“When I’m around ‘My Great Love’ I feel more at peace with where I’m at and more loving towards other people. I don’t like how it feels to imagine or see My Great Love sexually attracted to another girl on the dance floor and I really struggle when I picture him with a girl in a relationship (like the kind I’m building with ‘Music Love’). The open relationship, free love, does force you to grow stronger as a human and yet that strength doesn’t 100% eliminate human emotions. It’s a feeling that’s unpleasant to see him attracted to someone else and desiring to be with someone else and I can feel it, acknowledge that that feeling is not helpful and move on to a more helpful feeling or perspective. At a rave, festival or concert, instead of thinking ‘he likes that girl and wants to be with her and not with me’, it’s more accurate and helpful to think ‘Oh cool, he found another human we can play with and do stuff that’s fun and feels good.”. It’s a group activity.
All things sexual are not sacred. Music Love taught me that. I’ve always assumed other kids don’t want to play with me because they never invited me or they said I was weird. I feared being obnoxious. But as an adult, I’m awesome. Pretty much everyone likes being around me — I’m fun, chill, accepting, enthusiastic, positive energy. Everyone loves it and I do get invited and included now. Flirting, partying, dancing, sex — it’s all just fun and playful and best when shared together.
I’m not in 2nd grade anymore. People are going to say YES. I’m powerful, desirable and playful. Seeing My Great Love excited by another girl is an invitation for me to join in and play with them. If she’s not okay with me or open to open relationships, he won’t be into her because it’s not a personality fit. He never wants me to leave him alone with a girl so he can have her to himself. It’s always better for him if I’m there.
I need to replace the negative thoughts in my head with positive ones. I am wanted and included. Other people want me to be involved. Other people will say ‘yes’ to me and gladly accept what I offer. People long for my company. They long for my gifts, sharing, stories, energy, music, advice, knowledge, love. People long for me.
I must not hold back. If I hold back I’m not just holding myself back from what I want, I’m holding back from giving them what they want. If I care about them I wouldn’t hold back, I would give wholeheartedly.
Life is not a competition with enemies. It is a playground and everyone is your friend.”
— from my journal | July 15, 2016
Love & Beauty,
CHA WILDE