistants backstage, teachers back home and families in the front row. If you're like me, you want to work alone because you want all the control and all the credit, but you have to swallow some humble pie and realize that alone, you are almost worthless. Reach out to all the talent around you and be the magnet that pulls everything and everyone together. Be like the sun, a powerful gravitational force that attracts all the planets to form a solar system. "Alone we can do so little, together we can do so much." (Helen Keller) // Chamonix
Give Yourself Permission to Go After Your Impossible Dreams
What is the scariest sentence in the world? My answer: "I just want to play music." I uttered these words out-loud for the first time and my mom immediately started brainstorming. She was trying to figure out how to combine all my talents & interests into one job. "Perhaps you could photograph people while they listen to music? Or maybe you should photograph musicians?" No, no no! Thanks for the suggestions but no. "How about sports photography?" - said Dad. I gave him that look that was like....you're kidding me, right? Did he even hear what I said? My parents don't see me as a musician because I've never shared that part of my life with them. To them, I'll a yoga teacher and photographer. As they kept talking about all the different things I could do with my life, I felt a sinking feeling in my tummy. I wanted to stand up and scream, "No, I just want to be a professional musician. That's it. None of these other things. Just music!" But did I stand up? Nope. I sat there silently, listening to my sweet helpful parents, frustrated that they didn't understand me. I wanted to hear them say: 'We think you should go be a musician." (Go for it, kid.) I was 27 years old and I was still waiting for their permission to go for my dreams. I started doubting myself. Maybe I'm wrong and I'm not cut out to be a musician. Maybe my parents will slap me with a reality-check and remind me of the unlikely odds of success in that industry. Worst of all, what if they encouraged me to go after my dreams but secretly they thought it was impossible but they didn't want to hurt my feelings? That would make me feel so foolish. I've been terrified to hear the words, "You're good but not good enough." When I left my parents house that night, I was frustrated that I hadn't mustered the courage to boldly and decisively declare my dream.. At least I had one take-away from the evening: I definitely want to be a musician; it's never been so passionately clear before. I've just been afraid to admit it to myself and I've been waiting for other people to give me permission instead of giving it to myself. That night I started writing Impossible Things; a song about how scary it is to tell people about your dreams. // Chamonix
Trying to Keep a Guitar Beat with My Boyfriend
I just can't do it!
I don't know what's wrong with me.
Why am I even trying?
My boyfriend was teaching me guitar. He asked me to keep a rhythm as I was strumming. I sucked balls. He suggested that I clap to keep a rhythm while he played. He recommended that I tapped my foot while I played. Nothing working. I'm severely rhythmically challenged.
I started getting discouraged. How could I ever become a professional singer if I can't even hold a steady beat. Music is 100% rhythm so I'm screwed. I was really beating myself up about this. I was embarrassed and disappointed and all together discouraged.
Then suddenly it dawned on me. Why is becoming a professional musician any different than becoming a doctor or a lawyer? You may have natural abilities and potential but you still have to go through training and extensive practice before you're allowed to be a professional. You have to suck for awhile....a lot...until you finally learn and master your skills.
I guess I always just assumed (silly) that musicians always knew how to make music. Maybe it's because most musicians seem to start playing when they're little munchkins in elementary school. Apparently, it's ok if kids suck because they're just learning. But us adults, no no. We're supposed to have our shit all together. No sucking through the learning stages for us. If you didn't learn it as a kid, just give up.
Four Little Words to Help you Achieve Your Dreams
What words are you longing to hear someone say to you? What external validation, encouragement or permission are you waiting for? I want to be a professional musician and I know I'm capable and have potential. I know it's tough work and I know I'm up for it. But I've hesitated. Instead of buckling down with focus, I've talked myself in circles with doubts, stresses, reality-checks and pipe-dreams. For the past year, I have shared my dilemmas & dreams with people, secretly hoping they'll say something that convinces me I'm on the right track but usually, all I hear is, "That's cool, but you know it's a tough industry, right?" When I watched this video of Larry Smith's TED talk "Why You Will Fail to Have a Great Career" I realized the missing piece of my puzzle. I don't need people to play devil's advocate or make sure I've 'thought things through'. I'm a totally responsible adult whose mind is already flooded by analysis and doubt. I don't need more reasons to hold back thrown at me. All I'm waiting for is someone to fire the gun so I can start the race. I just want official permission, someone saying "Go for it, kid!" Someone who see right through all the reasons why I shouldn't and reminds me of all the reasons I should. Unfortunately, you can't rely on other people to encourage you towards your dreams. You have to be your own biggest fan, blind to the doubts and fueled by the possibilities. Imagine yourself as your own parent (or wise old grandparent), speaking to the vulnerable child-like part of you that still dares to dream. Whenever you hear those scary doubts talking, step in front to block them like a mother bear protecting her cub, and say "You are not welcome here. Go, now." Then turn to your child self and with a big smile whisper, "Go for it, kid." // Chamonix
Overcome Your Fears With Positive Thinkings
I locked myself in a bathroom stall. I don't know if I can do this. Every bone in my body feels like it's dying. I have to do this or I'll regret it forever. I'm at a karaoke bar. I've never done karaoke before (always too afraid). But I'm determined to overcome my fears, so I'm going to sit on this toilet, hyperventilating, until I find some courage. To make matters worse, up on stage before me, there's a super confident cute blonde girl with a kick-ass voice workin' the crowd. Everyone, including my boyfriend, is captivated by her. I'm jealous of her voice and her stage charisma. What's wrong with me? Why don't I have that same confidence? I'm tired of playing it safe, protecting myself from embarrassment and missing out on life.
Enough! // I got my ass off the toilet and went out to sing "Mean" by Taylor Swift and "That Don't Impress Me Much" by Shania Twain. How did I do it? I took really deep breaths. I kept telling myself that it's not about being good, it's about having fun. I won't regret hitting a wrong note but I will regret holding back and not giving it my all. I thought back to all the regrets I have (not singing in school play, not auditioning for aCapella groups in college etc...) and how much I extra-double-dog-hate having regrets. I don't want to add another one to the list. My desire to not have regrets is now more powerful than my fear. I told myself I would be proud of myself afterwards. Pride is a reward and regret is a punishment. I motivated myself by focusing on the positive reward. This is one of the most powerful tricks - focus on what you want rather than what you don't want. Instead of thinking "I don't want to make a mistake," think "I want to have fun". Instead of thinking, "I don't want to each chocolate," think "I'm excited to eat healthy." When it comes to conquering your fears, only allow these positive perspectives into your mind. Your mentality is the where the fear problem is originating, so that's the best place for you to start making changes! // The next morning, I wrote a song about my experience at the karaoke bar. Listen to "How Do You Do You". // Chamonix
Singing Sanskrit Chants in Savasana - Gayatri Mantra
**FIND A CHANT AND MAKE IT YOUR OWN. CENTER YOURSELF WITH POWER?
Once upon a time I lived at a yoga retreat in the mountains of central Portugal. My yoga teacher (Peter) was a Liverpudlian man with blonde dreadlocks and he had the most awesome deep soothing yoga-teacher voice in history.
One day we were sitting up in the yoga studio (the wooden loft of the old farm house) and he taught me the Gayatri Mantra. He started chanting and I listened; bit by bit I started to pick it up and sing along. Once I had it memorized it was in my bones. I sang it while I watered the vegetables, picked cherries, and stirred whatever delicious Indian dish I was preparing for dinner {my fav cookbook from our kitchen in Portugal}.
Nowadays, I sing to my own yoga students when they're in savasana (laying down at the end of class). I've got a bunch of different chants I sing but the Gayatri Mantra is still my favorite; partly for the memories and largely because it's so gorgeous.
This week I took a couple sneaky videos of myself singing during savasana so I could share it here. Enjoy!! xoxo Chamonix
THE GAYATRI MANTRA
ॐ भूर्भुवः॒ स्वः ।
तत्स॑वि॒तुर्वरेण्यं॒
भर्गो॑ दे॒वस्य॑ धीमहि ।
धियो॒ यो नः॑ प्रचो॒दया॑त् ॥
om bhūr bhuvaḥ svaḥ
tát savitúr váreṇ(i)yaṃ
bhárgo devása dhīmahi
dhíyo yó naḥ prachodayat
Let us meditate on that excellent glory of the divine vivifying Sun,
May he enlighten our understandings.
— Translated by Monier Monier-Williams
The Yoga Retreat in Portugal Where I Spent the Summer of 2010
Yoga Evolution Health, Healing & Wellbeing Retreat Center Portugal
Peter & Sue are the wonderful people and this retreat is seriously special. I daydream about this place almost everyday and I'm saving up pennies for my next visit. I became close friends with Peter & Sue and I miss them so much. If you're ever searching for a yoga retreat or an amazing vacation idea in Europe, this is THE PLACE to go.
Music Fills the Cracks Created by Video Games
He's screaming at zombies. All I want to do is make-out with him for hours. I've tried distracting myself with business books but I can't get past page 1. I spent two hours sitting in the hallway drawing a mandala on my arm with a black sharpie. I could get some work done but I'm sick of emails. I'm lying here staring at the ceiling wishing my boyfriend was hanging out with me - I missed him all day. When he got home he smothered me in kisses. He's wonderful and I miss him when he's playing video games with his brother (even though it's only for a few hours). I'm not clingy, I'm just love his company. After trying all my distraction techniques, trying to convince myself that I'm not feeling bored and lonely, I finally picked up the guitar. Without fail, whenever I start to play I feel peaceful. My problems don't disappear, they just take a step back. When I'm playing guitar, a protective shield glows around me. Instead of eating me alive, my worries turn into songs. Just as Rumpelstiltskin spins straw into gold, my guitar spins troubles into beauty. I'm comforted knowing that if I can write a song about how I feel, maybe someone else out there will hear the song and know they are not alone. My problems become the means by which I can help other people. I've made a commitment to myself that whenever I realize I'm wallowing, wandering aimlessly, or sliding down a slippery crevasse towards depressions, I will play guitar. Magically, the music fills the crevasse and lifts me up out of it. Music fills all the cracks that used to swallow me alive. Through music I can save myself. // Chamonix
Heaven Forbid - Original Song (RAW Recording & Video)
So yesterday I laid under a willow tree and wrote a song about how I always feel like I need other people's approval or permission to go ahead and do what I want to do. These days I'm letting go of that silly old reflex and practice giving myself authority over my own life. Surely, my own opinion matters more (when it comes to MY life) than someone else's opinion.
So here you have it... "Heaven Forbid" - a nice RAW recording straight from the toilet seat of my acoustically wonderful bathroom. hehe Enjoy! xoxo Chamonix
