Headphones. Popcorn. Snuggly on the couch. Spotify on shuffle. WAMMMM!! I'm SEEING music. What the heck? How did this happen? I'm a couple weeks into recording music and editing it in Abelton and for the first time my brain is visualizing (like I can actually see them in my mind) the soundwaves and audio tracks when I hear music in my headphones. I'm starting to understand what music LOOKS like when it's recording. Similarly, I've spent hundreds of hours playing scales with a metronome on the piano this year, and suddenly (without intentionally trying) I'm able to harmonize when I sing, my voice can find (almost) perfect pitch, I can figure out how to play songs just by listening to them and I can keep a must steadier rhythm when strumming guitar. It's like cross-training - I play piano and suddenly I'm better at guitar. I record music and suddenly I know how to break apart what I'm listening to; I can hear all the parts that before were just a jumble of pretty sounds. My brain is learning! Learning music as an adult is perhaps more challenging but I bet it's more rewarding. The fact I can observe my brain and body working together to problem solve, connect dots and earn eureka moments is so empowering. Creating music used to feel impossible, something so far way from anything I could do, and now everyday I'm watching music flowing out of me, my skills are noticeably improving and my eyes are opening to the magnitude of possibilities before me. I'm teaching myself to be a music-maker and I'm learning that I can do anything I put my mind to. My dreams are so much closer than I ever realized. #justdoit and see what happens. // Cha
The Party Point - The End that We're All Meaning to Get To
The boys are out looking for some booty-action and I'm swaying with my arms in the air - blissfull as a flowerchild can be. Running around a music festival with my party crew is like hunting - hunting those sparkly feelings we get from connecting with new people and feeling music buzz through our bones. Sometimes the party is with the people and sometimes the party is up on the stage. Either way, the music is what brings us together and makes us feel. Everything else melts away. Music, dancing, partying, creating art, loving people -- this is the end. Everything else in life is the means to get us to this end, to this point...the party point. So whatever means you do today, make sure they lead you to the end...i.e. an evening of dancing, playing, creating, friends, lovin' oh sweet booty lovin'.... you're a human and you're here to have fun and love people. That's the party point. ;) / Cha
Bag Raiders show @ The Neptune Theater --- This was their opening band (can't remember their name ... must find cuz they were awesome!)
My Mother Was Silenced
I've wriiten poetry my whole life and now I am putting music to it so people can feel the ideas.
Feelings are enticing passage ways.
I've been focused on external goals instead of connecting with creation flow - the mysterious beast that it is.
Chasing creation instead of a worldly goal is the way I want to go - because my worldly goal is easy, understandable, tangible and mundane in comparison to the magic whispering your name...come, come and play inside creation.
I am a storyteller of feelings, dreams and the deep dark underbelly of the human universe. I travel to the places that when spoken of, a wave sweeps across a room and one realizes most ears have been plugged. Hidden coves of sparkling ether and tight crevasses that make your stomach churn. I return from these lands broken, bruised and buzzing with news and pearls of wisdom but I cower in the far off corner of society, embarrassed by my disheveled appearance, fearful of being misunderstood, thrown to the wolves of my mind, not recognized for the traveler I am, dreading the dirt casing covering my skin, nothing more than the broken eggshells of my birth, will be so repulsive others will squirm away, and the most undesirable fate known to mankind, loneliness, will befall me as it befell the traveler who preceded me. And to myself I say, perhaps Dear Earthling, you should find another patch of grass whose residence think dirt looks good on you.
I have no interest in sharing a raft down the creative river. I prefer to float alone with friends nearby. This is why you'll find me off to the side with my headphones in, but I'm still at the party, aren't it?
My mother was silenced, excluded, abused, ignored, and mocked because she displayed joy, imagination, romanticism and flaws. This treatment was dolled out by her own family, those closest to her, those who were intended to encourage and protect her. Her great ability to love made her strong enough to endure this treatment. Her daughter, witnessed this treatment her entire life, naturally adopting a worldview that this family dynamic and treatment of a mother, a woman, a daughter, and a wife, a human was standard, a universal norm. How surprised, confused, bitter and sad she was growing up and witnessing that this was not so in other households and friend groups. Threw other people she saw glimpses of a beautiful alternative. Envying it, despising it, and eventually embracing her own desire to have to have it, she set off, though almost unknowingly, on a bold adventure to find it. She crossed the globe to ancient countries to brush her fingers across history, found herself in sticky situations on tropical islands, and ripped off her own skin to became a savage and earned her place in a crew of pirates simply by saying yes. Then she has no idea what happens but she's out on the bow with her arms outstretched and her headphones in.
My mother was never the problem. My judgements of her were formed in synchrony with those around me, my father & brother and extended family stuck labels all over her. Labels I grew to fear ever come near me. I squirm away and ache inside. I realize with mild panic that I am more like her than I ever imaged and fear for my life. But then I remember she was never the problem, it was the people she surrounded herself with. She lived with haters. Her life would be very different were she surrounded by different people. I cut myself out of that community and transplanted myself in a rich soil where I could heal and grow bigger than my wildest imagination.
Should Goals Require Discipline or Ease - Choosing Between Steak and Applesauce
Watch what you do naturally. What do you do that requires no motivation or discipline. In fact, what do you actively seek out, even when you're supposed to be taking a break from it. In January, I force myself to practice classical piano everyday (Chopin) and it was painful discipline, not fun. I wasn't enjoying it and it drains energy and moral. I started hating music because it was becoming a chore. I feared the love wouldn't come back. I didn't play for a month. Then one day I challenged myself to play guitar for 5 minutes and write a little song. My heart woke up. My passion was right there in the songwriting. I had been so focused on practicing the piano and I had completely neglected the more important reason behind why I wanted to learn piano in the first place - songwriting. It was like unleashing a flood gate and songs have been pouring out for months. Instead of forcing myself to sit a the piano for two hours each day, I'm gleefully passing 5+ hours daily without ever noticing the clock ticking. I believed that in order to accomplish something, I must be suffering along the way. I must set a lofty goal and beat myself up until I scale the unscalable mountain. Since ceasing the piano regime and returning to free form songwriting, I've had more breakthroughs, growth spurts, songs and enthusiasm pour out than before. Where did I get this idea that it had to be hard? The easy way led me to success. I had always thought the easy way leads to laziness, failure and mediocrity. It's not the intensity of struggle that determines the outcome; it's the personality taking action. A determined person can find the actions easy and still be determined to take them. It's like chewing steak vs chewing applesauce. One may be easier to chew than the other but neither is better than the other, based solely on the difficulty of chewing, because chewing is a subjective tactile preference which is unrelated to preference in flavor, appearance or nutrients. When deciding which food to eat, there are many factors to consider in addition to chewing. There are many things you can do in life. Some will be easy and some will be hard. Some will be health and some will be unhealthy. Some will be exciting and some scary and some peaceful. Each activity, project, decision we made is a unique mixture of all the qualifying adjectives. I can make music and it can be easy, scary, peaceful and unhealthy (cuz I stay up too late) at the same time. I shouldn't deem my activities worthy of my time exclusively on whether or not they are easy or require discipline. I mean, if anything, perhaps I should be on the lookout for all the life opportunities that are a combo of easy, fun and peaceful. I like that combo. If it's hard, boring or stressful, I'm probably not on the right track because this journey isn't bringing me joy and life is all about the journey. Let joy be the guide and all the dots will connect. // Cha
"Don't try hard, try easy." - Baron Baptiste
How to Get Your Roommates to Do Chores without Asking
For fuck sake! Why is it SO HARD to sweep the floor or recycle your old mail? I live with 3 boys and asking them to do chores doesn't get me anywhere. Rather than battling & nagging them, I started experimenting. Asking questions like WHY.
WHY: do they leave their keys on the kitchen counter?
BECAUSE: it's convenient and easy to remember.
SOLUTION: i put a key basket by the front door - convenient & easy
WHY: don't they do chore when I ask them?
BECAUSE: they're busy, don't want to do it right now & they forget to do it later AND they hope someone else will do it
SOLUTION: i got a kitchen white board and wrote a list of the chores and a list of the roommates' names. you can choose any chore you want and then you cross off your name. the last person to do the chores gets left with the worst job and everybody knows who is slacking. this works better than a simple to-do list because it attaches public acknowledgement (people care about what other people think) and it gives them a choice (if people have a choice they feel happier about doing it because they choose it for themselves rather than feeling bossed around).
WHY: do they leave open / old / junk mail on the kitchen counter instead of recycling?
BECAUSE: it's not theirs, it's easier to just leave it there
SOLUTION: i labeled a basket "mail" and put it on the kitchen counter - people like labels and pigeon holing things. they're happy because their mail is still on the counter (easy for the them) and i'm happy because now it's organized (a basket of mail is WAY better than random mail sprawling across the counter). i might need to update this basket to say 'new mail' and 'unwanted mail' so they can recycled it on the counter and then a chore for someone would be to take the unwanted mail to the recycling bin. i might also need to get a different basket with multiple compartments and use people's name (once again harnessing the power of people paying attention if they're name is used and if other people can see who isn't picking up their mail - social pressure).
It's all about experimenting & fine-tuning. Instead of fighting people and expecting them to think and behave the way that YOU do, take time to figure out why they behave the way they do. If you understand their behavior, you can alter things that are within your control (your words, your home etc...) so their environment changes and they'll react with new organic behaviors. I made the changes listed about (and many more) and without ever saying a single word to my roommates, their behavior changed & I got the results I desired.
Be a scientist with your life! Experiment until you discover what you're looking for! // Cha
Stop Dragging Old Fears Around Like a Dead Body, Music is Fun
Music should be FUN (like this ridiculous record cover). I've taken it WAY too seriously for years because I've been suffering from being trapped & controlled by fear or struggling as I battled fear to the death. I won but now I'm still dragging its dead body around with me. It's a dead weight that's holding me back from running off into the musical wildflower fields and having fun. Why and how do I get rid of it?
"How long have you been playing music?" Simple question and yet my answer is always a complicated mess. I should just say, "I've been practicing for about year....I'm working on this project....This is my next performance....etc...." But noooo... I launch into a sob story about how I've secretly loved music my entire life but never played or performed because I was too afraid of failure or public humiliation. After years of pushing against this fear wall I'm finally learning instruments, sharing and performing. Yadda yadda yadda.... I've overcome my fear but now my obsession with talking about the fear and what happened in the past is holding me back from what's happening NOW and where I can go NEXT!
I wanted to play music for so long and didn't. Then I decided to start and I've felt impatient - wanting to learn faster, overcome fear faster, have something publish and share faster, be ready to perform faster etc... I feel like a wind-up hotwheels car that's pulled back SO FAR, wound up so tightly and bursting to rocket off across the kitchen floor and crash into a chair leg. I am READY to go. So WHY instead of zooming forward with enthusiasm am I boring people to death with my old fear stories?
Here's my hypothesis: Fear had it's claws in me for so long that I actually started holding onto it too. I told fear it wasn't welcome anymore and kicked it off. It let go but I'm still grasping for it's familiar hand. Ironically, being "in fear" has become my comfort zone. It's familiar. Conversely, the idea of walking on stage and feeling totally relaxed and excited (instead of fearful) is so foreign, so unknown, that it's the scarier option.
Two years ago, my challenge was to stand up in front of a group of 30 people (at a yoga teacher training) and sing at the top of my lungs. Before that I had never sung in front of other people (too afraid). That was the moment I left my lifelong security blanket of secrecy and entered the tunnel of fear. For two years, my challenge has been to keep walking through the tunnel, doing shit that made my knees tremble & my singing heart flutter; playing when I know people are listening, signing up to perform in a show, posting videos on Youtube & doing Facebook LIVE videos, singing in the park, publishing songs full of mistakes that I left in on purpose to be raw and vulnerable...not perfect. I have many more challenges and cool musical opportunities ahead but I don't have do do them IN fear anymore. I can do them in JOY. Instead of expecting or assuming that the experience will be terrifying, I could walk onto stage and have fun with it!
I can leave this fear tunnel, leave my comfortable darkness and stepped into the sun on the other side. I can almost feel the warmth of the sun on my skin but I feel a longing pull to run back into the tunnel before the sun gets too hot and burns me. So now, my challenge is to keep walking forward into the light, allow the sun soak into my skin and let the tunnel fade into distant memory. Stop talking about it. Stop looking back at it. Stop starting your Facebook live videos with "So I'm feeling nervous about this video but here goes....." and just click record and start playing like you've been doing it you're whole life. Stop talking about how you used to feel and starting acting how you want to be. // Cha
PS: My mom (a physical therapist) always told me that you know you've healed from an injury when you've totally forgotten about it. If you're still considering it, it's not fully healed. Wise woman. ;)
Overcoming deep seated fears is like surgically removing a part of your emotional self... it's harsh and leaves a wound that we must recover from.
Photoshoping Music - Why People are Afraid to Sing
in a world of fake, i choose to be real dope... for me, music & singing feels like social media or body image...trying to appear perfect, not wanting someone to know you have flaws or mistakes and so you fake perfection and hide everything you fear would be judged as less than perfect. whats wrong with singing the wrong note, with failing to project, with singing a little too loudly into the mic? sure this means we're going to sound "unprofessional" at times but if it's done intentionally to make a point about authenticity, suddenly the vulnerable nature of the "unprofessional" work has greater impact. it becomes a creative revolution in which mistakes are allowed to exist in music, in fact they are embraced as part of the intended composition; the voice and musical instruments produce so many sounds, many of which are deemed ugly, incorrect or embarrassing. of course are objectively these sounds are neither good nor bad. it's interesting to see what kinds of sounds the body can make and i'm sure we can appreciate something beautiful in all of them. the noise of a human voice that's projected from a body that is feeling nervousness will sound different than a noise produced in a moment of pleasure. the emotional body affects the physical body which is the instrument and therefore affects the noises playing out. if you know the rules you can break them and sometimes it's important to remember that at a macro/micro level there are no rules at all and that whatever is, simple is. the whole world is throwing a hissy fit about photoshopping people's bodies and yet nobody seems to be talking about the 'photoshoping' of people's voices. photoshop is not bad but it can be abused and the affects can be detrimental to people's self esteem. being afraid to sing is a major self esteem issue. humans are born to make noise, to sing and hum and whistle. it comes so naturally to us and thus if we are walking the earth as silent beings, i'm going to assume that something is inhibiting us. to live with inhibition is a tragic lifestyle. regret #1 from the dying: "i wish i'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me." life suffocates when existing inside a cage and the spirit, without air, withers. // cha
This is What True Celebration Looks Like
Sweat is rolling down my back. I've been jumping up and down for hours and I'm not gonna feel how sore my feet are until I get home. I look down at the little blonde cutie bouncing beside me. We laugh and throw our arms up higher towards the white laser lights dashing through the air. I feel my best friend hug me from behind, kiss my neck and then he lifts me into the air and I scream with joy as my favorite song hits my ears. My body is vibrating with the bass blasting from the giant speakers. Everything feels tingly. A fresh gust of wind washes over my skin. I lock eyes with a stranger and we smile at each other with total love and understanding...we've worked hard all week at now we get to play and everything we're worried about melts away because all that really matters is right here. I mean what else are we here for other than for THIS: to move our bodies, participate in creative energy and love each other. All the shit in the world that we deal with (fears, fighting, insecurities, wars, politics...all of it) is all the mess that we pass through on our journey towards THIS. A cloud of weed smoke passes by my nose and chill memories of so many past concerts flicker across my mind and make my heart happy. Up on the stage is a giant screen with images of galaxies, Earth from space, and supernovas zooming at me. Holy shit Earth is SO SMALL. Mind blowing and magical. We are microscopic and yet, we are so full of powerful pulsing energy, making as much noise and ruckus as we can....arms around friends & new friends (no such thing as a stranger here), shaking with vitality and singing with pure joy. This is as loud, proud and present as we can possibly be. We are humans. We are alive. We create, we love, we imagine, we appreciate, we celebrate.... like only we can. We are just little atoms of the universe and yet this means that the universe (at least part of it) is made of us. We are the stars. The universe is throwing an ever expanding party and me and my tribe are showing up BIG. Look at those Earthlings - they know how to party! This is what true celebration looks like (fuck Christmas). Let's do it every weekend. See you on the dance floor. // Cha
True Leaders Create More Leaders
"True leaders don't create followers, they create more leaders." As a songwriter and musician, how do I create more leaders? What is a "leader"? Leaders have clear vision and make it happen. They bust-ass and go after their dreams. They take risks and put their neck on the line for a greater purpose. They set an example of what it looks like to say you're going to do something and then actually follow through. When people witness someone carving through rock and accomplishing great things they feel inspired. But when that person also dares to expose their vulnerabilities, to demonstrate that they are just a human - same as you and me - who simply decided with focus and determination to march forward, despite the insecurities, fears & self-doubts, then that inspiration becomes hope. My vision is that one day I perform on the main stage at Sasquatch Music Festival at the Gorge Amphitheater and some girl out there will look up at me on stage and think.... "She used to be afraid of singing in front of people but she decided to go for it and she found a way and she set herself free from that fear and now she's living her dreams. If she can do it, so can I." And in that moment, that girl who followed my music will become a leader. And like ripples in water, another girl will witness that girl living her dreams and decide to go after her own...and so on and so forth. We are all capable of going after our dreams and making things happen. You're only a follower until you decide to become a leader, and visa versa. It's a choice. // Cha
Instagram & My 1960's Lifestyle
Instagram is a stressful bitch. I don't know any entrepreneur/artist who isn't cursing social media on a daily basis. We have to look perfect, keep up, be consistent, be authentic. Jesus Christ it's too much for anyone to simultaneously focus on their craft AND market themselves (hence why you hire managers and staff). So, I've been up since 430am today fucking around with VSCO filters trying to make a custom 1960's inspired preset for my images. I want one filter that I'll apply to EVERYTHING so I don't have to think about it anymore. Why 1960's? It's my lifestyle dude - short skirts, open love, highdeas, sunshine vibes, feathers, daisies and guitars. For a living, I make films for artists & entrepreneurs who want to creatively market their brands online. I've avoided tackling my own music brand for a year because I'm too involved. Doctors shouldn't operate on family. Branding marketers shouldn't market their own brands. But the social media headaches have driven me so insane this week that I woke up at the ass crack of dawn today to bite the bullet and make decisions. My filters are going warm, yellow tinted, faded, decreased saturation & exposure -- all for the sake of some vintage hippie vibes. You have permission to shoot me in the face if I change my mind next week. lol // Cha
PROJECT UPDATE: I have a photo shoot this morning and then I'll spend the afternoon completing my recording of the Gayatri Mantra (first song on my yoga album). I will not sleep until this is done.
Expose Your Dreams & Let Your Friends Believe in You
Saying it out loud is the scariest part. "I am going to perform on that stage." I thought that the world would shake and my friends would smile and nod (but secretly think I'm crazy).
For a year I've known that I want to perform on the Sasquatch main stage but I didn't want to officially declare it to the world because then I would be vulnerable (big dreams are scary because I could fail publicly) and I would be accountable (to myself). It's important to me that I can trust myself. So if I say I'm going to do something, then I'm going to do it and getting onto that stage is going to require a shit ton of hard work. I was scared of signing up for that challenge. But standing there in the crowd, staring up at the stage, I realized I had no choice. I have to be honest with myself. That's something I want. I want to see if I can...just cuz. It would be fun. So I cleared the lump in my throat and whispered my ambitious secret into my friends' ears. Huge smiles spread across their faces. They nodded and hugged me and said things like "I know." and "You're going to be amazing.' and "I'm so excited for that day. I'll be in the front row." I'd gotten so focused on what could go wrong that I completely forgot to consider what could go right. People LOVE seeing their friends go after their dreams. They find it exciting and inspiring. They believe in me and that helps me believe in myself. // Cha
Step Away from the Crowd & Watch the People
I turn around. The crowd is beautiful....almost more beautiful than what I see on the stage. I climb a sand dune. The party down on the beach is beautiful....almost more beautiful than the view of the mountain. I press my face up to the chainlink fence. The sunset over the gorge is beautiful....almost more beautiful than the party down in the pit. My entire life, I've always run away from the party, stepped aside to be alone and watch people. As a kid, teachers used to tell my mom I was antisocial or lonely but my wise mother knew I was perfectly happy. I was observing, watching people. Like everything in life, there is a duality. I can be IN the crowd, with the people OR I can step back and watch the crowd and appreciate the people. There is magic both within and without. It does take a little guts to step out of the crowd but the view is extraordinary AND THEN when you return to the people to party your face off, you have a deeper understanding of what you're participating in and just how beautiful it is. // Cha
