Time to Unplug and Set Sail on a Research Trip for this Novel

8.25.2023
Amed, Bali

Dear Reader.

I have no idea where I am going with this novel. I feel I have a pile of chaos on my desk. Too many characters I love and not enough that I hate. Too many characters who want center stage. I have desire to escape into fantasy or I get stuck dwelling in the past. I’ve written hundreds and hundreds of words and I’m staring at a bunch of story chunks that don’t fit together; snapshots of related people’s lives through time. Sometimes I can’t tell which character is which.

All this confusion stems from my IFS approach. I’ve based the characters off of parts of my personality, my inner family. Did this moment of my life happen to this part of me or that part of me or both? Did this part of me turn into that part of me? They used to hate each other and now they’re friends.

I forget how much I’ve changed and even in the course of writing this book I’ve transformed. I desperately needed to tell a story five more ago and now I’ve gotten so much out of my system I’m feeling so content that the urge to write that same story is gone. To stick to the original plan or to switch it up in response to evolution with new perspectives. I feel resistance to working on the book when all this is going on in my head. I still make little attempts; a paragraph, an edit, I delete a page, I invent a new character, I look through notes, I take a writing workshop, anything to move me forward just an inch.

At the moment, I sense the time has come for a disconnect. I am unplugging myself completely from the project, from the internet, from the laptop. I’m going on away on another wilderness adventure. This time, I’ll be cruising on a sailboat from Sumbawa to Komodo and Flores islands in Indonesia.

I will be refreshed and inspired. Large segments of my novel take on boats and ships in the ocean. A sailboat adventure is experiential research for this authoress.

I’ve noticed I’m resisting writing about mermaids underwater. I think this is linked to me avoiding the ocean myself a bit these days. I’ve felt more drawn to land. I love the wind. A sailboat diving trip ay be the thing I need to get me back into the mermaid energy of the underwater world. On a boat I get wind and water! Those two elements feel virtually identical on my skin these days.

I’ve also been keeping more details about the story to myself lately. It’s debilitating to overshare with the public or even friends in person. Once I speak words, they are more concrete and I feel locked in. I need privacy because I need space to explore and freedom to change without eyeballs on me without somebody else’s hands holding me to something I said. So my dear reader, please allow me space to breathe life into something new that neither of us expected. May we both be open to secrets and surprises!

Love & Rainbows,
Cha sailing into the Wilde

For the Love of Words and Deep Conversations

I wake up to his text message. He’s sent me his word of the day. He wishes he’d chosen it from the pages of a paper dictionary but all of his beloved dictionaries are back home in a box in Germany. He’s surviving with a digital dictionary app on his iPad and looking for something new and beautiful everyday. I delight in the joy of his discoveries of the English language. demur. abloom. ebullient. dulcet. 

I put down my phone and luxuriate in the coastal breeze traveling through my house this morning, like every morning m. I’ve wrapped a robe around my naked body. I’m rolling cacao on my tongue and opening my ears wider, hoping to understand the precious words the birds are speaking. I pick up my phone to text him back. I have my own beautiful words to share. bedizen. concupiscente. pizzazz. For weeks I’ve been swimming in silky disbelief. I’ve encountered another human being who shares my passion for words. He also shares my passion for stretching. He is a linguist and a yoga teacher. He wants to do nothing but be still and observe the world. How sublime. 

It’s the afternoon now and I’ve made my way through town to my favorite cafe, the one with the best green juice and floral jasmine tea. I came here to produce music but my headphones are sitting on the table. My new song is patiently waiting for my attention to return to the computer but I’ve been distracted.

Distraction is inevitable at this small town cafe, especially when I sit at the communal table. Friends was in every ten minutes and hugs go around. Suddenly, I’m offering an impromtu workshop on human hormones. Men and women, their ears raised all around the globe, lean in to listen to the knowledge I’ve carried to Amed. The cafe is eavesdropping on my perspective. Everyone wants to know how to live better. I have answers that make sense to everyone at the table.

This is vaguely what I share with them….

With understanding of how our bodies work, we empower ourselves to intentionally structure our lives in a way that facilitates inner peace and harmony between the sexes. I’ve been speaking more openly about hormones lately, specifically the way I structure my life around them almost religiously. Everything I do is mapped on my hormone calendar. When I teach yoga, when I paint and perform, when I book airplane tickets, when I go on dates, when I stay up late, when I stay home alone to pray, when I look at financial spreadsheets, when I confront people for difficult conversations, ALL of it is in accordance with the timing of my hormone cycle.

Yes, I am the moon cycle. I bleed when the moon is full, in the spirit of fullness and release and wild creation. I am a witch focused on self actualización and offering spiritual guidance to other humans, showing both men and women who to live full of spirit in harmony with the world. You could say all this about me and I have such fun writing in these flamboyant ways. I can also be very down to Earth about it. Let’s focus on evolution. We are all directing our creative energy toward the next step in our evolution. That creative energy manifests as the next generation of humans and it also manifests as the next generation of culture expressed through our art and spiritual beliefs. My writing a new song, I am contributing to our evolution. My hormones play a role in guiding me through these cycles of creation. I could go on and on because it’s my living experience and experiment. If this interests you, start attending my online workshops. I talk about this stuff in richer detail during my livestreams with studio members.

Sign up to become a studio member. 

I enjoy discussing the difference between male and female hormones cycles and how couples can sync up their lifestyles to support each other’s hormone driven activities and emotions. This feels like life coaching but I truly see it as part of the creative and spiritual process that is relevant to life as an artist and yoga teacher. It’s not my area of expertise but it’s an area of fascination that is behind the art and yoga that I share.

Moving on… My new friends at the cafe are eager to include me in their freediving social group. “You must come diving with us! We go everyday day!” Everyday is overkill for me. My hormones say no thank you haha Maybe once a week for me. I am excited to spend more time creating art. 

I point to the laptop that’s holding all my new songs in progress. They want to know if I’ve been dancing in my chair to music I wrote or if its other peoples songs that have me vibin’ in public. I proudly smile and declare, “My own music! I’m dancing to my own music.” I know I make a bit of a scene in the cafe with my arms waving around in the air like willow branches. My head bobs and my hips wriggle on the cushion. I have to feel the new music in my body. If I start dancing involunarily, we’re on the right track. When my body fall into stillness and my forehead scrunches together then I’m back at the drawing board to sherpard the sounds into alignment.

I love to produce music in public places. I’m inspired by that little bit of performance pressures. I know people can see me and I can’t help but dance. I feel cool in my craft. I enjoy my creativity being a little performance. AND me dancing in the cafe as I produce inevitably catches attention and most days I’m passing my headphones to people so they can listen to what I’m working on. Within an hour I have a new listener on Spotify and a new friend in my phonebook. It’s a personal marketing strategy.

I’m distributing my songs directly to the ears of people out in the wild. They got to meet the artist at work. I got to create inside the living world rather than locked away in the studio all the time. I love locking myself away for the raw vulnerable moments so I can fully unleash in the way we only can when we are truly alone. Even then, in those private moments, I embarrass myself with what I sing. I cringe at my improvisations but pat myself ont he back for expressing courageous. I listen through at the cafe and cringe again at the out of tune and cheesy lyrics I sang. I listen through until I find the golden nuggets and I massage those into the next song. I might record in private for an hour to pick out ten minutes of great singing which edits down to three minutes of final song.

I explained all of this to my curious companions at the coffee house. My headphones laid there, patiently. They’ve heard it all before. They want to get back to work but I’m thoroughly enjoying this wave of socializtaion. I am a social butterfly fresh out of the cocoon. 

Love & Rainbows,
Cha Wilde

My Life Slowly Revolves Around the Sun

I wake naturally between 3-5am, ready for the sunrise. Beneath the last stars I sip warm cacao. Sensitive emotions and honest thoughts flow in with the morning breeze. Sometimes I write them down and sometimes I just enjoy listening. I lay down and wait for the wind to blow the day away. Soon the sun is so bright I am blind. I go inside to write. I spend hours laying on my favorite blanket and letting the ocean breeze blow through the open doors, caressing my skin on its way through the house. For lunch, I carve open a papaya and fill it with fresh avocado and sweet sweet passionfruit. When life is slow and simple, a special meal like this is an event to behold.

I have abandoned stress. Rush has no place on these hills. Everyone is smiling and moving with the current. It seems the gods are happy with our offerings. We are mindful of our words. Reality is blossoming from our thoughts. When I sense the sun is ready to fall asleep behind the volcano, I drive along the coast. The moon rises while I am practicing yoga in the outdoor jungle gym with my new friends. We are all laughing as we swing from bamboo bars and try to balance on our hands. We drink from fresh coconuts and eat bananas.

From the cliff, we watch the ocean spread out and our eyesight stretches further than the screens. I’m creating a simple life on the cliffs above the ocean and my time is lost out there at sea, never to return. It’s lovely. I eat fruit. I read. I write. I paint. I breathe. I stretch. I enjoy deep philosophical and psychological conversations over nutritious dinners in an enchanted garden full of pink flowers and hiding fairies.

When I sense stress is sneaking up the stairs, eager to knock on my door and spook me, I wander down to the black sand beach. I message my friend Made who meets me under the umbrella with a sarong. She gives me an hour long massage as the ocean lullabies me. I luxuriate in sensation and my creativity has never been so healthy and ripe, just like the fruit I’m eating. My body is healthy. My mind is stimulated. My heart is open. My spirituality is moving through creatively.

I am producing new dance music inspired by Florence + The Machine. I am writing a fantasy novel that is very inspired by my recent stargazing. I am naked on my porch with wet paint on my hands and knees. I’m smearing colors on large canvases to abstractly express the beauty I see in the sky each morning. The moment urgency taps on my shoulder, I usher her back out the door with a gentle instruction. “Go play in the dirt at the foot of the frangipani tree.”


There is no rush.
There is no rush.
There is no rush.

Love & Rainbows,
Cha in the Wilde

Gili Air Sunsets

I started running again. My knees are cautious, staring up at me with trepidation as I throw my body forward at greater speed. I’m only running because I can run on sand around the entire coast of Gili Air. It’s a small island. The circle loop on the beach took be just over an hour. My cottage is on the sunrise side and my evening run took me around to the sunset, which blew my mind. The entire world turned pink. The tide was out so the wet sand was a mirror for the sky. After months of writing in my novel, I needed a break from writing words. Can you believe it, I didn’t even bring my journal with me on this week long getaway. I only brought paint, headphones for music, and my Kindle. My goal for the Gili trip was to read Peter Pan and The Hobbit. I wanted my mind to be inspired by some high quality old English fantasy. I relaxed at the Flowers and Fire yoga studio and drank peanut butter chocolate banana smoothies at the health food cafe. I wandered until my feet were sore. Then I found the energy to lay out six more canvases and cover them in shades of pink and orange. At first, they looked lovely, soft, gentle and calm but this wasn’t enough for me.

I let the paint dry and I came back the next day with wild visions of blue and gold spray paint at the ready. Creating a calm gradient, a smooth life, is relaxing but it’s not interesting. My husband once said to me, when staring at one my paintings that he didn’t like, that he didn’t know where to look. The paintings that he really enjoyed the most were the ones that demanded his attention to go to a certain spot. There was a hero of the image, a section that captured you and pulled you in. LOOK AT ME! Screams the focus point. It’s the biggest blob, the brightest splash, the only dot in the middle of a plain background. So the six calm pink sunsets, inspired by the beauty that had filled my eyes on my evening run, disappeared behind wild strokes of blue, purple and gold. I didn’t want to make calm paintings, not today anyway. They felt boring. I wanted to make something that pulled something out of me, something I couldn’t find words for. This collection of six paintings is the result of my fiddling around until it just felt right. With wet paint all over my hands, knees and the tiles of the patio, I stood up and nodded, pleased enough to stop. 

These paintings will be for sale in my online shop as originals and Gilcee prints.
Studio members get first dibs on new paintings.

Love & Rainbows,
Cha Wilde

Flowing with Feminine Creativity in Amed, Bali

I am writing to you from Bali, which feels like a tropical magical theme park most of the time. Days are feminine, warm, restful, colorful and slow movements and fresh food and new friends. Scroll down to read the captions - they're numbered and they relate to the images left to right, top to bottom.

1) I'm one song away from the water. I walk out my front door and smile at the sea. As I sit on my scooter, I click “play” on my favorite song, drive down the hill in the warm breeze, and before the song ends, my feet are sliding inside my pink fins.
 

2) I bask in feminine moments. On my visit to Gili Air, I purchased a thick grey blanky to keep me comfy. My spirit was wearing thinner than the hotel bedsheets of Indonesia. I NEEDED a comfort blanket, literally. Now, wherever I go, I lounge on my bed and spread out my journals, books, wooden bowl and spoon and listen to Indian flute music. I light a coffee scented candle and voila…cozy vibes. I shut the curtains to block out bright tropical sun and for a moment, I'm back home in the PNW rainy winter. There's a charm to the darkness that I create for myself on what I call “spiritual rainy days”. Once my cocoon moments are complete, I skip out into the sunshine again refreshed. 

3) I eat dinner in this enchanted garden almost every night. I would believe you if you told me fairies lived in these bushes. Most days I'm eating quinoa or lentil salads with olive oil dressings, roasted veggies, sweet potato fries, sunny side up eggs and drinking from fresh coconuts. I could eat sweet potato fries with every meal. It's a precious treat to be able to eat at a restaurant every night. There a handful to choose from in town and for months I've been making my rounds. Lately though, I've been coming here because it's next to the gym and it has the most magic.

4) I wake up for the sunrise…never want to miss it. Sometimes my eyes pop open at 4am and I drink cacao and write in my journal, waiting and waiting for the first light. The sky turns purple then red…then it glows bright and then wait for it……the orange red neon ball emerges slow and steady. This is the sacred moment to start everyday. I cherish it and try to wrap my mind around the fact that it's actually a sun out there…a big ball of fire that never moved…I'm the one who spun around on this rock. What?!

5) I've been painting a new series of paintings inspired by the sunrises I watch from my porch. I'm still creating in the style of abstract expressionism so none of them look realistic and all of them have totally different feelings…even though the actual sunrise is essentially the exact same colors….hot neon fire red. I let the paint flow wildly without overthinking it. Every painting is created with a live audience online. If you'd like to join the livestreams, you can become a studio member. Heads up, I paint naked and speak openly about whatever is on my mind.

6) I'm living my dream of producing music on exotic clifftops. I have at least a dozen songs in the pipeline. I'm honing my craft as a songwriter and producer; focusing extra attention on the way I'm placing lyrics together so the words fall in line with the music and bounce with the percussion. I'm practice cutting away space in the music so there are these suspenseful pauses that release into fun dance moments. My mantra right now to inspire my work is… “I make music for women who want to dance around happy and play in their imaginations….guys can like it too."

7) I've fallen in love with black sand. This week I shared a peanut butter picnic and stargazed with a new friend. When we left the beach, I turned on my flashlight and the black sand sparkled. There were stars in the sky and stars on the earth. I didn't realize until now that the black sand sparkled and it's magnetic (so it sticks to my Airpods and Kindle cases).

8) I'm upside down when I watch the sunset. Around 5 everyday I ride the scooter to the outdoor jungle gym. I'm in good company with athletes, acrobats and yogis. We stretch, hang, balance on our hands, and pause our workouts to stare out at the sunset lighting up the sky behind the volcano and thoughts soften as we gaze to the horizon of the Bali Sea. Fresh breeze blows through the gym and the flowers bounce up and down as I'm jumping rope. This is the most peaceful nourishing space I've ever worked out in. It's a sacred part of the day for me now. I look forward to sweating beside these people for a couple hours each night. We have a yogi from India, a calestenics dude from Italy, a lifting coach from Germany, a swimmer from somewhere in South America. Despite the fact we're all from different countries, our bodies are the same species, we've all trained for lifetimes, and we share our tips with each other. It's nourishing my soul to move beside them each day.

9) The book…oh the book. I'm swimming (drowning?) in words. I've written so many threads of words and now they're tangled in the most complex puzzle I've ever attempted to solve. All projects ebb and flow. I'm taking a breather and enjoying some summer time play in the paintings and music. Enough of this novelista game…my writer parts are enjoying a break. I'm re-reading my older journals for insight and beautiful writing that slipped through onto the pages. I call this ‘harvesting the journals'. 

Love & Rainbows, CHA in the WILDE

Dear Friend, My Book is a Puzzle

8/9/2023
Amed. Bali

Dear Friend,

I’ve taken to writing on the cliffs. I sip jasmine tea and admire the shades of blue stretching out to the horizon. Thousands of palm leaves shake along the hillside and I feel the same breeze soft on my skin. The pages in my journal flip back and forth. I’m writing this novel by hand. I’m also typing it. It depends on my mood. Sometimes, I can’t bare to look at the laptop screen. Curse digital words! Hand me an inky pen! 

There is no such thing as writers block in my life. If one door won’t open, I go find another way in. If words won’t be typed then they will be scribbled. If paper is unappetizing too then I will make notes on my phone. I’ve learned that typing with only my thumbs is a completely different flavor of experience than typing with all ten fingers. Thumbs, hands and pens, big screens, small screens and paper. Some characters feel safer showing up on paper. Their voices sound different when poured out in ink. Editing is fun on the laptop, tedious on the phone and nearly impossible on in the paper notebook. 

Become an OnlyFans studio member to participate in my livestreams.
Full livestream replays are available in the members area of my website.

---

When I write the story by hand, I am committing to flowing forward. Whatever idea comes to me next, I roll with it and the story has to shape around one idea at a time, each one building on the one before. On the laptop, pieces the puzzle can move around, copying and pasting their way into sense. On the paper, I see plot holes and contradictions open up before my eyes and there’s nothing I can do about it apart from fit the next idea in. On paper, it’s like improvisational theater. Just go with it. Say YES and keep going. We’ll end up with something interesting in the end.

One day, I will be typing up these words that were handwritten. For now, the handwriting is my way into this fantasy realm when I’m tired of working and in the mood to just create without the pressure to be perfect. Strange, isn’t it? It’s more pressure to write by hand because I cannot easily revise. I must commit to what I just wrote and move forward with it. This pressure to commit actually gives me freedom to keep going. I don’t get stuck in indecision or the overwhelm of endless possibilities. Make a choice and go. This pressure squeezes me and then I pop through with a light heart. I want to create with this lightheart, never taking myself or my work seriously while always being very seriously devoted to the process of creating. I’m seriously devoted to not being serious. 

And so today, I watch a large sailboat drifting in the bay and I write a scene about a dragon who is changing colors while a little girl throws a tantrum and a man falls asleep. I re-read words I wrote months ago and I’m laughing to myself to feel that they were written by another woman…a woman I used to be. Writing this book is a transformational process because it’s exposing me to a new way of experiencing life; it is a daily norm for me to exist under heavy pressure while also giggling with playful imagination. It is the classic metaphor of the diamond. It’s an intense process to sparkle so vibrantly. Totally worth it in these moments when I pause to reflect. Totally a pain in the ass and a simple pleasure the rest of the time.

Love & Rainbows,
Cha Wilde

PS: This book is a puzzle with a hundred thousand pieces. I’ve never enjoyed puzzles. This is the most complex puzzle I’ve ever faced and the first one I’m truly devoted to completing. I review everything I’ve written and at first I’m nervous to see how many different versions of the character I’ve written about…and then I wonder…is this just the character’s arch? I’ve written about her in so many ways, in so many places and times because she has moved through all of that from where she started to where she is now. Her story is a journey and I’m actually seeing the journey laid out before me. It’s a lot of to take in and tie together seamlessly. Right now, this book is just piles of puzzle pieces grouped by color. 

Wonderful Things I've Gotten Used To

Oh, I am so pleased by the things I have grown accustomed to. My eyes are singing this morning as I drive through a small town full of wonderful sights that I’m so used to now I don’t look twice. Now I look on lovingly at the woman walking slowly down the street with a bag of rice on her head. The man behind her is completed hidden beneath the bustle of dry grass pouring off of his head. The baby is a limp doll in the other arm of the shopkeeper who is sweeping the morning dust from her stoop. The baby chickens hoping on twiggy branches are playing out of their mother’s eyesight and bigger than yesterday. I can smile at anyone of my choice and they’ll smile right back. The jukung boats are white dots across the big blue world we live beside. The Galungan offers are wilting and dry. 

Kid’s faces peek over the handlebars of their parent’s scooters. A family of three zipped by, kid dangling off the side hip of the back passenger. It’s a warm tropical day and they’re wearing parkas. The morning chill is too much for some. For me, the weather is perfection and I am not afraid it will leave me. I feel a gentle trust in her now. I believe the sun will shine for me again tomorrow and if not tomorrow then the next day for sure. I needed a cozy rainy day anyway. My scooter curves with more confidence these days around and down the hill. I steal a quick glance out over the palm forest and a smile steals centerstage on my face. I love this place so much. My heart swells. The soft wind is like silk sheets on my morning skin. I can’t think of a better physical explanation of heavenly pleasure than this wind on my skin.

Raika is sleepy this morning as she creates my morning matcha. She was working late. I walked into my favorite cafe, all smiles and energy after my beautiful coastal scooter ride. I felt rougher than her twenty minutes ago though. My morning was fatigue waking up for the sunrise again, determined to watch the neon red ball rise above the horizon. That is a sight I refuse to miss. I need no alarm to open my eyes. I may be exhausted from days after days of bleeding my sweet soul onto pages, making my muscles sweaty at the gym, and kicking myself into the ocean to practice holding my breath 16m under the ocean, staying up into the moonlight to catch the words that float in on the midnight breeze….all this sleepy tired yawwwwnnnnning and still I wake up to see the sunrise. It is just too precious to miss and I never get used to it.

Lately, I have often heard people say “There is still beauty in this world.” On mornings like this one I am so surrounded by all the beauty that never left or lessened. There is more beauty in this world than there is ugly. Look around you right now. How many more beautiful things can you notice? Perhaps there is one ugly thing about you now…even within that there is beauty to be found. And even if it really truly is the ugliest little ugly thing that ever existed, surely it existing in an environment that is otherwise entirely filled to the brim with beauty. Yes or no?

If your answer is yes, tell me all about the beauty in your life. If your answer is no, keep looking and come back to me when you can sing of the beauty that is your trying so so hard to catch your precious attention…if only you would open your eyes and take notice.

Love & Rainbows,
Cha Wilde

Learning to Surrender: Writing a Novel Through Darkness to Light

Dear Reader,

Today the sun shines on Bali and the island and all her people are at the grand ceremony. Shops are closed or they open late because the gods are gathering for the offerings. I arrive at the cafe two hours before it opens and I sit on the seat outside, laptop open, alone and ready to edit. 

We’ve come to the part of this journey when I must bring out my swords and my scalpel. I open the pages I’ve written and read through with a monocle and a stiff spine. I click the delete button all morning long, slicing away paragraphs, pages and phrases. 

I read what I wrote long ago and some pieces impress me. Wow, I wrote that? Is a lovely thought to hear in my head. I’m smiling at my own imagination and memories. There is so much joy alive in this story. And there is darkness. 

The air is full of Balinese prayers today so I decide to drop myself into the heaviest words I’ve written. I’m rereading the most depressing part of the story, written when my hands were holding myself up and my words were washed out by a withering spirit.

The resistance was real this morning. I do not feel like reading this sad stuff. I do it anyway and celebrate that I no longer think these thoughts or feel these feelings. Sure, the voice sounds familiar and I remember where I was sitting when I wrote all this but it’s so long gone now. I’m grateful it will all only sink further away with time. 

A part of me does a happy dance to feel done with the darkness, excited that we moved through it and that writing our way through it was effective. Another part wants to delete it all and forget about it, ready to end the reflection and dwelling in the past. Another part wants to publish it and pray it helps someone out there who needs it because even if I’m done feeling these feelings, they’re still true and being lived by someone else. I wrote myself out of the darkness and someone else will read their way out when they find my words. So I keep writing and editing. Little steps of progress towards the finish line where I believe some completed story awaits me. I imagine a bound novel all sparkly and fresh, ready to be devoured by someone’s imagination. By that point, how will my own imagination feel? Ready for a new adventure?

Every day, I’m asked to surrender more. This story is becoming something different than the something I envisioned it to be. I feel pulled between telling the story exactly as it happened to me and embracing the creative license to spice it up and switch things around in a way that feels more playful. I’m loyal to playfulness and I’m practicing letting go of whatever feels stiff and unhelpful. Writing this book is a spiritual bootcamp and I feel like a very different woman than the one who started this project. 

Love & Rainbows,
Cha Wilde

8/2/23
Amed, Bali

The Joy of My Simple Writers Life in Amed, Bali

Dear Friend,

I woke up later today and the sun was blinding too soon. My morning womb was missed and I plunged straight into the heat of the living day. I’ve moved to the quiet part of town were the loudest noises I hear are the leaves rustling in the breeze. Even the roosters are distant out here.

I’m staying in a simple bungalow that serves me perfectly with one exception. I’m sorely missing a writing desk. I’ve pull the wicker chair up to the provided table but my legs do no slide underneath and so I am cramped and curled. I’ve escaped to the cafe to utilize their desk like tables and I’ve taken to work in bedd with the laptop on my legs. Neither are ideal as the cafe is too noisy and the bed is too lazy.

The siesta life is taking over my body. My heart longs for respite from the hot sun burning my skin any chance it gets. I’m scurrying like a mouse from shady spot to shady spot and counting the hours until dusk. I suspect this desire for darkness is the consequence of my inward turning mind and soul. I’m in deep reflection mode, artist retreat, writer lifestyle, monk mode right now…looking inside myself for the answers to the questions I’m asking about this novel I’m sketching out on paper and screen.

Thank the stars for my returned motivation to workout and practice yoga. My body really has been screaming for more movement and a regular block of time to push itself to limits that are not connected to creative projects.

The birds are always singing here. I have two giant red dragonfruits in the refrigerator wondering when I’ll eat them. My cacao paste supply is dwindling and I’m crossing my fingers that the local shop will replenish their stock so I can replenish mine. Cacao is my medicine of choice this month. I’m drinking it morning and night to accompany my writing practice. in the morning I sip it while journaling. In the evening I sip it while writing fantasy fiction. This chocolate beverage enters my bloodstream and my heart chakras open up. Within twenty minutes, I’m having creative breakthroughs, seeing colorful imaginations, tapping into emotions that had been neatly tucked away, and sensing the muscles in my chest tensing with compassion for the faces I look upon.

If you’ve been attending my online yoga classes (for studio members or on YouTube), I’m so grateful to see you showing up. The regularity has allowed us to dive deeper into the subjects we’re exploring. This week we’ve been looking at yoga poses you can do in bed before falling asleep. I love how honest our conversations are in these interactive livestreams. I continue to be inspired by the messages I receive from fans and students. People have always inspired me to keep going.

Speaking of which, I must keep going now on the writing of this novel. I’ve given myself hours of lunchtime to practice yoga and eat quinoa, sweet potato wedges and green juice. Now…now it is time to get naked and find some words to tell a story that is literally inside my heart and needs to work its way to the surface and somehow magically transform into ink on paper. Let’s go!

Love & Rainbows,
Cha Wilde

Writing a Fantasy Novel to Heal Myself: Creating Through the Lens of Internal Family Systems

This fantasy novel I’m writing is a healing project approached from the lens of Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy. Each character in the story has been modeled after one of my own parts. I’ve been practicing IFS since 2020 and it revolutionized my life.

It started as a therapy method to help me heal from childhood, relationship and sexual trauma and it grew into a full on lifestyle and spiritual practice. IFS taught me how to love myself in my entirety…to love every part of me and every part of every other person. The unconditional love of god is the leader of the system of parts that are alive within me. 

I first experimented with creating art “with my parts” in the form of songwriting. I would let different parts of my personality sit at the piano with me and take over the microphone. It was cathartic to hear their voices come out. It was scary at first. I had to build trust with each part of me over many months. 

Now my parts love creating with me. We are all writing this book together. I sit with my parts and we discuss how each character shall behave and what parts of our story we want to tell on the page. I read back and decipher which parts wrote which sentences — they jump in over each other and jumble up sometimes. 

As an artist, I am never alone. I am always the leader of a big family of personalities inside me.

IFS showed me how to work with myself in this creative way. Now I can help myself and love myself with an intelligent and compassionate approach, through any emotion. I can help and love others more effectively too because I can see the parts of us interacting while staying connected to the greater truth of who we are behind all the masks. 

The great truth… Self…the oneness. In IFS we call it “self energy”. 

I practice yoga, meditation and all those lovely ancient ways we have kept along for the journey to help us stay connected to what we really are. Those somatic practices strengthen my ability to tap into and maintain “Self energy” in demand. Being in Self energy (being centered or in higher self as many people call it) allows us to keep a little distance from the emotionally reactive parts. With the distance we can see them clearly and actually help them. 

So writing music or this novel is a game of me allowing my parts to take over and express themselves while also bringing in Self energy to facilitate the conversation and organize it into something we can share with the world. 

I’ll continue to share on this. 

Love & Rainbows,
Cha (and all my parts) 

Whose story am I telling?

7/29/2023
Amed, Bali

Dear Reader,

Again I’ll try to explain this novel I’m writing, this story I’m telling. Who’s story? Not clear to me. It’s blurry but I see a hazy shape. Am I telling the story of a wild sunflower who loved a pirate. Can her heart shatter into a million rainbows? There is a siren, a Waterman, a sisterhood of mermaids. There is a mystical ship that hates men. Voices are trapped in throats. Silence is endured. There is starving and seduction. I can tell you the story of how fiercely a woman can fight to survive. I can introduce you to a bloodthirsty huntress. I can take you into a world that delights in mischief. Together we can live for pleasure. Let’s float on the waves of whimsy and poison our lovers. Whose story am I telling? My world is expanding with so many parts and characters I can hardly keep track. Let’s keep going and pray it starts to make sense.

Love & Rainbows,
Cha Wilde 

Bathtub Joy, Sunrise Snorkeling and Livestreaming Yoga Classes

Dear Friend,

Cacao went flying across the bathroom twice. Twice, I was so excited to be having a candlelit bath that my hand moved too quickly and knocked my wooden bowl off the edge of the bathtub. If someone walked in their first though would be digust. It smelled like chocolate but it looked like brown diarrhea was splattered across the tiles. I sacrificed my pink sarong to mop it up while sweat was still running off my forehead. The room was full of steam and roses. Palo santo filled my nose and softened my mind. Medicine music drummed on my little Bose speaker. For the first time in seven months, I sank my tired body into a divine feminine bath. For the first time in all four seasons and maybe longer, I felt at home in the way I’ve longed to feel at home. My feet were up on the end of the bath and nothing could disturb me.

Warm and snuggly, I crawled into bed and slept in the most comfortable bed I’ve found in Asia. Four giant pillows held me as I fell asleep and woke up in time for madrugada magic! At 4am I was up with more cacao (i didn’t spill it this time) and pen in my hand. By 7:30am I was snorkeling with the fish in the ocean. The sunrise sparkled down through the surface onto my pretty pink Penetrator fins. There was not another person on the beach. I had nature all to myself and she treated me well. I dug my feet into the black sand and stretched my body awake. I LOVE feeling the sand between my fingers. I LOVE it on the beach and I love it underwater. My breath was loud and steady as I enjoyed my morning stroll under the sea.

It was a quick scooter ride back up the hill and the rest of my morning was spent in my bungalow teaching a livestream yoga class inspired by my morning. My yoga classes are always inspired by whatever is going on in my life, whatever is present inside me right now. I’m just a channel and I allow myself to be possessed momentarily for the message that is flowing through. It’s a fun feeling to feel words like a river run through me, having no idea at all what I’ll say next but sensing that everything I’m expressing is hitting home for the person right in front of me. I have friends who refer to this as ‘channeling’ but I usually just joke about it as being possessed or “going off on one” or being swept up by a train of thought. It’s an exhilarating rush to just trust myself to speak freely with audience or classroom listening. I’m teaching and it also feels like performance art. So after delivering that, I poured a cup of tea and gave a little book report (updates on my novel project) for my fans.

My energy feels high and bright and I am celebrating the simple routine I’m living inside. I’m in the house by 6pm slowing down (happy to have a bathtub now!) so I can hit the pillows by 8pm at the latest. Up by 4am to write, in the ocean by 7ish, and on the livestream classroom by 930am. I’m hiding from the sun during the lunchtime hours, snacking from my fruit-filled fridge and managing my business admin while eating chocolate in bed. The afternoon sends me another burst of inspired writing and I’ll hit the gym before sunset and then it’s back to the house to wind down again. This is the plan for the next few weeks. I’m on an exotic island living a simple light that is full to the brim with peace, beauty, health and creativity.

Love & Rainbows,
Cha Wilde