"Hey HEY HEEYYY!....Now sing louder than that." This is Davey's answer when I told him I've been too scared to sing loudly around the house. I hear my roommates blasting music and singing in the shower but when it's my turn, I get all shy and keep the volume low. I know they don't mind (in fact they'd actually enjoy hearing my music...just how I enjoy theirs) and yet I'm frozen with fear of being heard, of disturbing people, of making a fool of myself. I've been dealing with this singing-fear shit for years and everyone I talk to TALKS to me. And that's the problem. We're talking it to death and making very little progress. Davey is a man of action and that's why I keep him around ;) When I come to him with problems, he sometimes interrupts me mid-sentence and starts taking action. Like in this situation, I told him I was feeling angry at myself for being so pathetic and quiet around the house when all I want to do is sing loud and free. Immediately, he starts singing, quietly at first, challenging me to sing louder than him. He repeats his little song over and over, raising the volume until we're both yelling in the living room and our roommate yells back from downstairs "HEEEEEEYyyyyy!". When we first started dating, I felt frustrated when he would interrupt me. I wanted to 'talk it through' and figure out the solution. Now I understand that almost always, the solution to my problem is to stop talking and starting acting. This is much more challenging but much more effective. When talking, I'm standing inside my comfort zone, looking out with metaphorical binoculars towards the scary magical land outisde my comfort zone, trying to understand how to get there. But you know how to get there? Put down the binoculars and start walking. // Cha
Your Phone is a Rope Tying Your Ship to the Dock
I can feel it watching me. Downward dog. I tell myself to look at the pretty clouds. Upward dog. Just pretend it's not there. Breath. I'm practicing yoga in the park this morning and my phone is nearby, recording a video of me. I might share the video later...or not. I'm giving myself the option but my main goal is to enjoy the sunrise and the birds singing as I stretch my body awake. So why is it so god damn difficult to STOP thinking about my phone. It's like a creepy little man watching me from across the basketball court. Eww.... I can't fully relax while it's nearby. I feel connected to the whole world when I have my phone and that's exactly why I don't want it here. I don't want to be connected to everywhere because I'm seeking to be connected to right here. Even if it's turned off. Even if it's twenty feet away. I want it to be completely unavailable so I have no choice but be HERE and NOW. This morning I remember why I've been leaving the house without my phone (on purpose). When I walk out the door, part of me is excited for the peaceful old-school phone-free lifestyle and part of me worries I'll want to take a photo or send a message or Google something and kick myself for not bringing my phone. But I say to myself, "Remember all those technology-free walks and weekends and how peaceful and refreshed you feel afterwards? You are more creative and have unexpected ideas and stronger inspiration. You'll be more than fine without your phone. The phone promises possibilities but more often than not (especially for creative work) the phone stifles, limits and blocks. It's like a rope on your ship, tying you to the dock. You can float around a little but you'll never meet the high waves of the sea until you're untethered. Let go and see where you go." // Cha
The Fire-Breathing Dragon and the Ladybird Mantra
Never ask me to wake you up. I HATE waking people up. It's not sooo bad when you just tap their shoulders and say, "hey, wake up" but if they roll over and hit your forehead like it's a snooze button, I'm OUT! This aversion to being a mommy-type alarm clock probably stems from being raised by a family of early-risers, having to carpool with a best friend who literally had to be dragged out of bed by the foot, and having a boyfriend in college who was depressed and needed my help getting up each day. I'm done! If you want to wake up early, set an alarm like a big kid...like ME for heavens sake, and get your own ass out of bed!....So this morning I helped my boyfriend wake up....deep breaths....and the shaking of his shoulders and whispering in his ear drained by fresh morning energy. It was 6:34am and I'm running behind. I hit the snooze button and my whole fucking day ahead is thrown off track. I'm never going to get in the zone at work now. How can I be in a good mood when my boyfriend walks out for breakfast - I'm stressin' inside -- ahh! There are so many things I want to do, so many projects, so many cool jobs and workshops to teach and friends to hang out with and classes to take. It breaks my heart that I can't do it all but I do as much as I can each day. SO when I wake up late, I feel like I've lost precious time, my pulse quickens and FOMO {fear of missing out} kicks in. .... Okay, so am I over-reacting? Crazy? This is often what it's like inside my head. I feel like a fire-breathing dragon that trips and gets burned by it's own flames. My drive to grow & achieve is so great that sometimes it overpowers me and I suffer, feeling unsatisfied, stressed to keep up and stressed about the fact I'm so stressed. In crazy moments like this, I step outside and spread my ribs wide with fresh breath. I listen to the birds singing and imagine being an old woman reflecting back on this life I've lived. She says, "Chill the fuck out Chamonix. Just enjoy the moment, both creating and resting. It's not about the accomplishments. It's about having fun while being busy accomplishing them. If you get stressed, you're not doing it right. Fun. Chill. Fun. Celebrate." Refreshed by this pep-talk from future me, I returned to breakfast with boyfriend. 'Oh hey look!' I say, 'A ladybird has landed on me.' I let the speckled insect explore my finger for a minute. I decide that the ladybird shall be a remind of this life lesson from old me. "Chill the fuck out and have fun with it." I shall call it my ladybird mantra. // Cha
Insecurity is a Stinky Rip Tide
I notice the pairs of eyes looking me up and down, followed by whispers, pointing and more staring. The teenage girls are analyzing me. They think I'm slutty, confident, someone they want to be like or NOT... I don't know what they're thinking but damn it's uncomfortable trying to party when youngsters are judgin'. First of all, these girls are going crazy - screaming and reaching their hands towards Gnash & Goody Grace. When the hot musicians are jamming, the girls are in giggly bliss BUT when the music slows down or stops, the girls drop their shoulders forward, search for notifications on their phones and nervously look around the room at other people...mainly me. Now be warned....I'm sluttin' it up - boobs poppin' out of my lacy camisole, my skin-tight skirt was creepin' up high (blame it on the dope dance moves) and my shoulders were pulled way back with confidence. I think I look dope and I'm having fun so it's odd to me that people would be hating so hard but I get it...as a teenager, I was body-shy and uber-judgemental towards other girls (mainly out of jealousy and misunderstanding). Thankfully, a decade later, I've blossomed into confidence and I'm excited to be friends with everybody and I just want us all to feel happy & confident. AND YET, surrounded by all these teenage hormones, the insecurity in the air is palpable and I feel vulnerable. I feel a pull to conform, to not stand out or rock the boat or do things that appear 'slutty', 'immature' or 'dangerous' - to do whatever it takes so they'll stop staring at me. Fuck all that. I've spent the past two years breaking free from that mold so I can have a more fun life and maybe my lifestyle will even be an inspiration to some other girl who wants to break free and be a little weirder too. But in this moment, the pull of insecurity is like a strong riptide current beneath the water and I have spent the entire night resisting the urge to slouch, to cross my arms, to cover up, to stand still, to avoid eye contact. I'm a human and we humans love fitting in. But damn, when you're with a crowd that you DON'T want to fit in with, it's like holding out a metaphorical arm and boldly declaring, "You shall not pass!" Considering how much effort it took me, a confidence 28 year old woman who pushes herself on a daily basis to face her fears, to maintain open body language, I can only imagine the effort it would take a 16 year old girl swirling through the confusing pressures of high-school to stand up tall and proud. No wonder, they're all suffering from insecurity - it's like living in a teenage petri-dish and they're all rubbing their insecurity germs on each other so none of them can ever escape long enough to get a breath of fresh air.
Here's my message of the day:
A) If you're a grown ass woman, stand up tall and be a beacon of beautiful inspiration for the young women who meet you.
B) If you're a young woman feeling insecure, go make some friends with older powerful women and let their confidence will rub off on you.
C) If you're a young woman who's killin' it with confidence - props to you! I'm impressed and suggest you also spend time with older women to fuel that fire and become contagiously confident to lead your friends.
D) If you're a woman of any age and you're judging other women, go look in a mirror. I bet you're judging yourself even harder. Start learning about self-love (it's a big topic to explore), surround yourself with older confident women and the more you love yourself, it will be easier for you to start loving other girls too. Don't be the bad apple in the barrel. Go fix your shitty attitude so you can feel happy.
Music is Meditation Moving Sound
I pluck a string...as the sound waves drift out into the rest of the house, so does my attention. Can anyone hear me? Are the boys in the kitchen or the game room? If they're in the game room, is the TV loud enough to drown out my music? Are they listening? Do they think it sounds good? Can the neighbors hear me? What if I sing louder? This is embarrassing. Ahhh....All this time I've been so focused on feeling, understanding & overcoming fear. I've continually challenged myself to do what scares me (sing louder, sing LIVE on Facebook, sing when I'm walking down the street, sing at stoplights etc...) and still I'm held back by this tense feeling of stuckness that I call fear. But maybe it's not fear anymore. Maybe it's distraction. Although there are still a couple butterflies in my belly, I'm totally able to sing loudly when I know people are listening. But it's almost impossible for me to sing loudly when I'm THINKING about the people who are listening. It's like multi-tasking; I'm focusing 10% on singing and 90% on where everyone else is and whether they can hear me or not. Simple mathmatics tells me that if I can switch this ratio around, I might have more fun making music. And how, Miss. Yoga Teacher, do you propose flipping this ratio? Me thinks the answer is simple meditation. Mediation in general (like sitting my tushie on a cushion each morning and breathing while the timer ticks down) AND meditation while playing. Every time I catch my mind wandering through the house with the sound waves, can I pull it back to the origin of the sound...me and the instrument. I tell my yoga students that yoga is meditation while moving your body. Perhaps, creating music is meditation while 'moving' sound. // Cha
I'm Gonna Make Some Weird Shit
My 3D glasses are on top of my head. I'm typing frantically on my phone. People are probably glaring at me but hey, an artist is always on-call. I'm watching Guardians of the Galaxy 2 and Peter Quill just found out he's a god who can create ANYTHING. His reaction: "I'm gonna make some weird shit." This quote is now written on a post-it note above my desk as a reminder that when it comes to creating music, I can do whatever I want...truly. There's music theory, popular styles and sounds that people simply would never want to listen to because it would make your eardrums bleed, BUT in my efforts to create 'good' (let's be honest, I'm actually striving for perfect) work that people will enjoy, I forget that I'm free. Nobody is standing behind me with a gun saying, "GET IT RIGHT! -- DO IT LIKE THIS! -- YOU MUST MAKE MUSIC THAT OTHER PEOPLE LIKE! -- IT MUST SOUND INTERESTING! -- IT MUST BE 'GOOD'!" I forget that I can sit at my piano and bang on random keys like a 3 year old, or play my guitar with the string out of tune (just to see what happens), or invent strange chords, or use a protein powder bottle as a percussion instrument. It's my unhelpful perfectionist mindset, a desire to impress and feel validated and my obsessive focus on fear that holds me back from just playing and having fun. With other things like cooking or painting I don't give a shit what people think because I'm not chasing any goals, I'm just playing around and like Peter Quill, the weirder I can make my painting or random stew of vegetables (sidenote: try a large carrot stick, wrapped in seaweed and dipped in sweet chili sauce - my girl Emily & I discovered this weird food combo in senior year of college) the more fun and adventurous my life feels. In fact, doing weird on purpose is totally my jam in almost every area of my life, apart from music. Why do I have blockage with music? Ahh it's annoying. I'm inspired by Peter Quill's playful mentality because it aligns with how I want to live my life -- constantly on the hunt for fun (almost everything can be turned into a game or a joke). I can't believe that musically, it's never occurred to me that creating something weird might be more fun (my actual mission in life) than creating something beautiful (just a cherry on top). Who knows, maybe my most weird creation will end up being my most beautiful? // Cha
Living in Fear is Like Swimming Beneath a Log Boom
Excerpt from this morning's journal scribbles:
"Last night I had a breakthrough! I sang FREELY! People could hear me and that was fine. {Normally, I'm so obsessed and distracted by the knowledge that someone might overhear me but last night} I was more excited about the music, the sound of my voice, creating something beautiful.....I felt completely free, like I could do anything I wanted. I could finally sing anywhere, anytime and I wasn't limited to privacy.....For so long, privacy has been a hiding place. What makes me happy is singing ALL DAY whenever I want and for so long (too long!) I've been holding my breath, waiting for pockets of safe privacy to make noise. It's like swimming under ice or logs, waiting for my next chance to rise to the surface and gasp for breath. How sweet it must feel to live above the water {where I could breath all day without even thinking about it}! Why would I stay below water by choice? Facing fear is {pushing up to the surface and} moving one log at a time, chipping away at the ice. Once you break through, keep going, perhaps even with more force, because if you ease off the ceiling will start to close back in and your progress is lost." // Cha
**Advisory - this is not a lesson in how to escape an ACTUAL log boom. It is a metaphor. I take no responsibility for how you handle yourself in icy water. Good luck.
MY NEW WORDS:
log-boomed: you're floating along happy and then you suddenly get stuck in fear
log-booming: when you realize you're under fear and you're actively pushing to get out
VIDEO: Ahhh! Now I'm made at myself because I was totally getting log-boomed while recording this video. I was in my office and my brother-in-law was in the other room and my skin was crawling at the idea of him overhearing me. I was pushing against the logs but good good it sucks to speak when I don't feel 100% confident - especially when I know how confident I can be. But I suppose it's appropriate given the nature of what I'm tallking about lol.
Operation "Be a Spoiled Ass Hole"
I am a spoiled brat with good intentions. Here's why... My boyfriend gets home from work, runs in the door, grabs me, kisses me and hugs me so hard I could explode. I spend the next two hours spitting off stressy-vibes and complaining how I need more space in the house for all my activities. I need a music room, a branded office space, and a relaxing quiet room (in addition to the bedroom, bathroom and communal areas that I've already taken over with my furniture & shit) because I work from home and I need designated spaces to keep things organized and stress-free. If they're mixed, everything feels cluttered and I'm struggle to focus and feel peaceful. I'm trying to 'optimize' the environment I live in for greatest happiness. He stares at me - no empathy. I'm frustrated and explain myself again (with difference wording). No empathy. Grrr..... Really, it should come as no surprise that he has NO SYMPATHY for me because right after I explain my 'big problems' he says "you can use my game room as your music room" and I reply with, "yah, that's not going to work. It's got too many guy vibes with all the dark furniture etc..." It's a fucking miracle he doesn't slap me across the face right then & there. Instead, like the saint he is, he just smiles and says nothing. Hours later, he puts down his chopsticks and diplomatically explains his perspective. *For the record, he said one concise sentence but this was the heafty message behind it (as interpreted by moi): "You keep giving me reasons why you need all these rooms and why it's causing you stress not having everything set up 'just so'. We have a huge house and you share it with multiple people. You have everything you need, you've taken over more than the rest of us, and yet you demand more. You're spoiled and if I had come to you requesting a room for myself and you'd offered me your music room or office, my jaw would have dropped and I would ask with shocked gratitude, "Really?!" And yet you turn up your nose when I offer you my room, the only one I have and the one I'm generously offering to you as a solution to YOUR problem, because is not up to your standards." He picks up his plate and walks away. I hang my head in shame and tears drop into my guacamole. // Cha
**PHOTO taken at work, approx. 2 hours before Operation "Be a Spoiled Ass-Hole' Commenced
PS: I took 10 minutes to beat myself up, ugly cry, look in the mirror, pull my shoulders back and decide to walk up to him and:
A) admit that I feel like an embarrassed asshole and apologize
B) thank him for his kind offer of his game room but politely decline; I'll make my music/office room work and he can keep his game room
C) acknowledge my spoiled attitude and commit to converting it into an attitude of minimalism and gratitude
His reaction: he gave me a big kiss, forgave me for everything and whispered in my ear that if he had an extra room to give, he would give it to me.
My reaction: phew, what a wake up call and a weight off my shoulders, grateful to toss off this shitty emotional baggage and realize that shrinking my stuff into a smaller space is an opportunity for me to grow into a bigger person
Practice Music Like You're Getting a Massage
Green tea steams beside the piano keys and I start the metronome. It's been months since I've practiced like this; early with the birds singing outside, counting 1-2-3-4-1-2-3-4, feeling boredom creeping in and then finding a way to switch it up and keep going, eyes on the clock (two hour countdown). I set a goal for myself this year of practicing piano for 750 hours (averages about 2-3hrs/day) and I got so burned out after January that I had to go cold-turkey. I thought about giving up on the goal but day after day it eats me up and I've realized I "can't live with myself" knowing that I just gave up. I would be sabotaging my bigger goals and banging my head against a wall of regret...forever - and forever is just far too long to put up with those kinds of feelings. One of my most importnat "Core Desire Feelings" (check out The Desire Map if you don't know what I'm taking about is) is "proud" - it's very important to me that I feel proud of myself. So cut to the chase, I'm back at my piano with the timer going. Fingers twiddling around the keys, I had a realization: "You can beat yourself up OR you can give yourself a massage." In January, I set out to practice for 750 hours and I beat myself up each day trying to keep up. I was so focused on practice, I forgot about play. I could say, "I'm going to make myself practice for 750 hours so I get really good at piano." but wouldn't the world be a more fun place if instead I said, "This year, as a special treat for myself, I am carving out 750 hours of "me-time" that I can spend exploring & delighting in music." I've noticed (especially since instating my "Secret Garden Time" that it's easy for me to spend 2 hours every morning writing in my journal. It's because I view journaling as a relaxing pleasure, a special treat I give to myself each day that helps me relax and find clarity and track progress in life. It's like a massage for my soul. Why not see piano in that same light? So here we go again...750 hours but more fun this time, right? // Cha
No guilt. No shame. No fear. No inhibitions.
"No guilt. No shame. No fear. No inhibitions...." She held my hand and smiled into my eyes as she spoke these words. It was Patty's 70th birthday and I had just snuck passed the bouncer and crashed her party up on the top floor of Barca (a bar in the Cap. Hill neighborhood of Seattle). Patty was wrapped in an LED boa and wearing a giant bull horn headpiece. The room was packed with her friends, all dressed in equally bizarre outfits and everyone I bumped elbows with kept telling me how incredible the birthday girl is. One guys said, "I met her when I was 29 and she showed me what my future could look like." I couldn't wait to meet this woman who clearly had impacted so many lives, liberating their souls simply by being herself and inviting them to join in her party. So when I ran into her on the stairs I immediately gave her a big hug and told her how excited I was to meet her and just as I'd been promised, she was open and accepting. She welcomed me into her party with a warm smile and those words, "This is how I've always lived. No guilt. No shame. No fear. No inhibitions....Join in, enjoy yourself!" So I grabbed a silent disco headset off of one guy's head and a fork out of someone else's hand and dug it right into the center of her giant chocolate birthday cake and yum. Latey, I've been fearing my future; afraid of never overcoming my fear of singing in public or never going for my bigger music and film dreams, of having children and becoming a boring soccer mom, of spending my life in suburbia and missing out on adventures around the world, of never having a significant impact on other people, of never manifesting all my awesome ideas and actually finishing the projects I start, afraid of aging and losing my youthful playful sparkle and love of life...but I woke up this morning with peace of mind and enthusiasm. Patty showed me what my future could look like. // Cha
PHOTOS: Hours before meeting Patty I was dancing on this rooftop on Mercer Island. We were celebrating my sister-in-law's 21st birthday party.
You Can Have a Free Banana...If You Ask for It
"You can have a free banana." A big smile hit my face and I skipped around the produce aisle. A minute ago the Trader Joes guy had walked passed and casually greeted my boyfriend & I with the classic Seattle, "Hey, how are you?" Davey and I both said "fine" and then we looked at each other and corrected ourselves, "Actually, not so good." (We had a weird day). The Trader Joes guys frowned. "Can you cheer us up?" I asked. He smiled and pointed to the bananas. "Choose anyone you want. You can eat it as you shop." I was filled with sudden joy because it felt like I reached through to a parallel universe where cooler things happen. You get what you open yourself up to and ask for. This mini life adventure was probably subconsciously inspired by the book I'm currently reading: "Rejection Proof: How I Beat Fear and Became Invincible Through 100 Days of Rejection" by Jia Jian // Cha
Listen to Your Language - It Tells You What You Already Know You Want
A camping trip or a photo shoot? The choice is mine. I can spend the weekend partying with friends in the forest or hauling my ass & camera around Seattle to make more money. See the language I used there? - 'partying' vs ' hauling' - actually I didn't do that on purpose, I literally just caught myself writing that - and that is exactly my point. I could have just as easily written, "hauling my ass out into the wilderness" and "partying in the city with my camera". If you pay attention to it, your language (verbal & body) will reveal so much of what you actually feel. I want to go camping because it would be relaxing & fun after a busy week. I want to do the photo shoot because I could use extra money. I don't want to do the photo shoot because I'm tired of working and want to relax on the weekend. I don't want to go camping because....no reason. Clearly, based on my language (negative vs positive adjectives), and the fact I have been procrastinating on scheduling the photo shoots, I can see my answer. I know what I want and now I only have to decide if I'm going to listen to that inner voice or ignore it. I choose to listen because ignoring usually leads to bad things like burn-out, unhappiness, resentment. End of story. This applies to everything - do you want to practice piano or watch a movie. Do you want do eat vegetables or pizza? Coffee or tea? Stop saying "I don't know what I want" because YOU DO. Decide and take action. // Cha -- PS: This entire blog post is basically a pep-talk to myself because I've been going back and forth all week and I'm sick of it. So voila, I just answered my own question through a little online ranting! lol
