I was shaking. I was pacing back and forth on my back porch. I was on a phone call to a man in Colorado who responded to my email. I found a super casual ad on craigslist looking for singers (gig-hunting was my challenge for the day). I had no idea what was behind the curtain but I sent an email to find out. Turns out he was with 'Bridging the Music' and he was looking for one last spot to fill at the Washington Solo Artists Awards. He'd watched my Youtube videos and thought I'd be a good fit.
I wanted to say:
"You did see my YouTube channel right?...Like come on, every video on there is me singing pretty while sucking at guitar in my living room. Are you seriously...taking ME SERIOUSLY? You've clearly missed the fact that I don't know what I'm doing. I'm a total beginner and have no place performing on stage, let alone in a competition. I have no fans (yet), I don't really have songs yet."
But this is what I actually said:
"Yes! Sure that sounds great. Thanks for asking. I'll sign up online tonight."
I was nervous, I wanted to say no. Because of fear.
I was having visions of myself sucking at guitar. Because of fear.
I was nervous to imagine my friends and family come to watch me. Fear.
I was nervous that I don't even have the lyrics to my own songs memorized. Double fear.
I was nervous that maybe I've just jumped way into the deep end and I don't want to go after this music career after all. Triple fear.
And then I couldn't help but laugh....this guy was saying I can "invite out all of my fans" and saying things like, "I'm not sure what other venues you're used to performing in etc..."
I slept on it. I woke up this morning, staring at the sign up form online. I watched my brain put forth EVERY single excuse to not sign up... "if you don't sign up no one will know (except Davey and Joel...hmmm), maybe he got it wrong and the performance is in Colorado and not Seattle (phew), I don't want my first performance to be in a competition so let's just do some open mics and we can do this Bridging the Band thing next year, let's build up more of an online following first, let's just 'think' about it and sign up in an hour or two when you get to work...."
Every cell in my body wanted to run away and say NEVERMIND! I don't want this. This isn't for me. This is scary. But there was this steady voice in me that whisper (almost imperceptibly), "JUST DO IT.....Just do it.....Just close your eyes and do it. You've spent your whole life avoiding scary things and you regret every missed opportunity. You asked the universe for your dreams and they are blowing into your lap. If you really want to pursue your music career, this is how it starts. Take it now or you'll regret it. You are a courageous woman. Make yourself proud. You only life once. You can do this. You definitely won't regret doing this. You'll be so proud of yourself. Take yourself seriously. Believe you're the shit. You can do this. Just do it. Close your eyes and just do it."
So I did it. I'll see you from the stage August 28th.
Now...I need to go learn some songs. LOL
-Chamonix