Cruella

I LOVED the new Cruella movie…except I hated the music that played in the final credits. It did not fit with the vibe of the movie at all! I got out of the theater at 11pm and zoomed home to turn on my microphone and record the vibe I was hoping for, the perfect ending to that movie. My boys went out to party in Cap Hill and I stayed home to make this song. By 1am the whole song was recorded. I finished producing the song the following week on an airplane (I was flying to Miami for a swingers party).

LYRICS
Cruella
My name is Cruella
Everyone sees me
a little bit darker
That’s cuz I’m free
deep dark and sparkling

Airplanes are my one of THE BEST places to produce music because you’re stuck in the sky for hours with literally nothing else to do, no distractions or interruptions. I feel cool as hell whenever someone looks at my computer screen and sees all the craziness of the Ableton project on my screen. Ever since I was a little girl I’ve loved this secret feeling of showing off on the airplane. I hope someone sees my screen and is impressed by me. As I’ve aged, I’ve learned to stay focused on my work and care less about what other people are observing and thinking about me. Still, though, it’s a fun little game in my mind to feel so creative and cool. Yes, being a music producer is hella cool. All my music producer girlfriends delight in this…we are badass bitches with the power of the universe at our fingertips. We craft sounds and create worlds and play with feelings and swing people’s moods, awakening imaginations and controlling the bodies of everyone who is listening. It’s a power trip.

If I remember correctly, the Cruella movie ends with bouncy playful music. I was like WFT? This whole story is about dark and light. It’s the evil glimmer in her eyes and a crazy laugh. It’s elegant and it’s mischievous — the devil having fun with herself. Give me more of that! So when I produced this song, I held in my mind the deep dark feelings (deep sub bass sounds) and sprinkled sparkles (the glint Cruella’s eyes) over the top (bells, sparkles, chimes). I played with low and high sounds together. Can I make you feel dark gooey evil vibes that don’t scare you, they excite you? It’s fun to be naughty. “Deep, dark and sparkling”

LOVE,
Cha

Creating My Dream Artist Lifestyle, Living in Flow

It still blows my mind. I’m actually waking up each morning with all the time in my world to take care of my body, teach yoga (my most nerdy passion that I want to talk about all day) and write songs. For years I’ve busted my ass for this delightful lifestyle. I get to adventure, create, rest and play. I had a vision for it and I’ve made it happen and I continue to make it happen. I’m still in disbelief. I feel a little rumble under my surface, nervous stress, afraid it will go away. I feel like I should be doing something else, something that feels more like work…and then I remember…this is my work now. My task is to show up and create beautiful art, express my feelings, share my creations with people, enjoy conversations online with people, rest and play with my friends in person, go out and see the world. I dreamed of a day when my main task would be self care and making music. Here we are. Now I’m learning how to allow and receive.

I have a big backlog of songs to release. As my mastering engineer said in an email to me this morning, “your songs are too good to be sitting on a harddrive.” Yes!! A part of me is a perfectionist and just wanted to protect myself by making sure everything is orderly. Alas, I live in chaos. The songs are the way I release them into the world I kind of messy and even that can be liberating. Honestly, it feels much better, way more fun, to just release what I’ve made and let it go and move onto the next thing. I like that way more than refining one project to “perfection”. I like being in the constant quick flow, like riding a rapid river. Let it go!

Between Sunset and Sunrise in Venice

Negative mindset drags me down and contagiously I start complaining. The people around me don’t understand our extremism and I watch myself degrade and dissolve into the unwell ways.

Can you not sit with me though the darkness? Why must I ache my way through the nights of the soul while you stumble for the light switch only to blind me into seeing nothing different.

Oh, of course. I get it now. You are in the way of the blind still. Try and be damned to bring me back. Only because you cannot yet join me in the genuine dawn. I reject your nightlight.

Bring me the glow of fire! I am not burned as she rises gently, soothing away my moonlit pain, serenading the sweet new day. I see her as I hear the morning songbirds. I await the sunrise within with courage.

Maybe one day we’ll share patience and watch the night dance with day in deeper stillness, deeper togetherness. 

between sunset and sunrise in Venice,

CHA WILDE

Morning Chill in Venice

I wanted to belong to the old places of this world but alas I have always been the new girl. 

I know how I want to live and what I am here to do. I enjoy living my lifestyle, my crafted routine, in new places.

I’m not interested in walking around as a tourist and talking about other people. I want to sleep, write, produce music, practice yoga, workout, meditate and be in still silent moments of solitude surrounded by beauty with friends nearby.

I enjoy the space to myself to explore within. I enjoy the silence in which I rest. I retreat into my music and explore my experiences through words with handwritten ink.

When I am gifted this time and this way of passing through it, I feel fully grounded and fulfilled and my body flows energy more playfully and socially as a result. Forcing the play or social interactions before my silent time is harsh on my nervous system and I shut down quickly to protect my inner world from invasion of outer energies.

I have a delicate garden within and I build a fortress every morning before I open my gates to the wider world which thoughtlessly tramples my flowers while screaming in my ear that I ‘ought to be more jovial’’. My joy runs deep from the garden well and I share it happily with all when I have had the garden to myself for just a moment, the first moments of each sacred day. 

— love & beauty from Venice

CHA WILDE

Opinions and Dragon Fire

“Everyone is asking me to create an album. This will be my first project and I know it’s desired because it has been specially requested. Music that is magical, that touches people deeply and really helps them feel alive in joy and peace, celebration and rest.

I’m either celebrating or resting, living with tenacity or gratitude. I’ve been meek around My Great Love, not living in my dragon fire energy, tiptoeing on emotions, soft voice. It’s luke warm and it’s gross.

I’m not giving myself enough credit. I have my shit together. I know how much work it takes to develop myself to this point. I believe in what I’m doing. I have opinions, one of which is to not cling tightly to one’s own opinions. I give more weight/credit to other people’s opinions out of respect and a desire to be respected as open-minded but in doing so I disrespect myself and my extremely valid opinions.

I have earned my opinions. I stand behind them powerfully. Call me whatever you want. I don’t care. I know who I am and what I believe and what I want. I do not need approval, permission or explanation.

When I look at photos of Music Love on Facebook, I feel love and attraction to him. I’m amazed that a talented handsome man is so incredible at communication and validation and vulnerability. He’s an incredible human and ‘package’. He’s totally exposed, transparent, visible. My Great Love is willing to share but he’s more mysterious.”

— from my journal | July 15, 2016

LOVE & BEAUTY
cha wilde

People Will Say YES to Me

“When I’m around ‘My Great Love’ I feel more at peace with where I’m at and more loving towards other people. I don’t like how it feels to imagine or see My Great Love sexually attracted to another girl on the dance floor and I really struggle when I picture him with a girl in a relationship (like the kind I’m building with ‘Music Love’). The open relationship, free love, does force you to grow stronger as a human and yet that strength doesn’t 100% eliminate human emotions. It’s a feeling that’s unpleasant to see him attracted to someone else and desiring to be with someone else and I can feel it, acknowledge that that feeling is not helpful and move on to a more helpful feeling or perspective. At a rave, festival or concert, instead of thinking ‘he likes that girl and wants to be with her and not with me’, it’s more accurate and helpful to think ‘Oh cool, he found another human we can play with and do stuff that’s fun and feels good.”. It’s a group activity.

All things sexual are not sacred. Music Love taught me that. I’ve always assumed other kids don’t want to play with me because they never invited me or they said I was weird. I feared being obnoxious. But as an adult, I’m awesome. Pretty much everyone likes being around me — I’m fun, chill, accepting, enthusiastic, positive energy. Everyone loves it and I do get invited and included now. Flirting, partying, dancing, sex — it’s all just fun and playful and best when shared together.

I’m not in 2nd grade anymore. People are going to say YES. I’m powerful, desirable and playful. Seeing My Great Love excited by another girl is an invitation for me to join in and play with them. If she’s not okay with me or open to open relationships, he won’t be into her because it’s not a personality fit. He never wants me to leave him alone with a girl so he can have her to himself. It’s always better for him if I’m there.

I need to replace the negative thoughts in my head with positive ones. I am wanted and included. Other people want me to be involved. Other people will say ‘yes’ to me and gladly accept what I offer. People long for my company. They long for my gifts, sharing, stories, energy, music, advice, knowledge, love. People long for me.

I must not hold back. If I hold back I’m not just holding myself back from what I want, I’m holding back from giving them what they want. If I care about them I wouldn’t hold back, I would give wholeheartedly.

Life is not a competition with enemies. It is a playground and everyone is your friend.”

— from my journal | July 15, 2016

Love & Beauty,
CHA WILDE

If I Know What I Want, Will I Go for It?

“I’m sitting at Nintendo feeling stressed about my life. I’m not satisfied with my body, not pushing hard enough or often enough in workouts, not pushing myself enough musically, feeling discouraged and doubtful about a career in music.

I feel like I’m starting too late and I’ve missed my chance. I’m so far behind because I never fully trained in music. I’m like a movie — the same as Eddie the Eagle — the newbie who wants to turn pro right out of the gate. That story is so rare and so discouraged by others when they see it happening. But everyone fucking loves it when they see Eddie the Eagle succeed and they all apologize.

I fear that opposition and failing. I fear ‘they’ will be right.
Like the lyrics in my song ‘Impossible Things’

what if everybody’s right and I should only dream at night

I feel foolish saying I want to be famous, to be on Sasquatch stage, and then to have My Great Love see me being mediocre at guitar and having Music Love reveal to me how much I have to learn about music theory.

I’m always fearing that I’m being humored. Music Love tells me I’m amazing to boost my confidence but he’d see that same potential in anyone which makes me feel that its less special or significant.

But maybe there is that incredible potential in everyone? Maybe all of us can do it. The deciding factor is who is going to go for it. Who is going to keep going when it gets hard? Who is going to push when everybody else decides to take a break? Who is going to listen to the voices in their own head and now be pushed around by everyone else’s voices?

All this time I’ve been worried about having enough skill / talent, if I can meet all the high standards of the industry. I haven’t allowed the possibility that all I have to do is decide. Decide to do it and make it my #1 focus above all else and push.

When all the voices say I’m foolish, I make myself blind to them.

I’ve been confused and flickering, feeling weakness in myself, shying away instead of living with full determined fire raging. I’ve been staying open-minded and flexible like a yogi and that mentality struggles to fit into my idea of a rockstar mentality. How can they fit together, without hindering each other?

What feelings do I really want? What am I really going for? What is my direction? I’ve been lukewarm on many passions and projects, spread thin. Two people this week told me they finally surrendered to what they truly want, their path that’s been calling them and instantly things started falling into place, opportunities started appearing. I desperately want that focus so I can open up the dam and have all those opportunities and miracles flow in.

I have to know what I want, declare it, own it and ask for help and opportunities from the people that can give it to me. I saw this happen with yoga teaching; miraculous leaps and loopholes. When people knew what I wanted and saw my potential and saw me working hard for it, they actively helped me succeed. People want to see others succeed. They want to be involved and be part of fueling the greatness. They feel valued and important when they are asked. They feel the power they have to powerfully impact someone’s life and see great things happen.”

— from my journal | July 15, 2016

love & beauty
CHA WILDE