Be the Painfully Honest "Sandpaper Friend"

"Is that what you want? " M smiled at me over her Eggs Benedict and raised her eyebrows. I had just said that I want to sing to my yoga students during Savasana and that would satisfy me as a singer. That would be 'enough'. "Would you like to hear your music on the radio?" She asked. My knee jerk reaction was 'no I don't need that' but deep down I had that sticky feeling of new possibilities, fear, bullshitting myself and feeling exposed because someone might be staring straight into my eyes and seeing all the pimples and barnacles on my soul. That's what "opening a can of worms" feels like. M, says shit like this - questions that come with 0% judgement and 100% love. 'I'm just asking questions so you have a chance to see what your reaction is, and then it's up to you to determine what you want to do from there.' I like to surround myself with "sandpaper people", the friends who say offensive, honest and challenging stuff. Their words give me an opportunity to feel something (pain, agreement, judgement, anger, humor etc...) and I get to know myself better and overcome things that would otherwise, with tip-toeing and sugar-coating, be overlooked, buried and festering.

Painfully honest people lose a lot of friends because more often than not, people don't want to feel uncomfortable, they don't want to deal with the gunk on the inside. They want to be around "bandaid friends" who make them feel better but aren't necessarily ACTUALLY helping them become better through and through. Recently, I told someone how much I appreciate her as one of my honest/sandpaper friends and she turned around and said, "If you appreciate it so much when people are painfully honest with you, are you being that friend for others?" Ouu fuck. Another bulls-eye straight in the gullet. I'm addicted to facing the ugly truth inside myself and now it's time to start being the sandpaper friend that sits there and asks uncomfortable questions and raises her eyebrows behind egg sandwiches because she loves the other person too much to NOT hold up a mirror and say, "Do you like what you see? If yes, fantastic, let's go party. If not, change it and let me know if you need help because I'm right here changing too." Gulp. Being the honest friend is scary but that's the only kind of friendship I want; the one that pushes me (and us together) onto bigger and bigger stages. // - Cha

My "Secret Garden Time" Morning Ritual

UGH! I throw back my sheets AGAIN and stomp across my bedroom to let the cat out...then back in....then back out. She's got me trained [I blush], to wake up at 4am every morning. She stands on her back legs and paws at the door, sending a banging noise through the house and since she's 'MY CAT' and my roommates are all probably pulling their pillows down over their ears, I'm the one who gets up. At first, I was angry. "God dammit, Cara! I just want to sleep!" Day after day, the sleep deprivation was REAL but I used those early hours of the day to journal, read books I 'never had time to read', walk around the block as morning birds welcomed the day and bake blueberry muffins for my roommates (probably to subconsciously makeup for the annoying cat in the house #myfault). After a couple months, 4:30am is now a normal wake-up time, and the quiet hours that follow are a "sacred buffer", a time for checking in with myself, connecting with nature and staying focused on how I want to live the day ahead. If I sleep in and jump straight to work without my morning rituals, my 'buffer', I almost always have a 'bad day', struggle to focus and life feels like it just flies by out of control. In the book "The Secret Garden', the children discover an abandoned garden and keep it as their secret; a magical land of their own in which they can play and be free. I may not have a secret SPACE but I now have a secret TIME. 4-8am is my 'Secret Garden Time' for my secret magical things that keep me healthy, happy, connected and alive...all thanks to an annoying little cat - a blessing disguised as a furball. // -Cha

Sit with Me - Making Music Videos in the Snow

So my cat jumps on my boyfriend's face at 4:30am and we're up! Boyfriend goes to work. I army crawl into my music room and spend 5 hours composing, recording, filming, and editing a song....fueled entirely by rooibos tea with coconut milk. Now what shall I make for breakfast? 

LYRICS

Guitar / Capo 4
Chords: E, C, G, D

And so, we meet again
My old friend
It's been so long

And so, what we've become
Always on the run
For something more

So sit with me
Sit with me by candlelight
Let all dreams melt away
So sit with me
Sit with me in almost light
And we'll welcome in the day

THE STORY: So for months I've been focusing on just practicing piano and my enthusiasm for music as gone downhill. I missed songwriting & singing and I felt all shitty & disconnected from the magicalness of music. So I talked to a girlfriend who reminded me that I'm have a mental disorder that prevents me from following routine (not really, but I'd believe it). She told me to still spend 2 hours a day on music but why not open the possibilities to doing anything musical...instead of just piano. Maybe that would respark my curiosity. So this morning, I decided to do a whole music project from start to finish. I laid on my belly with my journal and guitar, lite a candle in my favorite lantern to set the mood and started humming. A song poured out and I turned it into a little movie. Voila - the magic is back! This song can be interpreted quite literally. I meet my old friend (music) and realize we've gotten so obsessed with running after goals that we've lost the simple joy of playing, and so we're going to sit in the music room with a candle burning and forget about all the challenging goals & scary dreams and just enjoy making music as the sun rises. :) ▶Cha

What Is Your Soul Trying to Tell You Through Pinterest?

What is this weird Pinterest thing? I spend hours liking photos that look like how I want my life to feel. If I make my life look like Pinterest, will it feel like Pinterest too? Or will I always be striving and longing for something slightly different, slightly better? 

My girl Nikki and I were grabbing Sunday morning coffee and comparing Pinterest boards. What a weird lifestyle. Thank God for girlfriends going through the same shit together. 

Lately I've been pinning bohemian home decor, Badass black leather clothing and exotic lush forests. Somehow these photos are pulling at some heartstrings - something inside me that wants to be expressed. The bohemian decor is the part of me that needs peaceful and beauty environments. The black leather is the part of me that needs to embrace my power and strength. The exotic nature is the part of me that want to feel alive and connected and adventurous. Notice, I'm not pinning white picket fenced gardens, Martha Stewart recipes, sundresses or kids bedroom decor. Your Pinterest boards & recent likes are a little window into your soul and what it's currently daydreaming about. For me, it seems I long for peace, beauty, freedom, excitement, adventure. 

▶Cha 

Push Yourself Through Walls to Find Clarity

Will this album ever end? I'm lying in my guestbed room, earphones blasting the ENTIRE Oh Wonder Album - beginning to end, every song, in order. My eyes are closed and I'm having a good time but then, BOOM - we just hit the middle of the album. Everything is starting to sound the same. I'm getting bored. I don't like this song and I don't want to listen anymore. This is becoming annoying. Maybe I'll go clean the fridge....No! Stay and listen! Follow through with your goal...Ugh....

To survive, I switched my mindset..."Listen closely to the songs you don't like, I told myself, I learn WHY you don't like them. Study the sounds you're hearing. Right now it's now about enjoying, it's about diving deeper to understand the enjoyment."

As soon as I started analyzing the songs, noticing the patterns of instrument choice, what all the songs had in common vs. how they were distinct etc... I became more interested but more importantly, ideas started flowing in! It was only by holding myself steady and pushing through "a wall" that I had a creative 'breakthrough'. All day I'd been trying to come up with a music project for myself and suddenly, my answer arrived, not by thinking but by listening...listening when I didn't feel like it. I gave Oh Wonder my full attention, which cleared the way for me to hear myself fully.

▶Cha

Remove the Little Pebbles in Your Shoe

My body feels heavy. It's going to take every ounce of determination to get out of bed and practice piano before work, before sunrise, before I feel like it. Can you bring the piano to my bed please so I don't have to leave the coziness? OR...perhaps I could bring my bed to the piano?! 

I bought a warm fuzzy robe yesterday and this morning was my first time waking up and rolling out of bed to play piano without freezing or having to get fully dressed. Normally, there are 3 tasks each morning that require willpower / discipline:

1. Wake up early, in the dark.

2. Get out of a comfy bed, into the cold.

3. Practice piano.

It takes all my willpower to get up that there isnt much left for piano practice. By wearing a cozy robe, making hot tea and lighting pumpkin spice candles, getting up early in the winter actually becomes a delightful experience that doesn't require as much motivation and therefore all my energy is still available for piano. 

Life Lesson: When facing big challenges, like climbing a mountain or playing multiple hours of piano each day, remove the little pebbles in your shoe that make the journey more arduous. Climbing and music should be fun, and shoe pebbles are fun-vampires. Always be on the lookout for little changes that make the overall experience more enjoyable and it will become easier to accomplish your goals. 😊

▶Cha

Music Studio Interior Design: What, How & Why

Walk into my music room and you'll see one third of it is full musical instruments, another third is covered in quotes, photographs and scribbles on napkins, and the last third is a bunch of paper slips, soy beans, antlers and a mirror... Confused? ha! Allow me to explain my ingenious approach to interior design...

I have chosen and designed the room's content and layout to maximize my progress towards accomplishing my goals.

Firstly, everything in the room is intentionally related to my music goals. Anything that was just sitting there looking pretty, looking ugly with no purpose was removed. When I am in this room, I am only surrounded by music related objects and this aids my focus. It also sets an intention for the room; when I am in this space, I am engaging with music. Other activities are not permitted and thus the sacred nature of the room also aids in focus; when I cross the threshold, my mind switches into music mode, purely out of habit.

Secondly, the room is laid out to be spacious. No clutter is allowed. All chords, accessories, papers etc... are stored in baskets and draws (unless currently in use). Everyday, when I finish playing, everything is returned to it's allocated spot. A little bit more work on my part but this habit ensures the room stays tidy, I always know where to find things and I have a fresh start every day when I walk into the room. This tidiness and daily clean slate aids with focus and creativity.

Thirdly, the room's contents are divided into three categories: WHAT, WHY AND HOW. 

WHAT
Music. I am playing, composing, studying, recording music. I am playing piano, guitar, some percussion toys, singing and recording with microphones etc.. I have all the instruments for the actual making of the music; the WHAT.

WHY
Music is life. When I play music, I'm feeling, expressing, connecting, communicating, inspiring etc... It's fun and it makes me happy and it's how I work through problems and share my experiences. It's one way I can add value to the world and meaning to my life. Music is how I connect on the most deep and beautiful level with the world and other people.

So I have an entire wall covered in things that remind me of WHY I play music and WHY I am capable of accomplishing my goals. This wall includes a card from my mom that says "The thing I love most about you daughter is your childlike spirit and how gracefully you face challenges...", a picture of Steven Tyler who reminds me to be a badass and do what I want, the "Top 5 Regrets of the Dying" that gives me perspective, pictures of my friends giving me thumbs up which remind me that people believe in me, a bunch of pictures lined up; one for each of my proudest accomplishments in life so far, post it notes with little phrases I sometimes repeat during the day to keep a strong mentality, like "Have fun with it!" and "What could you accomplish if you forgot about being perfect?", and a framed napkin on which, when struck by divine inspiration in sushi restaurant, I scribbled the meaning and course of my life in the most uncrackable code...

On days when I don't feel like practicing music because I'm tired, discouraged or stressed, I can look at this wall and remember what matters most to me, how powerful I am when I put my mind to something, how happy I am when I'm overcoming challenges and doing things that used to feel impossible. This part of the room keeps me going. 

HOW
Progressing towards goals requires missions, measurements, and milestones. A part of my music room is dedicated to tracking this progress. There is a table with a mirror, a Buddha statue on the left, glass jars with soy beans in the middle and antlers on the right. The mirror reminds me to smile. The Buddha statue reminds me to stay patient and calm. I move soy beans from one container to another to track the hours I've practiced piano. The antler is a symbol of freedom. I look at this table and remember this formula: Be positive and peaceful while consistently putting in the practice time, and I will feel freedom in my music. I also have another shelf that holds a box of paper, a jar on the left and a box on the right. Whenever I make a sacrifice for the sake of my goals, I jot it down on a piece of paper, roll it up and drop it into the jar. Whenever I enjoy a victorious moment of success I write that on paper and place it into the box. Taking the time to acknowledge sacrifices and victories keeps me mindful on my journey so I appreciate the growth that is taking place. It's empowering to reflect on sacrifices or successes that felt SO BIG at the time, but now seems so little compared to what we've moved on to

And there you have it. My music room; designed for a musician who needs help staying focused, driven and empowered. WHAT. WHY. HOW. And if you're wondering, but where are all the music cables (the necessary evil and eyesore of the electronic music era)? Well, I've hidden behind blankets and stuffed into baskets. Having tangled black wires all over the place is NOT how this lady runs her music studio. ha! 

▷ Cha

Get Over Yourself & Ask for Help

I curled up into his arms and asked for help. A teardrop slid into the corner of my mouth and I didn't even know what I was asking for; not money, not help running my business, just help...anything. For months, I've seen the word "ASK" everywhere and I've taken it as a sign that I need to suck it up and ask for help in life but I haven't had the guts to make myself that vulnerable. My boyfriend held me and kiss my forehead as I explained how my bank accounts are empty, credit cards are full, I can't afford fresh vegetables so I'm living on rice and peanut butter and I don't have enough nutrients to stay focused at work so I'm feeling tired in the afternoons, I'm stressed about how I should split my energy between photography businesses, teaching yoga and practicing music, and my inbox is empty - no clients are booking photo shoots which means no money is coming in - a painfully slow season.  

An hour later...

It was the most delicious bite of apple I've ever tasted. Another tear rolled down my cheek as I felt how hungry my body was for nutrients and how sweet and delicious the apple tasted. I've never been so grateful. He had sent me to the grocery store with his credit card on a mission to purchase fresh veggies. I felt so ashamed that I had to ask for his help but his readiness to care for me, made me feel so loved. My best friend (who lives in Australia) also sent me a heartwarming message telling me that even though she was so far away, she would find a way to send me money or food if I need it. I would do the same for both of them in a heartbeat. This chapter of financial poverty is making me realize how rich I am in friendship and community. The more I struggle the more my compassion and desire to help others grows. This brief 'starving artist' period of my life is a blessing.

I woke up this morning with a smile, a super hot loving boyfriend by my side, and this passage waiting on my Kindle....

“If you don’t ask, you’ll never get.
Sure, you may only get a little bit at a time.
But if you don’t ask, 100 percent of the time you won’t get. You’ve just got to get over yourself.”

— Sunny Bates in "Maximize Your Potential: Grow Your Expertise, Take Bold Risks & Build An Incredible Career"

What is Worth the Loneliness?

Lonely little tears roll down my face as I start running my fingers along the keys of C Major. My boyfriend just told me he's going out with friends to a casino, then meeting up with our new potential roommate, then going rock climbing tonight. I wish I could go. I love being with people and I'm always sad to miss out on things but unfortunately, right now my butt is glued to a piano stool.

I'm committed to practicing piano for 750 hours this year (averages out to about 2 hours a day). I'm falling behind on my hours this week. It's a sucky feeling. It's like going into financial debt but worse because money can show up at any time but time can't.

I can always earn more money; I could land an unexpected gig, receive a cash gift, get a bunch of photography clients running through my door at any minute. But practice hours don't 'come to me' like money does. Practice hours have to be 'put out by me' and I have limited time. The math is simple...practice at least 2 hours a day and you'll achieve your goal. Practice less than that and you won't. There is some flexibility; I can skip a day and practice longer the next day, but that can only go on for a limited time before I'm so deep in time debt I won't be able to catch up. I could earn $0 all year and then magically earn $60,000 on New Years Eve to reach my financial goal for the year. BUT if Dec 31st arrives and I haven't practice piano enough, I won't be able to make up 750 hours of practice before the ball drops. I needed an entire year to achieve that goal, literally.

Money can buy a lot of things but it can't buy practice. You can only buy practice with time and sometimes spending time is harder than spending money. So, I could be rock climbing with my boyfriend or drinking coffee with girlfriends this afternoon but my heart has no choice. I have to play piano because I am dead set on achieving this goal. I AM going to sit on the couch at Christmas a look around the room at everyone chit-chatting about their new years resolutions and I will silently sip my wine with happiness knowing that I did what I said I was going to do: 750 Hours of Playing Piano in a year. I'm giving myself a gift; not just the pride of accomplishing a goal but a skill I will carry with me for the rest of my life. That means more to me than rock climbing. It's worth a few lonely tears. // Chamonix

PS: I practiced for 2.5 hours today and the lonliness disappeared after 20 minutes. I got so focused on the song I was composing that I time flew by. #victory #gladIstuckwithit

How to Listen to Yourself for Advice

The only advice I'll listen to seriously is "listen to yourself" ... and that's the only advice I like to give. People know what they want (deep down) and any other advice will only affirm it or go against it. The greatest thing you can do for anyone is help them dig down through their layers (usually just be asking questions) until they uncover who they really are and what they really want. When they get to this point, they won't be asking anyone for advice anymore.

A friend called me this morning to chat about his girlfriend, who is struggling to decide between getting married and moving abroad or staying in the USA with family. Is she ready to get married? Is she ready to move to a new country? Will she be happy living away from her parents? She was feeling pulled between adventurous possibilities and the comfort of home. She needs to 'listen to HERSELF' but how does she do that when there are so many voices in her head?

If she's anything like me, the problem is not having too many voices, it's that her own voice is not loud enough or she hasn't learned what her own voice sounds like yet - so her ears can't pick it out from the crowd.

Once you hear your own voice shouting, you'll know it forever and it won't matter if an army of outside voices tries to distract you because that voice from your gut becomes the only voice that matters.

So, my only advice for my friend was this, "Instead of spending all this time talking about what she wants to do, trying to figure out what the 'right' or 'best' option is, have her focus on who she wants to BE. When she's clear on WHO she wants to be (i.e. the kind of person she wants to be and the kind of life she wants to live, the kind of life that she dreams of, that excites her, that makes her feel alive and happy) then all the decisions will become obvious, her path will be illuminated like little lights on the floor of the movie theater."

If you want to be the kind of person who takes daring risks and lives a life of diverse adventure, then the choice between staying home with your parents and flying half way around the world will be an easy one. Likewise, if you want to be the kind of person who cures cancer, then the choice between backpacking around Europe for the summer and getting an internship at a cancer research lab will also be clear. Unless of course, you want to be the kind of person who cures cancer while living a life full of adventure, in which case then you probably need to find an internship at a cancer research lab in the snowy mountains of Switzerland (only accessible by backpack and mountain goats).

See? Figure out WHO you want to BE and HOW you want to LIVE and then you'll know WHAT you want to DO.

As for me...
I want to be the kind of person who is always trying something new*.
I want to be the kind of person who is overflowing with joy and love.
I want to be the kind of person who is enjoying every minute of life for what it is.

So today, with this in mind...
I know my actions/decisions should include trying something new (maybe finally going busking even though I'm scared), cultivating joy** (maybe I'll have a dance party in my bedroom), and delighting in the simple pleasures of the present moment (I'll watch the wind blow through the trees while I suck on my orange slices and sip green tea for breakfast from my favorite mint green mug). 

What about you? // Chamonix

*Always trying something new...despite fear, because fear will always be there. We can't wait until we feel ready or until fear goes away because that day only comes AFTER you do the thing itself.
**I cultivate joy through singing, dancing, laughing & playing. It's a reliable formula - it always makes me feel joyful and I notice that when I'm feeling joyful I do these things naturally. 

Possibilies are Stretching the Fibers of My Brain

Money is a magnet! It keeps pulling my attention away from what I want to focus on. This morning I attended a BNI (Business Networking International) meeting in Seattle. I instantly made fantastic connections with people who needed promotional videos (like the type I sometimes make for artists & creative brands). It was so exciting seeing people approach me and straight up ask for my help with enthusiasm. I drove home on cloud 9 (the air is thin up there) - half ecstatic about the opportunities ahead of me and half nervous that I'll get sucked into another whirlpool of juggling too many things that spread me thin. I was simultaneously planning out a new business model that focused exclusively on promotional videos for creative brands AND trying to figure out how I can cohesively incorporate this film work into the same brand/website as my music & blogging. One day I hope to be free from this scattered juggling that strains the fibers of my brain. Minimalism and focus so I can LOVE people (including myself) - that's my intention for 2017. How do I welcome these project opportunities and maintain focused minimalism? Ahh the artistic entrepreneurial challenges the universe is throwing my way! Faith that everything works itself out, gratitude for all my possibilities, a cheeky smile because I know I'm a powerhouse trickster who can always have fun with it, and deep breathing...deep deep breathing. // Chamonix

What Would You Do With Your Last Hours on Earth

What would you do with your last hours on earth? Would I lie here at home on the couch and cry? Would I hug my boyfriend tight and not want to let go? Would I go dancing? Would I drive into the mountains? These are all things I would do for me. But what if I thought about how much more I could give to others before my clock runs out? What if I thought about what I squeeze into the remaining minutes - as much as possible so I don't take anything to my grave with me. 

I always talk about how I want to bring music to the people, share music around the world and yet here I am at home practicing piano alone. An occasional Youtube video doesn't count as giving my gift to the world. How can I really bring music out to the world...right now? How can I pour muself out using every precious minute, as if I were trying to save as many children from a burning building as possible. I can go sing in the street for people but I feel held back by my lack of skills. I feel like I'm not good enough at the guitar to really be giving a gift to people, I'd be giving medicare music...but perhaps my gift of mediocre music is better than no music and perhaps the act of me giving despite its mediocrity is where the actual gift lies - as an inspiration, showing people that we don't need to be perfect to perform for each other. It's all for joy.