What Do You Need in Your Life to Stay Sane?

I'm chomping a the bit to see forward progress with my music but lately because of boy drama everything has been on painful pause (or almost pause - slow motion maybe?). I've had less me-time which means less song writing & less guitar practice. I've been losing my shit - crying everyday, stressing so I can't think straight, going back and forth on my decisions. It's made me realize how having quiet time alone to write songs is essential to my well-being. It's like journaling, meditation and therapy. It's a way to process and express my feelings and when I don't do it they bottle up and I feel like I'm an overlyfull water balloon - bleh. No room for anything new and constant pressure outwards and inwards. So I'm changing my schedule. I've decided to start waking up earlier (5am) and get all my photography work done in the AM so the entire afternoon can be freed up for music - first music on my own and then later music with others. Let's see how it goes ;) We're on Morning #2 and it feels good so far. Davey has changed his schedule to match mine - he left for work 3 hours earlier than usual today so he can get home earlier and we can learn how to use Ableton (some fancy pants music sofware).

x
Chamonix

Feeling Like a YO-YO

Holy cowabunga - trying to please everyone else and not hurt peoples feelings and make sure everyone is equally heard, including myself but it leaves me feeling totally consumed by romantic relationships and confusing hypothetical feelings and I'm like...what the hell, I just want to play music and have fun with it and see progress and move forward and build momentum. I'm a yo-yo trapped between two sides and I don't know how to move forward, escape, improve the situation or even remember that I am a free agent and I don't owe anybody anything. I am free. I must remember that I am free and no matter how much I love and care about other people, I am a human being alone in this world, free to do as I please, stay or leave, do or don't, just do me. I am free to just do me. Why is that so hard to remember/feel?

Should I Form a Band with Two Lovers?

Should I form a band with two lovers?
Magic eight ball says.... Reply hazy. Try again later.

I have a beautiful musical flow with Vinny. We both feel the music in our bones and it makes us sway and create such beautiful organic melodies. I feel safe creating around him, like I can say lyrics or try and miss any note and he would accept it fully. It feels so organic and natural. The idea of working with a larger team feels cluttered and complicated. Like adding people in would detract from our connection and things wouldn't flow as well.

I haven't felt the same musical flow with Davey in the past because we weren't communicating smoothly in general, so I didn't feel safe creating freely in front of him. Tonight I want to try playing with Davey again, just the two of us, because this week we've had massive breakthroughs with our communication and building a deeper connection. Will that translate into music? Is the connection I've been feeling with Vinny more about a romantic connection between two musicians OR are Vinny and I actually like musical soul-mates...all romance aside? 
 


Having Davey and Vinny both play with me in a band would be great for not hurting anyones feelings. It feels like an easy route - everybody gets to be included and no tough decisions have to be made. The benefit could be great creative collaboration and more dynamic sounds. The cost could be greater creative compromise on everyone's parts. It could be a total train wreck with both of them desiring my full time and affection. 

I realize it's not all about me. Vinny and Davey also have to decide if they want to work together too. That's all up in the air with mixed feelings for both parties I believe. It's getting so confusing I have this urge to throw my hands in the air and say "fuck it, im going off on my own and doing my own thing. ill find other musician. maybe ill find all female musicians so i dont have to deal with this boy drama!" lol

We'll just have to wait and see what the future holds.
xx
Chamonix

I am a Collector of Feelings

I am a collector of feelings. I capture them inside songs. 

I had this idea yesterday about how someone could collect fragrances - a little vial of lavender, a vial of orange peel, a vial of dirt from Paris, a clipping of grass after it's mowed etc... All these little things in the world that have their own smell. If we could bottle them up you could build an incredible collection of smells. It's beautiful because smells are so intangible. They're invisible and it feels magical to collect them. Feelings are the same way and we can't capture feelings in a vial but we can catch them in a song. That's why one of my favorite quotes is: "Music is the way feelings sound." 


I want to write a song for every feeling I experience. The writing process allows me to process and understand each feeling more deeply and intimately and then sharing it with the world allows me to pass on that feeling to other people. They can either be introduced to a new feeling or more likely, they would be reminded of something they feel or have felt in the past. And that's all humans want - to feel connected to other humans, to know that we all feel the same things, we are not alone. 

Practice Your Music In Public to Build Confidence

'Are you guys serious? ... Because you should be."
Twice yesterday when we were playing music in the park people stopped to listen and watch us. When we were playing in the back of the parking lot on our car a man came all the way back to see what was going on. He was blown away that we had just written the song we were singing. Later, we were out on the grass and a man on his bicycle rode up the hill to listen to us play and then told us to be serious and go for it. It made me really happy to be able to tell him that we are going to go for it. 

Vinny told me the other day that one reason he knows I'm a rockstar is because when I realize someone is watching me, I light up with excitement. My confidence skyrockets and I sing louder and I have more fun with it. Practicing in public has been the single greatest confidence booster so far for my shy inner musician. It's an opportunity to test the waters - I can sing quietly or I can project and share. I can see if people like what I'm doing. I can see which lyrics I'm hoping people will hear and which ones I feel shy about singing loudly. It's also making me realize that doing this big scary thing (singing in public) is no big deal because people either love it and you're brightening their day OR they don't like it or don't care and they just keep walking. So really the consequences are A) neutral/nothing or B) make the world a better place. Where's the dilemma now? lol

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 PHOTO #1: Davey (with guitar) to my left, Vinny (with guitar) to my right, a clumsy tambourine in my hand and a memo on my phone memo with lyrics I'd just written. We were sitting at the Kirkland waterfront by that statue of the kids holding hands and running towards the water (my favorite statue since I was a kid - when you're staring at the kids' faces, the boy second to the far right is the happiest person on earth haha). 

PHOTO #2: Playing in the parking lot by the car (and the portapotties). lol

It's Not a Just Dream, It's a Calling

I called Krista (my best friend) last night and told her about the crazy excitement that's currently happening in my life. I told her I feel like I'm choosing between two lifestyles.

Lifestye #1: Living in Seattle suburbia with Davey, running my photography businesses, having children, and dying one day...wondering WHAT IF I had gone for it and following my dreams to be a famous professional musician. 

Lifestyle #2: Jumping off a metaphorical cliff with Vinny, selling all my stuff, traveling the world as wondering musicians on tour, connecting with new places and people, never having kids, never settling, always striving for something bigger and greater, blowing up BIG but possibly feeling ungrounded, uprooted and wondering what if I had found peace in a simple peaceful life at home. 

Right now, I feel like I have no choice. I HAVE to pursue music. That WHAT IF is SOOOO huge. It's the one thing I've wanted my entire life, a desire right at the core of my being that has been overwhelming. When I was hiding it, held back by fear for years it felt like my soul was dying....withering away in the darkness of my soul. Now that I've opened the cage and set it free, I feel so alive and happy. I have to go for it. Maybe there is a compromise between these two lifestyles. Maybe I can have my homebase in Seattle - where my heart always is - but I can also have incredible opportunities to travel the world on music tours. I mean, even crazy famous touring musicians all have a home somewhere, right? And just think of all the incredible musicians that emerge from Seattle...my hometown. Maybe, I'm just the next one. 

Krista replied with this message....
"My whole life I've wanted to feel excited about something, or to feel a calling or know that I have a purpose and I never have. You know, I get excited and interested in things but I never pursue them with a strong passion or desire for anything. And I always looked at people who knew what they wanted and felt envious. Like, look at that, they know what they want! If you know what your calling is, whatever that is, then my wholehearted opinion is go after it and don't look back. Cuz most people just don't know. You know, like me, most people just go about living their lies and live vicariously through movies or activities because that brings them joy and it makes them happy because they don't have this desire, they don't know what their everlasting purpose is in life. So when you know, I feel like you have this duty to go after it and to pursue it with all your heart. And who knows what's going to happen. We don't know if they'll turn out or not but we know they won't turn out if we don't try."

Running Wild VS. Marking My Dragon - "Pressure Baby" (Song in Progress)

My voice sounded INCREDIBLE in our empty guest bedroom. The acoustic echoes filled the space and I watched this song pour onto paper. The night before, I'd been talking with Davey about feeling like a wild independent woman VS feeling a desire to 'give myself' to a man. There is definitely a pull in both directions and I have MASSIVE fear around giving myself. I want to remain untamed, possessed by no one and yet there is such a beauty and comfort in 'belonging' to someone who also gives themselves back to you. I do think though that this is all imaginary and that the reality is that we are all independent and wild. We are only tamed if we tame ourselves and build our own fences. Vinny and I were talking about how two people are just doing their own thing, flying through space and it's beautifully awesome if your flight planes align for a little while and you can fly together...but ultimately you fly by yourself. Davey and I were talking about wanting another person all to yourself.

During this conversation with Davey, he told me that he wanted me to be his and I suddenly saw two lime green marking appear on my dragon's neck (yes, I have a dragon...she's like a spirit animal of sorts). She was outside the bedroom window, sitting down (as tall as the house). Her body was colored green & purple (which is like a mood ring when she's on alert protecting me) and her neck up was pearly white (which is how she is when she's peaceful). So she was feeling both at once and the green marks appeared on her neck just above the color line. I don't know what they meant but Davey suggested that maybe he had 'marked' me. I started to have a panic attack at this idea. I don't want to be marked by anyone and yet at the same time, I liked the idea of being marked by him. How can both exist in me - so confusing. This of course, all tied into my back and forth decisions between being with Vinny who tells me he wants me to run while and he would never even tough my dragon VS Davey who wants me to run wild but also be marked by him in some way. It was with these thoughts in my mind that I wrote this song the following afternoon. 

Communicating with Davey + "Give Me What I Need" (Song in Progress)

Communication with Vinny has been so wonderful. Communication with Davey feels stuck. I feel comfortable saying anything to Vinny and talking on and on for hours. I know he'll never get bored of what I say. He's excited by my ideas. Often, I feel like Davey has a limit. I can only talk for a little while (and I better make sure it's engaging and succinct) before he gets tired of it and wants to draw an end to the conversation. It makes me feel limited and blocked rather than freely flowing. But I'm making an effort to share more with him and just pour it all out on him. He can end the conversation if he wants to but I'm not going to hold back anymore. Either he'll love it like Vinny does (maybe he'll even like it) or he won't like and that will be a problem with can deal with when we get to it.

I wrote this song to Davey as an invitation to communicate more with me, an inquiry into whether he can be there fully to support me. It's a request, asking him to change for me - to push himself out of his comfort zone to share more with me. It was hard to sing it in front of him for the first time this evening. Wondering...does he hear what I'm saying? Does he understand what this song means?

My Exciting Bachelorette Life - Falling in Love with Two Men

Last night I was waiting for a photo shoot to start - I had 30 minutes on Capitol Hill in Seattle...I searched for a Starbucks and gave up almost immediately. I plopped down on the grass beside the sidewalk on some random neighborhood street, laid back (it smelled like pee but I didn't care enough to move), and I stared up at the blue sky - airplanes crossing overhead, and I sent a long message to my best friend Krista. 

I spilled the beans on what's currently happening my life story. I'm running my portrait photography business, I'm exploring the new avenue of pursuing fashion photography, I'm feeling the undeniable dream of pursuing my music career and the excitement of finally taking actual steps towards it. Part of me wants to live a peaceful life with a vegetable garden. Part of me wants to sell everything and travel the world as a touring musician. I want to live simply and I want to live crazy. I want to wake up and feel excited about my life and have no regrets. I have an ex-husband who was my first love who I thought I'd be with forever. That rocked my work and taught me that the future truly doesn't exist. I thought it did - I thought our white picket fence dream future was real but surprise surprise...it was so NOT real that it will NEVER exist.

I've spent the last year dating a man who I now love, who reminded me what it is like to LIVE, to be playful, the push my boundaries and comfort zones, to face my fears, to push myself, to actively seek out the fun and not be afraid to be loud and obnoxious. BUT, I also spent the past year hiding myself from this man. I was recovering from my marriage and divorce. I was weak, wounded, scared, lacking confidence and self-esteem, desperate to live again. I couldn't let him see my weakness. I needed him to think I was 150% confident and untouchable. If I could convince him that I was that strong and unshakably happy, maybe I could convince myself of that too and then I would actually become that. I didn't give him any indication that I was afraid of singing in front of people because if he knew that it would be even scarier. Why is it so scary to do things in front of people when you know that they know that you're scared to do those things? Maybe it's because they feel the weight of the action and they'll pay more attention to you. If they think you don't care then they probably won't even watch you or think too much about it. 

But now, I am a strong warrior dragon woman. I spent the pass year healing - learning to take care of myself, learning to not need anyone else, learning to feel pain and move forward with a smile anyway, learning to be honest about what I truly want and how to protect myself from outward attacks. Obviously, I have built up quite a wall between myself and my boyfriend. I kept him at an arms length - not sharing myself to my fullest depth because I didn't think he would receive it. I haven't shared fully with him and he hasn't shared fully with me. Last night we stayed up until 2am breaking through some walls and I realized that I have been making completely wrong assumptions about him for 12 months. I thought he was a good guy, very generous, very sexy, but missing the same depth that I like to live in - living without a sense of childlike wonder and magic. It hurt him so badly when I shared this perspective with him. When he gave me a little insight into the depths of his soul, I realized we have a lot of catching up to do. 

I started spending time with Vinny about a month ago after Life in Color. Falling in love with him has been exciting because we are able to communicate our ideas, feelings and worldviews so effectively. I feel safe sharing myself with him because he receives what I saw so openly and kindly and he is so honored by my presence. We have the same dreams and goals. We have the same bright sun energy that wants to light up the world. We've both felt alone until now. We are both suns and suns can get lonely because they're so busy shining on the world but nobody every lights up THEIR day. Finding another sun who wants to float through space in the same direction and me is exciting. We are binary suns. 

So I called Krista and was like...what the fuck!!! I'm in the middle of my life story and it's getting super interesting. It's becoming a page turner. What is going to happen?! Is she going to be a fashion photographer? Is she going to go after her music dreams? Is she going to end up with Davey or Vinny or someone else or lots of people or nobody? What's going to happen!!! Confusing being in the middle of this story but I'm so grateful that my life story is getting so exciting. Perfect. 

**PS: Davey & Vinny know what's going on. Not surprisingly, these two men in my life are beautifully open minded, supportive and able to patiently let me make my own decisions for my own life story and happiness. They are not jealous, angry or pressuring. They love me and they believe that everyone is on their own path and if our paths cross for a time then we enjoy with gratitude and if they part ways, then so be it. I love them both. I am so happy that the gravity of my sun has attracted two such incredible individuals who wish to share my company. 

I Want to Be Famous Because I am A Sun

To have a dream so big it hurts to live with it inside you, trapped within your skin, desperate to explode out into the world so you may be free to ride on the waves of its wake.

{I wrote this blog post at Starbucks this morning in one giant mind-dump...see if you can keep up lol}

My entire life I have held this secret in my heart - I am a musician, a singer, a rockstar. I belong on the stage in the spotlights, performing, sharing music with the people. I want to be the leader, the center of attention, the epicenter of the human earthquake. 

I want to be a famous musician, performing on the world stage. I want my own reality TV show. I want to be interviewed for magazines and TV shows. I want to be on the cover of magazines and to speak at conferences and host shows. I want to write books, release albums, have millions of followers on my blog and social media channels. I want to receive fan mail.  

I was born with a fire in my heart that is destined to shine light into other people's lives. When I hold back I suffer and nothing happens. When I let go of my fears and give myself permission to shine brightly, my joyful spirit and beautiful compassion heart can reach into other people's fragile shells and touch a precious piece of them that longs to be seen and understood. When I make myself terrifyingly vulnerable, I lead the way and give other people permission to let go of their own fears, be who they want to be (who they truly are) and race toward their own dreams. 

I want to be famous so I can take this gift I've received and give it to the world.
I want to be in the spotlight so I can bounce the bright light back onto the crowd.
I want to stand in front of the world and be seen as what I am...raw, not trying to impress anyone, not trying to look like I've got my shit together...just me - a human who misses little patches of hair when she shaves her legs, who worries about her tampon leaking, who gets nervous when she shares a new song with other people for the first time because she's afraid they might not like it and their opinions might crush her dreams. 
I want to stand up there on the stage and say, "Hey look, I'm just like you. If I can be honest and go for my dreams, so you can you."

I want to be a role model. I will show someone what it looks like to just be yourself and not be held back by fear. I can be someone's hero, not because I'm special but because I'm willing to be real. I believe that's the most powerful thing any human can do. Those are the people I look up to. If we all just let down our guard and admit who we really are behind closed doors, the ripples of change that would flow through the world would blow our minds! I'll be someone's hero because when they look at me, they see the most vulnerable part of themselves. They'll realize I went for it and I didn't combust...it will give them hope that maybe if they went for it, they could do it too!

I want people to look at me and want to be 'like me'; a person who is themselves. So it's not actually about being like ME. It's about inspiring people to finally be like THEM.


That it's. I just want to do me 100% and ME is music - freely singing at the top of my lungs and dancing. I can do this alone in my bathroom and enjoy myself on my own forever. OR I can do it on a stage and let that big energy from my heart shine out into the world and light it up and maybe it will spark lights inside of other people's hearts and they'll start to shine their own passion into the world and then the whole planet will shine so bright the sun will rear it's firey head and pay attention to what is happening on planet Earth - the little blue planet that suddenly started glowing and sending flashes of its own solar fire into the solar system. Let's give the sun a run for it's money. 

What if...what if the sun is just a planet, inhabitied by the brightest beings, living fully and the brightness of their passions illuminates the solar system and attracted the planets into its gravity. 

xoxo
Chamonix

Helentropia Tour

The life you want to live is ready for you. Stop waiting. Just go. 
Vinny and I dream of being traveling musicians, fully living in the story of our lives as exciting protagonists, going with the flow, saying yes to the opportunities and plot twists, always caught up in the action and living in the page-turning moments. That's us. That's how everyone can be. We're just tired of 'playing it safe' - trying to stay stuck in one comfortable chapter. We're ready for the pages to start turning and turning fast with excitement! So we hit the road on our mini band tour - a weekend with a clear intention...to break our heads out of our shells and emerge into the lifestyle we've been dreaming of; a life on the road, seeing new things, experiencing new places and smells and people, creating new music and jamming everywhere with everyone.