My insides feel like they've been shredded by a blender. I'm walking around my neighborhood, deep breaths, happy music trying to cheer me up, but I'm just sifting through a shit huge pile of emotions. The negative self-talk is taking over and I feel fragile and raw. The worst and best part is that all my problems are inside my head. I'm not suffering from physical illness, a death in the family, a natural disaster destroying my home...none of it. I'm just a crazy over-achieving beating herself up for not accomplishing enough AND being perfectly carefree and happy, showering daily and cleaning up my dishes. Something's gotta give. Right now it's my nervous system. I've crashed and burned out 3 times in my life. I don't want to see #4. So I'm catching myself now. These are the signs that something is very wrong:
- Not setting aside time for hygiene and housework,.
- Feeling impatient & snappy at work when other people are talking and "wasting time"
- Feeling irritated when my boyfriend gives me affection because he's interrupting my work
- Being so self-absorbed with my own projects that I'm not interested or even irritated when my boyfriend wants to talk about his issues because it's a distraction from what I'm doing
- Not jumping out of bed in the morning with enthusiasm
- Feeling a heavy heart in my chest instead of a spring in my step
- Worrying about future things like children, houses, death, aging, having children and get fat and my boyfriend won't find me attractive anymore and I won't feel happy and young and free (what a can of worms....)
- My boyfriend told me he's been feeling resentment for having to clean up my dishes this week and he feels like he has to walk on eggshells around me or else I might breakdown
- I'm not smiling and joking around (because that's my happy default normally)
- I'm staying at home every night to be with my boyfriend instead of going out with friends and participating in cool activities & adventures
- Negative self-talk is loud in my head.
- Feeling on the brink of tear, I could burst at any moment
- Dreading my work because there's so much to do I don't even know where to start
- Avoiding my phone because I don't want to engage with anyone
All my beautiful dreams and goals cannot come at the cost of my health, happiness & relationships. Once again, I've slipped into messiness and it's affecting other people. I'm SO NOT okay with this. I need to refocus on my intentions of this year: MINIMALISM, FOCUS, LOVE PEOPLE. My only goal is to pay off my debt. My mantra is JOY IS POWER. I can do anything I want as long as I'm happy. I'm not feeling happy today and therefore, I need to reconsider what I'm doing. All of this is so icky to feel and talk about but it's the truth...so there you have it. Just another day on my journey... // Cha
