They can hear me? I'm all tense, holding back from singing louder, wishing they would all leave so I could hit record on my phone and make little music videos. I don't want them listening.
I've been living with roommates for 6 months now and I am desperate for privacy. I want time each day when I'm home alone and I can sing at the top of my lungs, record videos of myself playing guitar, record photography tutorials, or record podcast episodes where I talk about sappy emotions and recite poetry while sitting on the kitchen counter and strumming guitar. I want time when I can make noise with abandon, make mistakes loudly and try dangerous new things without worrying about people observing me. I'm an artist and I need privacy when I create!
I've been beating myself up about this for months; telling myself I shouldn't care, I shouldn't be afraid of people overhearing, I should just do what I want to do. I should become more confident; stop giving any fucks; operate under the assumption that if they find it annoying they can bang on my door and tell me to shut up. If they think my work is stupid, I should find new friends instead of surrounding myself with people who don't support more.
All these thoughts buzz around my mind as I've been constantly pushing myself beyond my comfort zone to sing louder and create music when people are around but I'm sick of it. I'm tired of constantly pushing. I can't work like this! ah! This is my new philosophy: I'm going to stop forcing myself into uncomfortable situations and start listening to myself. For whatever reason, right now in my life, I want to create in private. One day, maybe I'll be ready to create in public but that's not today. I haven't been lazy. I'm not using it as an excuse. I've genuinely tried to grow by leaving my comfort zone but I'm not seeing the progress I desire. Perhaps, just like lifting weights, I need a "rest day". I need to ease of the constant push to face my fears and let myself enjoy creating music in comfort and pleasure for a little while. When the time feels right, I can always step back up to the plate and push forward with my fears.
So, I need privacy and I'm going to give it to myself...but how? // Cha
