Learning and Living Stability
September 29, 2022 - Denpasar and Ubud, Bali
- Immigration Visa Trip to Big City, Reflection on Food, Financial Stability and Artist Values
Three furry faces surprise me. I step out the front door, key in the lock and my heart melts as the cats who own this house say good morning! I hop on the back of a scooter and drive through sunrise rush hour to the big city, passing village markets. The uniformed school children are hoping off scooters, moms chatting in a cluster of scooters on the sidewalk. I zoom by. From the jungle to the city the traffic grows. The air quality drops. My mind wanders as the morning wind wakes up my skin.
I am like my mother. I want to be outside. If I am inside, I would like to be looking outside. My time feels precious. The thoughts I think color my vision.
Writing this in the waiting room of the immigration office…. My ticket number is C077 and the screen said C006 when I sat down. So I’m reading “The Mind-Gut Connection”. Since arriving in Bali my diet has dramatically changed. I’m probably eating 10x more fruit, a daily espresso that wasn’t there before (I’d stopped drinking coffee in Seattle), and for two weeks I was eating every meal in restaurants trying Indonesian, Thai, vegan and A terrible attempt at Mexican cuisine. Note to self: the only tacos in this world worth eating are made by Davey in his kitchen on Taco Tuesdays. Outside of that, just say no. It’s always disappointing by comparison. I guess this makes me “tacomonogmous” ha!
Anyway, more sugar and foreign ingredients with bacteria new for my body. Also drinking water from bottles from who knows where. Even if the food I’m eating is healthy and familiar to my eyes and taste buds, I remind myself that it is different for my gut. My body is adjusting to new water, new food, new levels of sugar, fat, and salt. I also did not being with me my daily protein powders, vitamins and supplements. For the past couple years I’ve been drinking a very thick midday shake that is jam packed with a dozen different pills and powders to support my functioning and beauty; protein, collagen, fancy exotic antioxidants, elastin, joint support stuff, fish oils, macaroni powders, BCAA, etc… and then I went cold turkey. How would I feel to remove all of these supplements from my diet for a month? It’s been 3 weeks and after I leave the immigration office I’m asking my driver to take me straight to the supplements and vitamin store. Fill me back up with the goodies please! My body feels soft and heavy and is craving a return to my nutrition plan and daily workout routines. Restaurants and lounging, supported from the outside, is fun for a moment, to take a breather and be held. Eventually, life wants to feel supported from the inside again. At least this is how I and the trillions of microorganisms in this body feel. Did you know there are only 10% human cells (not counting Ted blood cells) in the human body? The rest of the cells are other organisms…microorganisms!
Writing in the backseat of a taxi back to Ubud…. I still feel nervous to buy paint supplies. My stomach gets a little tight at the checkout. I consider putting paint back on the shelves and question if I’m too hopeful that someone will buy a painting and make up for the money I spent on supplies. That’s what I told myself for comfort for years when my bank account was almost touching zero. I couldn’t stop creating. I was limited and it pushed me to be more selective, intentional and appreciative. I wonder if my body will forget the nervous feel one day or if it will always know the fear of not having enough, despite how much I have. When money was tighter I cut out buying new clothes, manicures, eating out, travel and gifts. I’m am grateful that I kept taking the risk and spending the little money I had on art supplies, journals and whole food. During that time of financial struggle, I was given experiences and treats from people who loved me, a pretty outfit from my husband, a trip to Europe from my dad, a trip to Mexico with my mom, a dozen music festival and concert tickets with Davey. They sprinkled gifts into my life that kept me receiving adventure and beauty when I wasn’t able to give such things to myself yet. I gave myself little things. Those little purchases; one tube of paint (my favorite color), one new journal a month (the nicest one… Moleskin) and one vitamin supplement at a time, I honored what really mattered to me. My expression, inward reflection and healthy body. I would say I kept the flame alive through the storm. I could have stopped painting, writing, or playing. I could have bought cheaper “food” to get by. I didn’t because i knew it was all habits. Every dollar spent was an investment in the direction I wanted to go. I’d rather eat healthier food and be a little hungry than eat unhealthy foos and feel full. It’s taken me longer to apply the same principle to the quality of my paint supplies. I’d like to say I would rather create a painting with one color of highest quality paint than a full rainbow made of cheap paint that will degrade quickly. My body took priority over my art. Health over expression because without health I can’t express anyway. In the past few months, I have started to using the best paints on the market. Now people are purchasing my paintings and I want them to be fully of loved and honored for a nice long time.
A trip into the city today drove me bonkers. Exhausted I’m the exhaust of the crowded honking streets. When I stepped off the plane from Seattle three weeks ago, Denpasar, Bali (the big city on this tropical island) felt quaint. I giggled that it was considered to be a city. I’ve spend spent twenty days painting the ocean and drinking coffee with my journal in the jungle and suddenly Denpasar feels enormous and chaotic. Get me out of this city! Take me back to the jungle please! The streets I’m Denpasar are lined with dingy shops pushing American brands on billboards and flip flops hang in plastic bags waiting for someone to need them.
Writing at the spa…. So why do the busy Ubud streets feel different? Perhaps because the people are selling artwork and pretty clothes. The shops are overflowing with stone sculptures of Hindu gods and Buddhas. I’ve never seen so many statues in one place in my life. Where do all these statues ship out to!? Who needs this many Buddha heads? All the yoga studios, resorts and hippies around the world, I suppose. Baskets, wooden spatulas, hand brushed picture frames, larger paintings, silver jewelry…oh the artwork is eye candy for all of us riding down the street. I don’t want to look away. I want to gaze in deeper and see the artist at work in the back of the shop. The energy of creation is more pleasant than the energy of consumerism.
I wonder how long I will need to recover from my time in the city. I grew up in the country and studied in a small seaside town. The city was always an exciting adventure. I dreamed of living in the big city and once I got there I cried within minutes as my heart sank into my body which immediately grieved my long daily walks in the woods. It took me two years to get out of the city and back into the world. Now the ocean, the jungle, the rice paddies and cliffs are feeling like home again. I shutter at the idea of the city. My parts don’t want to go back there. They want to venture out future where the fresh wind is the strongest movement pass
I took my new pedicure to The Yoga Barn, aka Hogwarts for yogis. I walked in and soul slip back into place. I filled up on green juice and chocolate maca powder smoothie. Green juice for fresh vegetable energy and maca powder to balance my hormones. I am cultivating stability these days. Stable hormones, stable sleep patterns, stable relationships, stable heart rate, stable finance. Bring on the stabilizing herbs!
I wonder sometimes if I write too much. Oh well, so I write. At the end of this exhausting day, I write and I write about my fatigue and aloneness. Sometimes my pen is a magic wand. I write what I want and it appears…literally. I’ll tell you about Louise tomorrow.
Love & Rainbows, Cha Wilde