Two mini pieces of toast for breakfast and I was out of there. I was eager to move out of the jungle house. Bags heavier than before with new paintings, new clothes and new food, I waddled out of the rice paddy and sweat rolled down my forehead as I descended the narrow stone staircase to the street. A car drove me across town to The Yoga Barn.
I spent the afternoon in a Fly High aerial yoga class; dangling upside down on a rope swing basically, laughing, crying and stretching my way back into the present moment. The teacher encouraged us to have fun. “If you’re not having fun, maybe you need to change something,” she said, pointing to her mind. I did have fun and it also hurt to move through the emotions that were rising through me on this nineteenth day in the Balinese jungle.
A young part of me feels loneliness and she feels fear. She is trying to prove herself. I give her the pen:
“When I stop working I feel my loneliness. My work is social and keeps me unaware of my emptiness. My desire for love, family and partnership. Simple happiness.
On my own I’m just lonely, sweaty, wondering what is happening with my life. Wondering why I feel this way and what will make the discomfort go away. The beautiful day spirals down into drama as I remember the pain I run away from.”
And another part writes,
“You sir, cannot take away my loneliness. Your hug will not make me happy. It pains you to see me in sadness and that pain in you is not about me. You sir, cannot make me feel better with your love. You want to try and try and never will your love be enough for me. Never will you be able to give me what I need. What I need is love from within me. What I need is acceptance of my pain from me. I need to embrace the loneliness and love it like I love myself, like I love you and everyone else. I need to love the loneliness in me until it is fully given home and belonging and then, maybe then, I will be at peace and that is when I will be full and enough. I am enough when I am fully me. I am only a gift when I am fully accepting myself. When I am truly myself, truly who I am, then I am a true gift. You see, you cannot give that to me. Thank you for offering to hug me when I am lonely and thank you for stepping back to see what is really needed here. Thank you for simply seeing me and bowing in respect for my humanness. Thank you for seeing my pain and seeing your pain and feeling our togetherness in this life journey. That is all I need. Space to be myself and remember who I truly am. Who I truly am is at peace. Everything else I move through is just the journey home to myself. See? No need to worry. Just blow me a kiss as I move through this and I’ll catch it on the wind and smile as I go.”
And another speaks,
“How am I a strong woman when I’m lonely and tears roll down my face. How am I strong woman when I sacrifice myself and feel disgrace? When I let him win and lose myself.”
As these intense sentences flow through my mind, I feel myself reaching for a guitar or piano. I want to sing these feelings into lovely lyrics. These emotions feel stagnant and they’ve been hiding deep within for a long time. I feel them surface on my days off, when I am not distracted by work, constant creation and thrill. When I just sit alone and stare at the leaves and the raindrops, these are the heavy feelings that float to the surface, squeeze in my gut, tug at my heart.
Ayla and I shake our heads and laugh, covering our faces with our hands. Why do we feel like this? My new Turkish friend from Berlin with curly hair is a sweet delight. We are both in Bali to heal from relationships and we are both content creators online. We both live a lifestyle now of pretty photos and traveling wherever we fancy. We are both carrying journals and signing up for yoga classes. We both want to pick up the phone and call somebody and we are both resisting making that call. It is wiser to leave it be although aching loneliness won’t leave us alone when we do.
While I was trapped in the jungle house with bugs, Ayla accidentally spent four days at a romantic honeymoon hotel. Everywhere she looked she saw couples. Intense for her. We reunited at The Yoga Barn, ready to continue the healing. I’ve got her drinking raw cacao with me.
I write and I cry. I hang upside down on yoga hammocks and laugh with other upside down humans. I stretch until my muscles release the emotions stuck deep in the layers of tissue and all the blood rushes to my head. At four o’clock, I’m healing. At five thirty I’m healing. What am I doing at seven pm? Healing. I’m healing alongside all these other humans in the jungle. We have all come here to this magical spot to heal.
What are you healing, everyone asks me. What am I healing? Years of human relationships have done a number on me. I’ve been navigating relationships from the moment I was born and there is a lot of unpacking, untangling and releasing to do. From day one to year thirty three. All is well. This is all good…a juicy part of the journey.
Love and Rainbows,
Cha Wilde