“I’m sitting at Nintendo feeling stressed about my life. I’m not satisfied with my body, not pushing hard enough or often enough in workouts, not pushing myself enough musically, feeling discouraged and doubtful about a career in music.
I feel like I’m starting too late and I’ve missed my chance. I’m so far behind because I never fully trained in music. I’m like a movie — the same as Eddie the Eagle — the newbie who wants to turn pro right out of the gate. That story is so rare and so discouraged by others when they see it happening. But everyone fucking loves it when they see Eddie the Eagle succeed and they all apologize.
I fear that opposition and failing. I fear ‘they’ will be right.
Like the lyrics in my song ‘Impossible Things’
what if everybody’s right and I should only dream at night
I feel foolish saying I want to be famous, to be on Sasquatch stage, and then to have My Great Love see me being mediocre at guitar and having Music Love reveal to me how much I have to learn about music theory.
I’m always fearing that I’m being humored. Music Love tells me I’m amazing to boost my confidence but he’d see that same potential in anyone which makes me feel that its less special or significant.
But maybe there is that incredible potential in everyone? Maybe all of us can do it. The deciding factor is who is going to go for it. Who is going to keep going when it gets hard? Who is going to push when everybody else decides to take a break? Who is going to listen to the voices in their own head and now be pushed around by everyone else’s voices?
All this time I’ve been worried about having enough skill / talent, if I can meet all the high standards of the industry. I haven’t allowed the possibility that all I have to do is decide. Decide to do it and make it my #1 focus above all else and push.
When all the voices say I’m foolish, I make myself blind to them.
I’ve been confused and flickering, feeling weakness in myself, shying away instead of living with full determined fire raging. I’ve been staying open-minded and flexible like a yogi and that mentality struggles to fit into my idea of a rockstar mentality. How can they fit together, without hindering each other?
What feelings do I really want? What am I really going for? What is my direction? I’ve been lukewarm on many passions and projects, spread thin. Two people this week told me they finally surrendered to what they truly want, their path that’s been calling them and instantly things started falling into place, opportunities started appearing. I desperately want that focus so I can open up the dam and have all those opportunities and miracles flow in.
I have to know what I want, declare it, own it and ask for help and opportunities from the people that can give it to me. I saw this happen with yoga teaching; miraculous leaps and loopholes. When people knew what I wanted and saw my potential and saw me working hard for it, they actively helped me succeed. People want to see others succeed. They want to be involved and be part of fueling the greatness. They feel valued and important when they are asked. They feel the power they have to powerfully impact someone’s life and see great things happen.”
— from my journal | July 15, 2016
love & beauty
CHA WILDE