DAY 8: Cursed to Be Alone

LYRICS
Maybe I’m cursed to be alone
All by myself
Baby it’s hurts to come home
As somebody else


CREATIVE TEAM
Cha Wilde: lyrics, vocals, recording, production


JOURNAL
God, this is a depressing song for me. A part of me doesn’t want to share this song with the world because it feels lame, dark, underproduced, maybe even messy or cluttered. I could judge it all day.

Another part of me is proud that I created this song in the first place because it was a dark fucking day. I DID NOT want to make music, it was painful to rip sound out of my body and I wanted to give up and quit. This project felt overwhelming and stupid. I was in the WORST mood, the kind of dark depressing mood where I wondered why it was worth even staying alive. A part of me felt suicidal and didn’t feel like it was worth spending any time or energy creating. Who cares?

I smoked a joint with Davey in the snowy woods. My face was so droopy and sullen. It must have been so intense to look at me, so hard on him to hold space for me in this state. He was so supportive, patient and eager to help me create. I think I felt embarrassed and childish to create in front of him when I felt so dark. He was so bubbly and I was complaining right and left. Finally, I told him to go away and alone in the basement of my parent’s house I held the microphone in one hand and mumbled how I really felt. The ugly moaning, whining tone of voice said “Maybe I’m cursed to be alone, all by myself. Baby it’s hurts to come home, as somebody else”.

On this day I was totally blended with a part of me who feels like the ugly black sheep of my family. Everyone else is dancing around being silly and playing MarioGolf and singing Christmas songs and I’m moody, emotional, reclusive and bitchy. I remembered how my first husband and I used to be buddies and run away from the family to do our own thing, be in our own world. My second husband, Davey, is so much more integrated into my family. He doesn’t run off with me as much because he’s playing with my parents…so naturally a part of me feels left out. My first husband is a philosopher who could go dark and moody like I do sometimes. Davey is a ray of positive sunshine and virtually never do I see grey clouds on his face. I feel alone is my dark side when I’m with him and it totally sucks to come home and feel like a sad person around such high energy and joy. So here you go. A song that captures this shitty feeling. It’s the best I could do.
Love, Cha