Why does becoming more spiritual feel like I'm losing everything that made me cool and sexy in this world, everything that made me feel likeable and worthy of attention I craved? I say honestly i want to write and pray and breathe beneath an open sky and i fear my insignificance in society more than I fear my insignificance in the universe. I'm in the middle of nowhere blackness near some hot sunshine that keeps me alive why absolutely no idea why I'm here and all I'm worried about is impressing some other lost creatures, more lost than I it seems, into believing in my beauty and feeling touched by the magic I claim to be my own. Though i know better. It is not mine. None of this is mine. If only i could accept this and move on. I cling to promises i made myself like a railing on a steep slope and pray that I'll be enough with or without the fulfillment. Why does my heart lead me venturing out into the lonely spaces where no other human dare be found alone? It's the only place I want to be and yet I crave their company. Who else is out here looking for my company in this blackness and can we ever be together? Are we ever not? Damn this broken illusion and the time I've suffered in waste although it had been my path to this place. And I cling and cling some more. Let me go!!! Cry my attachments and I wonder what will come of me. This path to heaven is it's own kind of hell for a simple human.