Literally bleeding period blood all over the bathroom floor in the middle of the night...Does that ever happen to you? When you wake up in the middle of the night and realize your period is on full blast and you have to race to the bathroom IMMEDIATELY and then the bathroom ends up looking like a crime scene. So that happened last night...plus my pounding headache and stuffy nose and bloodshot eyes. It's the perfect storm over here people. My boyfriend doesn't want to touch me because I'm sick and because I have my period I'm feeling extra desperate for his attention and then I kick myself in the face for feeling so clingy. He's tired and wants to sleep and I want to stay up and talk about my feelings over and over. He's done. I'm awake and lonely. My internal voice screams at me - "Stop it! Be a strong woman. You're making a fool of yourself. Put on some red lipstick and go rule the world!" and then that pitiful little voice in my head calls back... "but I just want a hug."
PULL IT TOGETHER!
This morning the sun is shining, birds are chirping and I forced myself to blast music in my car and dance. I've been overthinking EVERYTHING instead of just letting go, choosing to think happy grateful thoughts and enjoy every minute of my one short precious life. For the first time, I've really been able to relate to the 'troubled artists' - tormented by their own minds. Constantly pulled back and forth - How do I love other people and love myself? How do I see everyone as equally wonderful while also believing I have something special to offer? How do I live in the moment and chill while also striving towards goals? I'm going insane. I just want to take drugs and escape INTO the reality of how things truly are rather than being stuck sober in the overthinking that takes me away from reality.
The only thing that helps is music. Music takes over the silence and injects me with happy feelings. The thinking stops and the feeling in the present moment starts. I guess music really is my happy place. :)
- Chamonix