Holding Back and Longing to Belt it Out!

You know that part of the song when she just lets loose and her voice soars into the sky and you're like "How does she hit that note...or make that rumbly sound in her throat?" You can't create that sound if you're holding back. There's only one way to reach that level...full on confidence. If you go for it 110% you'll hit it. If you go even 99% you miss the mark. 

I've been listening to "Never Forget You" by Zara Larsson & MNEK. 
Skip to 3:04 - She goes there (Especially at 3:11) This is what I'm talking about. 

Ahhh - I hate when I've been singing in the car with friends recently and we hit this part of the song and I watch my voice shrink away. It's safer to stop singing, sing quieter or just half-ass it than to fully go for it. It's even hard to fully go for it when I'm home all alone. I'm afraid of really reaching out with my voice because what if I try and I suck? What if I let go and I realize I'm not capable of making that sound? If I don't try, I don't fail...yet. Right? Ugh. Bad mentality.  

I'm no longer afraid of singing in front of other people because I know I'm good. I want to feel so free that I can sing (and belt it out) in front of other people even if I know I'm bad or worse...if I don't know either way if I'll be good or bad. It's the unpredictability that scars me. I want to control what sounds I share. I'm afraid of making a sound that is "BAD" and being judged as someone who tries but isn't good enough. These are all just voices in my head. People love it when they see other people really push and try...they still love you when you fail. Where does this fear come from? It's silly. How do I get rid of it? 

-Cha

Self-Sabotaging While Preparing for a Performance

T-minus 6 days until my performance at the Columbia City Theater and I'm still not 100% sure what songs I'll be singing AND which ever songs I choose certainly aren't ready. I have a billion songs but none of them are polished off finished. Days go by and I haven't taken the time to sit down and figure out my 3-4 song set list or practice. Why not? 

I have an incling that my nervous little tummy was convinced that not trying meant that if it went badly then I could blame it on not practicing rather than just not being good enough. Isn't that strange how we do these things to ourselves? Anyway, I realized I was doing this and I caught myself and got it in check. Instead of thinking about whether or not I would do good/bad, I'm just focusing on the fact that I have some cool songs I'm excited to share with people. They'll evolve over time - my music skills will constantly be changing and improving and everyone just gets to enjoy a little sneak peek into the stage that I'm currently at. 

PLUS - how cool for them (whether they know it or not) that they get to be a part of the beginning of my journey. What a fun moment! So I'm off now - time to go choose songs and practice practice practice. 

- Chamonix ;) 

Signing Up for My First Solo Performance...GULP

I was shaking. I was pacing back and forth on my back porch. I was on a phone call to a man in Colorado who responded to my email. I found a super casual ad on craigslist looking for singers (gig-hunting was my challenge for the day). I had no idea what was behind the curtain but I sent an email to find out. Turns out he was with 'Bridging the Music' and he was looking for one last spot to fill at the Washington Solo Artists Awards. He'd watched my Youtube videos and thought I'd be a good fit.

I wanted to say:
"You did see my YouTube channel right?...Like come on, every video on there is me singing pretty while sucking at guitar in my living room. Are you seriously...taking ME SERIOUSLY? You've clearly missed the fact that I don't know what I'm doing. I'm a total beginner and have no place performing on stage, let alone in a competition. I have no fans (yet), I don't really have songs yet."

But this is what I actually said: 
"Yes! Sure that sounds great. Thanks for asking. I'll sign up online tonight."



I was nervous, I wanted to say no. Because of fear.
I was having visions of myself sucking at guitar. Because of fear. 
I was nervous to imagine my friends and family come to watch me. Fear. 
I was nervous that I don't even have the lyrics to my own songs memorized. Double fear.
I was nervous that maybe I've just jumped way into the deep end and I don't want to go after this music career after all. Triple fear. 
And then I couldn't help but laugh....this guy was saying I can "invite out all of my fans" and saying things like, "I'm not sure what other venues you're used to performing in etc..."

I slept on it. I woke up this morning, staring at the sign up form online. I watched my brain put forth EVERY single excuse to not sign up... "if you don't sign up no one will know (except Davey and Joel...hmmm), maybe he got it wrong and the performance is in Colorado and not Seattle (phew), I don't want my first performance to be in a competition so let's just do some open mics and we can do this Bridging the Band thing next year, let's build up more of an online following first, let's just 'think' about it and sign up in an hour or two when you get to work...."

Every cell in my body wanted to run away and say NEVERMIND! I don't want this. This isn't for me. This is scary. But there was this steady voice in me that whisper (almost imperceptibly), "JUST DO IT.....Just do it.....Just close your eyes and do it. You've spent your whole life avoiding scary things and you regret every missed opportunity. You asked the universe for your dreams and they are blowing into your lap. If you really want to pursue your music career, this is how it starts. Take it now or you'll regret it. You are a courageous woman. Make yourself proud. You only life once. You can do this. You definitely won't regret doing this. You'll be so proud of yourself. Take yourself seriously. Believe you're the shit. You can do this. Just do it. Close your eyes and just do it."

So I did it. I'll see you from the stage August 28th. 
Now...I need to go learn some songs. LOL
-Chamonix

Find That ONE Thing and Just Go For It

"You have to find that one thing." He said with a determined smile on his face, eyes wide with anticipation.
"It's music." She said loudly to be heard over the noise of the bar.

Davey and I went karaoke dancing last night at Palmer's in Redmond and we made some awesome new friends. My new music buddy Joel and I were standing still in the middle of the dance floor talking about how MUSIC IS EVERYTHING and we want to go for it. Why haven't I moved forward yet the way I want to....fear. But he looked at me with full earnest and said...you have to go for it. Just go. You have to find that one thing and just go for it. As usual when I talk to someone about whatever problems are circling in my head, the answers are already inside me and having a pair of listening ears just lets them pour out. For days and weeks I've been waking up stressed, wondering 'how should I spend my day, my life, my energy?'. My deep gut just keeps screaming MUSIC. PLAY MUSIC. I even write it on my wrist everyday. Why does my brain get so confused? So finally, standing in the bar with Joel last night, I listened to these words pour out of my mouth and I just couldn't be confused anymore. My path forward is too clear to deny.

"I just know that if I'm on my death bed and I spent my whole life as a photographer, no matter how awesome it was, I would always be wondering...what if...what if I'd gone after music wholeheratedly with all my time and energy? What could have happened? What could I have experienced? But I think if I'm on my bed bed and I can look back and remember that I gave my whole being to music the best I could, taking every risk and opportunity to fill my life with music, I won't have any regrets. It's the only thing that deep inside me. It's at the core of who I am and it's the only the that will truly fulfill me through and through. If I pour my life energy into the waves of music I will be able to die in peace."

Crying in Starbucks Over Imaginary Monster Friends

Working in Starbucks this morning and I this video came on my Youtube playlist. I instantly started crying. I have a beautiful imaginary monster friend and this video totally struck a heartstring with me today. I just felt that poignant understanding that my life is passing me by and I only have once shot to live it the way I want. I don't want to be sitting in Starbucks answering emails and making Pinterest infographics about photography. I want to be dancing in the wind on a mountain top recording a music video - feeling alive and vibrant, in touch with everything around me. I want that video to spread around the world and surprise people on Youtube and make them feel like dancing in their Starbucks chairs because they can't help but dance and they feel a calling to come to life and go after their dreams too. 

Overcoming Fear of Rockin' Out at Stoplights

When you pull up at a stoplight and the person in the car next to you is rockin' out hard!
Isn't that the coolest? For 25 years of my life, I wished that I had the guts to dance like nobody was watching. Then last year, I was sick of living in fear and I started pushing myself to overcome my fear of singing and dancing in public. My dream was the sing/dance freely on stage as a perform, so how could I ever do that if I couldn't even find the courage (or just the fun-bug) to do it at a stoplight. I mean, seriously - it's just a fuckin' stoplight. What's the big deal?

Baby steps. I started by NOT turning down my music at stoplights. I always drive with music on full blast and I used to always turn it down at stoplights to be respectful to others. When I changed this it was very awkward at first - I felt like I was really rocking the boat and other people would be grumbling about me in their cars. It didn't take long before I realized that the world wasn't ending - nobody was saying anything or even reacting. My loud music turned into little dance moves and a little bit louder singing. 

These days I pull up to a stoplight and keep on blasting and hang-banging, it doesn't even cross my mind to change my behavior. In fact, I find it strange when I look around and realize I'm the only one having a party. Now, it's so normal to me to dance and sing without holding back (whether I'm driving or walking down the street) that I expect everybody else to do it too. It surprises me when they aren't doing it and I just want to look around and say "hey guys, dance with me! you can do it too - you'll like it!".

:)
Chamonix

Love a Thousand Times -- Songwriting

Never have I ever... dated a guy who is best friends with your brother AND your ex-husband. Chamonix must drink.

I jumped down that rabbit hole in May and let's just say it didn't go so smoothly when my ex found out. I wasn't trying to keep it a secret - I actually tried to tell him twice but the conversations were NOT the right timing. One night I published a video of Vinny and I playing music together and Miggy (my ex husband) sa it on Youtube and called me up because he could 'see the look in my eyes'. He'd figured it out and he wasn't comfortable with the situation. We had a challenging phone conversation and I felt misunderstood afterwards.

I felt like everyone else wants me to follow a set path in life, follow the typical conventional safe way. But I was to push myself out of my comfort zone, to dive into new experiences even if they're 'risky' because you might get hurt or make life messy. I think it's that messiness and crazy unexpected unpredictable twists (like falling in love with your brother's best friend and ex-husbands buddy when you meet up wearing underwear and rollin' balls at a Life in Color rave). Life happens people. Ride the wave and give yourself freedom and permission to stop following all these fake society rules and go fall in love a thousand times! xx - Chamonix

PS: Vinny and I started writing music for this song outside the courthouse in downtown Seattle (photo below of Vinny in those gorgeous trees!!)

Music First Because It Makes Me Happy

Striving to be famous is silly and exhausting. Over the past couple months I've gotten so psyched up about dreams of stage and spotlights that I totally lost touch with my passion for the actually work...da music. I'd been so stressed and strained for time - splitting my life between work and two romantic relationship. I was going insane and running on fumes. No time for music play, especially since a lot of the stress revolved around who I was going to be playing music with. The worst part is that when I get stressed, pretty music the only thing that really helps is writing music - get it all out of my system. So that music life stress without music...BAD BAD BAD.

Anyway, life is getting better now - boy drama is dying down (ugh the pain and struggle that comes with the excitment and falling-in-love-joy), I'm focusing on running my photography businesses and instead of striving for the excitement of being a famous musician, I'm putting my energy into practicing musical instruments everyday (learning guitar & keyboard) and working on my songwriting.


The goal right now is to focus on writing songs, improving musical skillz and creating a strong habit of sharing music - sharing online on my blog/Youtube channel and also sharing it out in the world - singing wherever I go, playing music live in the park etc... Create, play and share. Focus on that because this is really what I love and what I want in life....just music music music. If it leads to fame that's an entirely different and less important matter. I just want to swim in the music and share it with other people so the whole world gets brighter. 

I really remembered this yesterday when I was a Safeway with Davey and I was carrying my little boombox around the story playing "Try Everything" by Shakira (sooo goood!) and singing along and dancing in the produce area. When we were in the checkout line, Davey surprised me and blasted it again on the boombox and I started dancing with the checkout clerk and the people in the lines around us were looking over and smiling. In that moment, we made the world a better place simply by bringing music into everyday life. Sharing my love of music made those people's lives a little better...no fame required....just passion and sharing. 
 
So, I'm back. Music first...just because it's fun and it makes me happy. :) x Chamonix

When All Else Fails...Play Music and Go Be a Boss

Boy stress, financial stress, never getting enough work done, desperately needing me time. Jesus...I've felt totally drained without even realizing it. Days go by and I haven't played music. That is like a red flag from hell. Chamonix is a constant music machine. If the music ain't churnin' something inside is destructively burnin'. lol But I've been stuck in that bad place where the very thing I need to make myself do (get up, move, rest, dance, sing, play, laugh) all seems totally impossible. This week I was in a deep dark rut - an existential crisis was sinking in and even music felt meaningless. Bleh! I only escaped by listening to a video of me singing "I Choose You", cuddling with Davey, walking around the neighborhood talking with Vinny on the phone, and finally sleeping.

Vinny told me that often before the weather changes, there is a pressure build up in the atmosphere. You can feel a change is coming and it's intense. Davey told me that before his wrestling matches he would be nervous if he really cared about winning. If he was nervous he performed well. If he wasn't nervous it was a bad sign. Vinny told me the same thing about performing in music. If you aren't nervous before going on stage, something is wrong. This is where my life is right now.

Both of these amazing men helped me see clearly - a change is coming. I'm about to do something great. I'm feeling the intensity brewing in the air around me. I feel the nerves and stress building in my system. I'm not drowning and failing. I'm amping up to something incredible. Suddenly nerves become excitement. I woke up the next morning ready to tackle the world and a new sharpie tattoo on my wrist as a vital reminder of what keeps my spirits lifted....PLAY MUSIC. 
-Chamonix

PS: Remember...you're a boss. Go kill it.

I Choose You (Original Song RAW)

On Sunday afternoon, I sat on my couch journaling an epic novel and I finally came to a conclusion. I'd been going back and forth about boys and who I needed to be with right now... constantly asking myself who I should focus on or leave or be with or choose...back and forth between Davey and Vinny. After miles of handwritten reflection I realized that my answer for this moment in time is Davey. Last week I had all the necessary conversations - telling Davey when we were on the dance floor at the Die Antwoord concert last Sunday and Vinny out on a coffee date in Bellevue. So many emotional ups and downs. 

It was on Monday morning (after the night in the city with Davey and before the afternoon coffee date with Vinny) that I wrote this song. I sat down in the Nintendo cafeteria with my cappuccino and hummed a melody in my head and let these words pour onto paper. It came out as one fluid complete song...no editing required. I recorded myself singing it on Wednesday afternoon. I sent it to Davey on Thursday when he was at work and he loved it. He came home early to play it with me. He said it was probably the nicest song anyone has ever written about him... "Oh, do you have a lot of songs written about you?"... "Yes, as a matter of fact I do." -- All written by me of course :P hehe I've written a lot of songs about my struggles with our relationship in the past and it makes me really happy to write a song about us that is happy.

:) -Chamonix