Less is More in Krabi

I wake up in this morning and enjoy a deepening connection with this body. I explore this beautiful world on bare feet, twirling down the open air hallways of this king’s palace, walking through this exotic run-down beach town, digging these hands into nature with sand beneath these fingernails, laughing with another artist, storytelling through digital devices, repeating these words, “LESS IS MORE.”

What a challenge! How can I embrace less when there is so much more I’m excited to create and experience? I want more. I also want less. How will less be more this time around? I know it always is. It just takes me a few days to slow down enough to understand. If this challenge is excess, what does the solution feel like?

So what does Thailand offer me? A simple beach life so far. The beach gives so much space, perspective, a return to ease. She draws my attention outwards into the epic beauty of the world around me. My gaze pulls out of the naval and broken pieces of heart to see the sparkles and shadows on the horizon.

Bali feels more like home each day I am traveling away from her. WTF is happening with the rest of the world? It makes less sense to me than it used to. This soul felt more at peace in Bali, looking out through the eyes and seeing the landscape of earth and humans as I had dreamed it could be. Bali may be the world I would have created.

I still like the idea of writing a book and maybe many more beyond the first. I am starting to wonder if I am actually in the process already and it just looks different than what I’d imagined it would be like. It is so natural for me to write like this I don’t even realize I’m doing it. What did I want to write about before coming on this trip? Oh ya, my lovers. Perhaps the final chapter is about myself. I am my greatest and final lover. Am I experiencing more love with less partners?

In Bali, I focused on listening. I moved in my own energy and created wide open space. I watched myself try to fill it with many different vices, comforts and experiments. I created space and I expanded to fill it. If less is more now, what does all this space look and feel like when I fill it will less? Allow the space to be more spacious. What magic will move in when I make room for it? More magic, less wondering. More presence, less wandering. Step back, release what I’ve been doing, let go of what I thought would be, fully accept this invitation to participate in the world in a new way.

The day is spent walking miles, washing sweat and sand off the skin. I tried to paint and didn’t feel like it. Sometimes art feels terribly forced. I stop and walk. This neighborhood took a toll from COVID. Most stores are closed or barely open, hoping tourists will sit for a meal or buy a plastic floating unicorn. Locals run down the beach in the morning, feed their babies on a beach blanket when the tide is out, lounge on their mats for dinner picnics at sunset. If I walk a couple miles I hit the strip of tourists; drunk Europeans, Botoxed lips, loud Americans, lines of Asian girls strolling in pretty dresses with linked elbows and sun hats. Every souvenir shop is selling exactly what ever other souvenir shop is selling. I bought a new journal (pink, teal and orange silk)! A new pink bikini, white butterfly lace cover up blouse, a white crochet tie around top, a few silk scarves for friends in America, a new bottle of Shea Butter lotion, leave in conditioner (travel is rough on hair), and Listerine mouthwash. The highlight of today and yesterday and tomorrow is the morning coffee and ink, pouring onto tongue and paper. I appreciate the open space here to be quiet and feel so deeply. Why do I love to feel so deeply and swim in the ocean of emotions? I always have and probably always will now. Why does a whale swim? No choice in the matter I suppose. I’m realizing how much I am in love with every element I am. The water fills me with feelings and washes me playfully. The air cheers me up with every breath and warm caress. The earth pulls me down into something I can trust and I hold hands with the sand. And I wait for the fire to light up the sky and burn in my muscles as I run.

Lay me back in a beachside armchair and run my feet for an hour as I watch the sunset… I’m YES PLEASE. I’ll be back again tomorrow and the next day. This is the gem that was hiding from me, giggling with delight when I followed a butterfly and walked into a peak moment of life.

Food. More vegetables please. Hard to find fresh veg and green juice. Energy is low due to lack of fresh veg. Send help. Less fried food and sugar here than in Malaysia, thank all the gods. More rice and spicy flavors than I’m used to eating. Less variety between restaurants; like the souvenir shops, most restaurants are serving the same dishes. More eating out than I’ve ever done in my life. Less money spent on food than in America buying groceries. More meals eaten alone with myself. Less self consciousness about being alone than used to bother me. I don’t even notice I’m on my own anymore. I’m just excited to eat.

More deep thoughts extracted from my journal, a typical dinner conversation with myself:

Who am I doing all this for anyway? Myself? Posterity? Strangers around the world? My family? Maybe I need to let it be different, more old school. Maybe not everything I originally envisioned and wanted…maybe something better if I truly allow myself to be shaped by this journey…release control and let it shape me. Maybe this journey will teach me to take only one magical photo a day.. It will peel me away from perfectionism, editing and comfort blankets. Maybe it will pull me away from relationships that no longer nourish and fill the tanks of love.

Love and Quiet Rainbows,

Cha Wilde

Running with Seashells, Loving Family

Good morning from Thailand. I begin with a barefoot run down the beach, yoga poses getting me covered in sand, seashells stuffed into my sports bra, little crabs scurrying into their holes, sun getting hotter by the minute. It’s been a long time since I ran. I love it. Only on sand now for the safety of my joints. Another reason why I feel called to live on the beach… my legs get to run free through the wind, open stride and wild once again, youth awakens again!

What are we trying to create here?

What experience am I missing out on?

Create a creative solution.

Limit yourself to move forward better.

Running on the beach collecting seashells, paper gun and soft colors. Shells I’ve never seen before; spirals, shining, shimmering, swirling shells. I washed the sand off in the sink. It’s still there. Won’t go down the drain and back to the sea. I’m excited to place the shells beside my canvas as I paint and see how they inspire the artwork I create in Thailand. They remind me of grandma.

Oh my family; what a journey to learn love and acceptance, to learn love from great distance knowing the distance can be crossed in a heartbeat and even faster if I screamed “Help!”, if I spoke my loneliness aloud, if I simply asked. The distance may cover the oceans of water and sand, the long walk down the hallway, the drive across the valley, the reach for the phone. The distance my voice travels through the air to deliver the words “I love you” to the ear I love and the distance those words travel from the ears to the heart to know it’s true, true love from any distance.

Long walks to find With-Fi and vegetables. Everywhere looks the same. The tourist part of town is insane energy, like any party spot on a beach; hectic.

I walk and walk back up the beach, up the quiet row of palm trees towards the singing birds and slip through the empty halls of the mirrored palace, smiling gently if I pass a human though I’ll likely go through to my room completely unseen. Back to the balcony to play with paint and wash sand off my body in a shower whose water hasn’t run hot yet. It takes me time to learn how to turn water hot, flush toilets, dispose of tissues and switch on/off the lights. Everything has a hidden touch here.

Love & Rainbows,

Cha Wilde

Goodbye KL, Hello Thailand

What did you learn in Kuala Lumpur?

1. There is A LOT of sugar in the street food.

2. Moist soggy squishy burgers are delicious!!

3. The buildings are a hodgepodge, colorful, mixture of decades and cultural architectural styles, mostly covered in a bit of grunge and wild fauna.

4. The people here had to use all their savings to survive through COVID and they’re still barely getting back to normal work, not yet able to save, still surviving and looking for jobs.

5. Serving rice and curry on banana leaf will improve aroma and flavor; the heat of the rice releases fragrance from banana leaf.

6. Rainbows and colorful buildings are speckled around town and will guide you on a fun spontaneous follow-the-butterflies tour around town.

7. Heavy rain falls every afternoon, following a sunny morning with puffy clouds.

8. This city and country are actually quite young, their independence from British Empire declared within the past century. It’s still in the air.

9. The Petronus Towers are the tallest twin towers in the world and they were built in a race; one tower constructed by a Japanese team and the other by a Korean team. The Korean tower was completed a few days earlier.

10. Malaysian people eat whatever they feel like throughout the day, not adhering to western patterns of breakfast first and dessert last. My tour guide said he often eats dessert first. Our tour included 13 dishes in a mixed up order; dessert, appetizer, main, dessert, main, appetizer etc…

11. The green roof and my beloved red lanterns hanging in the Petaling market street in China Town, we’re only recently hung. Before they were installed, the market street would receive the full force of the daily rain showers.

12. There’s a little old man who flirts up a storm in China town as he cooks Chinese pancakes with peanut butter and coconut. My tour guide called him “Malaysia’s James Bond” because he’s so smooth with the ladies, including me. Hot pancake in my hand, he spoke quickly and smiled, “You’re so beautiful. So much beautiful should not be covered up! So beautiful!!” — all the words he spoke were translated for me from Kantonese

13. I drank freshly made soy milk for the first time! YUM! Rich flavor soooo much more vibrant, gloriously flaviforous, than what I’ve tasted from the box.

14. If you mix coffee and black tea together, your tongue might wonder if you’re drinking chocolate. There was probably a heap of sugar contributing to this effect as well.

15. Steamed bread is freaking soft and sexy in the mouth!!! Way better than toasted bread. Life changer.

16. If you become a food tour guide you will likely become obese from eating and tasting and reviewing street food all day. Many Malaysians have diabetes and obesity issues because of the high sugar, grease and salt in the diet.

17. The Grab app (their version of Uber) works…expect delays when ordering cars. The traffic in the city can be hectic, slowing down journeys.

18. Apparently outside of this city there is a healing river, glowing blue plankton in the ocean, fireflies in the first, an elephant sanctuary with cheeky baby elephants, waterfalls and ancient temples in the caves. The nature surrounding this city is inviting me back to Malaysia. Come play in the green jungle, the magic jungle outside of the concrete jungle. My tour guide promised to take me to the special spots onto next visit to Malaysia.

19. Chinese and Indian people were brought to Malaysia by British to work. Three generations later their descendants are living here and China and India are not their home and they are treated as second class citizens in Malaysia because they aren’t Malaysian either.

20. Some traditional Chinese people (Leon’s grandma) don’t wash their hair on Chinese New Year because they think it’s washing away the good luck that has fallen on your head that day. Leon’s grandma would hide the shampoo on Chinese New Year to make sure the kids didn’t use it. The tradition doesn’t matter as much to him.

These are the paintings I created in this big city, in the window seat and little desk of the Exsim Ceylonz Suites near Bukit Bintang.

What did you learn about yourself in Kuala Lumpur?

1. I prefer being in nature to the city, in places where people smile easily at strangers, and women can run around naked, or almost naked to their hearts delight. I prefer simple world close to nature. In the big city I can sense the chaos of the striving people.

2. The sugar and oil gives me pimples and my brain gets foggy and my body feels anxiety and self loathing sensations. Yikes. The tastebuds are happy for a hot second and then downhill crashing from there. Watch out for tasty street food tours and how they expand your food horizons )super fun!) and your waist. The food tours were special for me because I got to share food and meals with people — I’ve been eating alone a lot.

3. I can sense how far away from the earth I am when up in a skyscraper. The elevator rides feel like wasted time in a box. I prefer walking and immediately being on the go out the door.

4. I felt empathy for people who lived in high rise studio apartments during COVID, trapped in a tiny box.

5. I ordered delivery food for the first time and enjoyed the convenience.

6. My body really really really needs and craves vegetable and fruit nutrients.

7. I still want to work from my phone and only use the laptop for producing music. One solid day of computer work a week, in a cute coffee shop is acceptable.

8. I prefer to have a silent gym; no music playing while I workout or do yoga.

9. I love falling asleep with a view out my window.

10. I feel more self conscious about my body when it hold more fat, pimples and water and I still love myself and my body.

11. My confidence as a model being photographed has radically improved to the point of comfort and play from a decade ago when I was painfully shy to be seen posing. Now it’s fun because I know what I’m doing.

12. I actually enjoy Impressionism painting in my own way.

13. I’ve compromised a lot in relationships and now I am clear on what I want, the lifestyle I’m enjoying and the type of connection and communication I enjoy.

14. Rae is a fucking phenomenal friend thus far. Such great energy and reliable communication. From day one, we’ve been there to support each other through the shit and giggles. I’m thrilled to be going to Thailand with her!

15. I can call my mom anytime and she’ll help rescue me. I’m so grateful to have an adventurous mother with so much world experience, who allows me space to do my own thing while always being there without fail when I ask for help and guidance. Fucking amazing. I am truly blessed.

16. Overthinking travel plans (where to go and stay) causes a lot of tension in my body. It’s better to make a quick aligned decision and move on to spend my precious energy on other more important projects and states of being. I can agonize over which hotel is best for days and lose sleep over it. Perhaps it’s old trauma; fear of feeling trapped in a place I don’t want to be. My protector parts are overworking to make sure I feel free and happy wherever I stay. Im much more clear now on the type of hotel space I’m enjoy and can locate, identify and decide much faster now.

I can’t believe I’m finally ordering Matcha tea lattes! That’s something new that entered my life in KL. They mixed espresso into the matcha and I was sold. I even paid for one on the airplane —- wtf!? Who am I? Lol matcha used to be gross. Now it’s on my list of coffee alternatives I actually enjoy. I sipped the green foamy stuff as I peered down at Thailand’s island for the first time.

A little whirlwind off the plane with no cell service, no common spoken language and no idea where to go really. A man walked up with a sign that said “taxi”, I said yes and next thing I knew I was in a van with ten people gabbering away in Malay. My first impression of Thailand was worn down jungle vibes; somewhere in between Bali and KL. I didn’t fall in love at first sight. The cliffs took my attention though. I think it’s fair to say I came for the cliffs, the promise of turquoise magic water dives and a friend named Rae. Everything else…whatever.

Stop by stop, the van dropped tourists at their hotels. I was the last stop. Drop me at the palace please, in a land far far away from tourists and cars. At the end of palm tree boulevard, with a view of the long empty beach, there is an almost empty palace. Walk in the entrance passed Ganesha dresser in orange and rub the orange belly of a bird named Susi, trapped in a cage. The older Thai man owner went to university in Florida so his English is the only English I’ll be hearing from anyone for a while. He said the hotel would be displeasing to the king who would be very possessive over his palace’s blueprints which were unabashedly referenced. It took four years to build this hotel and perhaps it will take four more for it to recover after COVID. My body senses the bizarre emptiness. Is a murder mystery life game about to begin? Why are there only ten people in a palace built for thousands? I enjoy the surreal grandiosity of this moment.

What do I order when all I read are pretty scribbles? I’ll walk for miles for fresh vegetables.

and a poetic clip from the journal….

Who would fall in love with me like this? Would you fall in love with me in all this complication? Run for hills, leave me standing on the roadside with my baggage?

Love & Rainbows,

Cha Wilde

Rainy Days in China Town in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia

Too Much Sugar in Kuala Lumpur

I feel scattered, drained and frustrated in this city. Kuala Lumpur is lacking smiles, efficient transportation, phone service (for me) and healthy food. My face has pimples, my body is storing fat, I only have internet access in my hotel room and a few cafes, the Grab cars are late and I’m nervous about how much skin I’m showing, feeling restricted in my clothing and expression here. The cute places in the hotel I had hoped to film livestreams don’t have Wi-Fi and the hotel staff and guests all seem antisocial, grumpy or stern.

The buildings are a beautiful and strange hodgepodge of history and cultural collisions. The streets and buildings look dirty and run down although the morning sunshine with blue sky and caffeine makes everything better. The cheerful coffee shop barista makes my day with his loud welcoming Indian accented “good morning!!” That hollers across the room to every entering guest. Joyful connection! I love his way.

I hate being in the backseat of taxis with advertisements playing. I HATE advertisements. Please turn them off. Why are we letting this rubbish into our minds! Ahhh!! Take me to Thailand and back to Bali. I miss riding on punctual scooters through the silent but whispering wind. I miss the Balinese smiles and narrow alleyways. Take me back and take me away from this stressfully disorganized and depressed city. What do I love here? I see beautiful in the colors! Rainbows everywhere! I see beautiful trees and little purple flowers along the roads. I see diversity and cultures seemingly harmonious in their daily dance together on one land. The skyscrapers are easy to stare at; they reflect pink in the sunrise and sparkle in the night. The world is beautiful everywhere because life, color and texture is with us wherever we go. A weed in a crack is beautiful. I don’t need perfection. The charm is in every moment. I just miss smiles and quiet easy movements around a more peaceful land. This city feels a bit “grim,”, as Rae would say. I’ll be with her in three days on the beaches of Thailand! Until then, I shall thoroughly enjoy a food tour and a nighttime photo shoot.

Visiting Kuala Lumpur has deepened my appreciation of the lifestyle I’m most excited to live; it matches more with Bali. I value my health and I love the colors!!! New art from the Chinese market!! This is what I take away! Colors in the rain!!!

13 dishes and every dish included at least 1tsp of sugar. This is why Malaysian people have diabetes, obesity. The oil has pimples popping out on my face. The sugar in this food has my belly swelling. My body grabs at the fruit smoothie and the vegetable juice each morning for fresh nourishment! The food tours show me what’s happening here on the daily for this people. The flavors are rich and beautifully loved by the chefs and the foodies. The stories behind their food, the history and the love their have for the stands that have been serving on these spots of land for over forty years. It’s beautiful and I’ve had my share. Thank you for the flavor.

And I fall asleep looking at the skyscrapers; the Patronus towers are the last thing my eyes see before I sleep.

FOLLOW IN MY FOOTSTEPS

AirBnb Experience: Chef-Curated Kuala Lumpur Street food Tour

China Town Food Tour, Kuala Lumpur

I’m not just here to see things. I’m here to cocreate with the beauty, to live a life of simple pleasures.

This is TK — former interior designer turned food tour guide, enthusiastic gamer, meditation mentor for young kids, and friendly guy around town. He knows everybody and took me to the secret spots that I would never have visited on my own. His English was superb and we laughed a lot! He also offers tours around the countryside near KL. If I return to Malaysia I will be calling him and asking him to take me to the fireflies, rivers, caves, elephants and plankton.

These lanterns win the award for most inspiring thing I saw in Kuala Lumpur. They stuck in my mind, filled up my phone gallery and squeezed their way out of paint tubes onto my canvases day after day. I love how the light behind them illuminates and makes the red shine! Gold tassels hang from them. They scream CHINA TOWN!!!! Happy and blowing in the breeze.

FOOD I TASTED in China Town, on Petaling Street in Kuala Lumpur:

1. Sticky sweet rice steamed in bamboo

2. Chinese pancake; peanut and coconut with flirting kantonese James Bond; stall 60 years old, bicycle from World War Two

3. Sushi cut spring roll, shrimp and turnip

4. Fresh soy milk

5. Asam Lusak; spicy soup, hidden with no shop name or sign, tourist walk by

6. Coffee and tea with toast & steamed bread with butter and sweet green sauce

Fresh soy milk — I’ve never had it fresh before. Only out of boxes. Magical sweet flavor alive in the mouth. I went back for more the next day!!

Secret (world famous) curry laksa. Featured on Lonely Planet, no sign or name for this place. Just a humble cart with a big pot of boiling red liquid, fish cooking in it, all sorts of vegetables and pineapple. Top it off with a dark liquid made of squid heads and we’re good to go! Actually delicious though. Tourists walked right past it…no idea. We laughed.

So much color here!! I’m in artist eye candy heaven!! And I’m eating a traditional/ typical Malaysian breakfast — steamed bread with butter and something green sweet and sticky, perfectly boiled eggs and a beverage that’s half coffee and half tea! Almost tastes like chocolate!

I actually really enjoy being in an apartment in the city; the view is inspiring me. The food tours are inspiring me. I love how meditation is integral to life for many people here. I love editing videos on my phone as I travel around. It’s fun, especially creating the music videos. It feels good to be in the city where the world is at work, busier! I hope to have a week of focused business productivity in this city vibe….sprinkled with a little food fun in the evenings!

And the art I created today….

Love & Full Bellies :)

Cha Wilde

FOLLOW IN MY FOOTSTEPS

AirBnb Experience: The Private Ten Tastings of Kuala Lumpur

Deep Thoughts on Route to Kuala Lumpur

Do I have time to go sit in a coffee shop? Better to stay in the hotel room and jump rope, meditate and double check my bags. I don’t want to cut it close as I fly to Malaysia. The hippie spiritual parts of me are sad to leave Bali and cautious to step out into the chaotic world. Bali is a safe haven full of gentle warm smiles and I feel at home here now. This airplane is taking me to a foreign country where the laws are strict, my freedom feels she must hide, and on back in the edge of not knowing how I might be offending someone. This is out of the comfort zone. I say this out loud to myself now. “I am outside my comfort zone,” and whatever discomfort minor or grand that I feel in my body softens and trust trickles in.

Am I ridiculous and irresponsible? Maybe. Or maybe my intuition is so fucking powerful I can’t help but obey. My driver is nervous. He is afraid I’ll miss my flight and I feel the nerves in my belly as well. Is this what coffee addiction looks like? I’ll make a driver turn the car around and add twenty or thirty minutes to an already-cutting-it-tight flight so I can place an order at Birama Coffee. It was in my guidebook. I was curious. I needed to eat something before traveling. A croissant or bread will do. A coffee for the drive will be nice. Shit show success. One sad croissant in the cabinet display. No alternative milks. So I took the sad croissant and ordered a simple double espresso and feeling the rush of my driver and seriously nervous I’m about to miss my flight I took some deep breaths and then this woman walked in. “Is there anywhere around here where I can find a coffee and some peace and quiet?!” She was joking and clearly exasperated. As my coffee poured slowly into a papery cup, she poured out her frustration into my ears. She’s travel from Canada to Bali for peace and quiet and has had nothing but noise, chaos and ugliness! How horrible! I remember how overwhelmed and negative I felt arriving in Ubud. I had expectations of spirituality bliss and I found traffic! “Hand me your phone.” I typed into her notes the spots around Ubud were I had found that peace and quiet. Top of the list was Keliki Coffee, Yellow Flower Cafe and Twilight Huts on Nusa Ceningan. I told her to go there before totally giving up hope on Bali. I grabbed my esspreslow coffee and jumped into the GoCar, fingers crossed I’ll make my flight. I comfort myself in believing that this detour may have brought peace to another human and as long as I can keep peace inside myself as I move quickly to the airport, it was worth it. Or maybe I didn’t go to give her peace. Maybe I went to realize how much peace I have.

I pull down my mask and smile at the airport lady holding my passport. My bags slide forward through the xray machine and I reach back to scratch a bug bite on my leg. My hand feels my leg through the cotton fabric of my gray jumpsuit. My leg feels different. The shape is wider, rounded, a little lumpier and softer than I’m used to. Normally, I reach my hand back and feel firm muscle, square shapes and a clear distinction between hamstring and glute. Two months break from daily workouts and my tissues are softening. I see cellulite in the mirror lumps and bumps where smooth clean curves usually are. Scary to realize how much self worth has gotten tangled in my muscles and BMI. My body looks at me and asks, “do you still love me like this?”

My journey is leading me to saying, “yes” and I feel peace knowing I am always changing. I’ve seen myself go through phases. I gained weight in Italy and Hawaii. I lose it easily in Seattle with smoothies, a meal plan and daily lifting. I lost muscle mass in Bali and picked up some fat. I didn’t need the muscle for my Bali activities. I was walking, stretching, meditating, writing and scrolling on my phone. My smart body decided I needed to store up some fat. Food was comforting the lonely parts of me, the parts of me who didn’t know how else to care for myself, the parts of me who felt confused about what diet to eat as my emotions raged and my digestive system exploded. Food is life. Water is life. Air is life. Sleep is life. The routine I crafted in Seattle sculpted my body into a fitness focused machine. Fitness was almost a coping mechanism as I struggled to regulate emotions; the living circumstances were constantly triggering PTSD. My Oura ring reports were a statistic rollercoaster. The stats balanced in Bali.  My sleep health has returned! No more nightmares, anxiety, tossing and turning, morning fatigue, confusion of where to sleep each night, depression awaking in the grim city. Sleep health is back! Space to myself and moving at my own pace has brought in emotional stability. I’ve watched my protective manager parts take turns trying to comfort the lonely scared or stressed exiled parts of me. What a show! So predictable and I feel compassion for my parts as they figure out how to live together. With emotions stabilizing and good nights of sleep, I’m excited to step back into balance of fitness and nutrition. How will my body change next? What will I learn to love? What will I learn to change?

“Oh, madamn would like Indian food? This restaurant you go to is not good. Very expensive and not good food. Madamn would like good Indian food. I take you to Little Indian. Give me your phone and I record voice for you. You play for man at food counter and he give you the good Indian food. Little India is much better. You walk around and call me after you eat and I pick you up and take you back to your hotel. Madamn will like this Indian food much better.” — my Grab driver who drives everyday and dreams of sending his three year old daughter to International school one day.

“Where are you from, if I may ask?” “America. Do you know Seattle?”

“I do. And what brings you here?”

“I’m just adventuring.”

His handsome Indian face smiles, “After a long time, ya?”

I smile, “Ya.”

My heart feels warm here with the spices on my tongue. This different world is so familiar. Everywhere I go I never want to live. Through my parents I tasted the world beyond my childhood. Now I understand who they are as I see glimpses of the world that shaped them. Just as my children would be touched by yoga, I have been touched by their time in Southeast Asia. Although I travel here with myself now for the first time, very little is new to me. I feel more at home here than I do in most places in America. I inherited blood that lives to travel, to always be in new places, smiling my way through each day of fresh discovery. What magical new wonder will lift my spirit today? They did this to me. I cannot escape genetics as I grow into my parents and beyond. I feel the expanding human spirit ripping forward in my chest. Heartbroken at the inevitable death we face and alive with the hope that we live for some reason. I don’t know what it is and I can feel it. I feel it when I drop below the surface and feel the web of interconnected life. Life itself wants to live. Life, consciously and unconsciously, lives through us, not just in us but before, during and after us. Life is on a journey forward through time outside of our imagination. Life goes on and on and here we are right in the middle of it. No wonder I tingle with sickness and purpose when I attune to this inescapable reality. I am just life living and as the observer, I sit back and watch it find its way. What else is there to do? It’s tragic and beautiful.

Am I a Tantrika, realizing her role in this world just as one day long ago I realized “I am a yogi.”? I’m getting more specific now. This is indeed how I’ve been living all along. How fun to have a name to call this way I be!

Love & Rainbows, Cha Wilde

Last Day in Local Ubud with Soma

Last day in Bali! Breakfast at Suka Espresso. Finally eating fun food again! Spent the morning preparing blog posts; wrapping up this chapter in Bali.

Post office to send gifts and paintings to store at mom’s house. Hundreds of dollars to ship and save the weight on my shoulders.

After lunch at the Avocado Warung — the avocado is the burger bun! I love eating in this hidden gem, casually gazing out the window at a Balinese temple. Simple yet epic view for a simple yet deliciously grounding meal.

I walked down local streets and stood there for minutes witnessing rice farmers in their field. Jaw dropped and mesmerized. This is where the rice comes from! Woah.

Elephants sing welcome at the village temple entrance. I think of my mom; she loves elephants. I think of her a lot on this trip.

Magically wandered in a hidden-gem artist shop for new paint and canvas; shopping beside the local Indonesian painters. I actually don’t feel like painting right now but I have a hunch that I’ll want these paints in my bag. When my heart wants to paint, I better be ready. It makes the bags heavier but too many days without painting makes my heart heavier.

All these little last minute preparation tasks before I travel to Malaysia tomorrow morning. Surreal and strangely difficult to leave, to unstick myself from this new comfort zone.

And from deep in the body I hear this message whispering to the mind:

“I want our communication to improve. It hurts my feelings a lot that I say something and don’t get the reaction I want. When I talk in deep mystical language it really upsets you and disrupts what we’re doing. I’m disappointed that I have trauma and my younger openness isn’t in the body. I’m closed. I’m changing. I’m scared of changing. You can share with me back. I’ll accept you. I’m feeling good trying new things. What if I change and you don’t like me as much anymore? If you don’t find me attractive or fun? I feel more confident and stable; no stress. I could benefit from Tantra. I like how I’m changing and I really want to share it with you. I really want to offer myself as I am. I want to hear about how you’re changing too. The more I feel you hold space for me, the more wild, expressive and adventurous I will be. It hurts me when I share so much and get little, no, or a flippant reply. I love you a lot and I want us to have a good relationship and to be able to communicate.”

Love & Rainbows, Cha Wilde

Pretty Things from Ubud

I’ve got people in Ubud now. People in Bali are calling to say they’re going to miss me. “When are you coming back?” is a question I hear from two sides of the globe now.

I have to let go of control. Let go of control. Allow it to be. Focus my energy on the quality of my work.

I love shopping in Bali. It feels so good to trade money for beautiful products and see the boy on the shop keepers faces as they clap their hands together and feel it is their lucky day. They smack the bills on their products a few times as they wave goodbye.

I am changing and I’m afraid you won’t like me as much anymore, or maybe not at all. I know you love the bad girl and now I dress in floral. I know you love impulsive lust full sex and now I ask for gentle Tantra. I know you love meat and I’m ordering vegan now. I know you like to keep it light and duck in diving deeper. Oh well at least I like myself more now. I feel my own beauty now even if you don’t see it anymore. Maybe whatever you were appreciating before wasn’t me or perhaps she really was and she has died or maybe she just grew up or I wonder if she’s hiding in here somewhere.

I’m still eating as much bread as possible. My digestive system has been suffering for over a week and I’ve been living off bread, banana, poached egg, rice, occasional cacao, fruit juice. Body doesn’t feel good. It’s bloating and gathering fat. I’m dreaming of returning to vegetables soon. Toasted ciabatta with butter is my delight; a rare treat for the tastebuds.

November is my birthday month. Can each day include a special adventure? Yesterday was a sunrise jeep ride to the top of Mt. Batur. Today, is the shopping adventure, collecting floral fabrics, wooden bowls, dream catchers and pineapple rings…pretty things from Ubud.

Love & Pretty Rainbows, Cha

Mt Batur Sunrise Adventure

Darkness and almost-morning light on the horizon, headlights flash on jungle leaves, tires spin in dirt potholes, Wayan (my guide) tells me stories of his childhood runs up this mountain, selling “Coke-a-Cola” to hiking tourists. Almost every day of his life he has climbed this volcano by foot or by Jeep. Today, I’m his guest, my body flying up out of the passenger seat every few moments. I feel like I’m on the Indiana Jones adventure ride at Disney World. It’s surreal to realize this is the real deal. This is the Indian Jones adventure… not a ride…an actual road taking me to an actual destination. What fun! I can’t believe Wayan does this on the daily!

4am - I’m in the backseat of a car headed to Mt. Batur. 5am I’m in the front seat of a vintage 1980’s Jeep, bouncing to the summit of this volcano. It’s worth the early wake up. As Wayan parks the Jeep in the dirt, I climb out the back and the morning light is here!

Hundreds of humans wait on the hill of Mt. Batur, watching the light of day arrive slowly in pink and yellow. Multiple volcanoes on this island, all of them islands in the morning mist.

My feet dangle off the roof of the green Jeep and I sip hot Bali tea. Wayan brings me a breakfast tray; a boiled banana between two slices of white bread, a chocolate candy bar, a sulak aka snake skin fruit, and an orange. Perfect. It has me smiling. Wayan stands nearby taking pictures of me and eating his own local breakfast… it looks like a rice omelette on a banana leaf. He points to his stomach and says, “This is local breakfast. You don’t eat. It make you sick.” Honestly, I think I’m more likely to get sick from this processed white bread and a chocolate candy bar. Still, it’s all perfect.

Let’s be a tourist for a one time and pose for some wild pictures. I show off yoga poses, pretend to meditate and laugh with Wayan who clearly knows how to take pictures for his Instagram obsessed adventure guests. Haha!

I feel close to my parents up here. They love the mountains, the sunrise, the adventures, the local people, the memories in special places like this. These are the same trees my mom looked out at decades ago. She was here. Now I am here. Magic.

I hear the stories in my head, the stories of my childhood, the stories of my parents’ adventures in South East Asia. A jungle snake falls on dad’s shoulder in the jungle of Borneo. My mom jumps on the back of a scooter to escape a street full of cobras slithering out at warm twilight. The trees, the layers of green hues makes me feel my parents’ memories. My dad would love this view. Look at the textures of green! Look at the history in the rock!

We bounce down the mountain. Farmers are up with the day, spraying water on their crops. A little boy stand in the rice playing on a game boy. The green is vibrant! The earth is alive with nutrients here! Food!

These people live in the trees, right on the dirt, beside their plants, beneath the mountain. These mountain farmers are in a different world from the beach surfers and jungle yogis. These are the people I feel most familiar with I suppose. I grew up near farms and mountains. The beach, city and spiritual retreats have always been my wild adventure away from the beginning of my life. The mountain garden is the spirit in my roots.

Kids are going to school! I forgot school existed and seeing these mountain school buses, aka scooters, makes me shake my head in amusement and wonder. Three kids on a scooter, backpacks and little uniforms. What will they learn today? I’m learning with them today. Every time we turn a corner, we pass a gathering of school-bound scooters and pop-up markets, vegetables trading hands, mini bonfires for morning snacks. These mountain roads are a busy hive of rural human activity.

The village is behind us and now, sharp chunks of volcanic rock as far as the eyes can see in all directions. I hop off the hood of the jeep and walk deep into the lava dunes. I find a quiet spot and look around to make sure no one can see me. I’m shy and determined to film a music video here. This landscape is epic! I need epic! I feel tension to hide myself and I know this feeling. I must break free by letting go, letting myself go there, letting myself release the tension and melt into playful soft music and dance. Just enjoy the movement of the feeling leaving the body. Deep breath, look around, press record.

I play my new song on the iPhone and record myself singing and dancing along with the GoPro camera. Multi-tasking creative extravaganza in the lava field!!

I drop into flow state for a few minutes. Bliss. Experiencing my songs, feeling them out here, enjoying bringing them into the world, no stiffness in the body, just pleasure in flow. If you watch my music video and it feels good to watch, is it because you can see the freedom I feel? Am I showing you freedom in my music videos? or maybe just the journey towards freedom?

When my own creativity meets creation, this is my flow of happiness.
To create music videos, performing freely and playfully, in beautiful scenery… this is a joy! Pure joy as I allow art to flow through without holding back. I can feel the slightest holding back in my body. It hurts to hold back. My only options are hold back or let go. Which feels better? To let go, I first push which is also painful but the release follows. When holding back, it only gets tighter. So I push and it’s uncomfortable and then I’m free and it feels amazing. Smiles blossom with laughter.

After the lava field, I went to hot springs, a coffee plantation and a jungle top restaurant. Memories made. Music video on the way! First day of my birthday month…full of adventure! :)

Love and Sunrises, Cha Wilde

FOLLOW IN MY FOOTSTEPS

AirBnb Experience: Mt Batur Sunrise Jeep Adventure with Wayan

From Zest Cafe in Ubud, Bali

The Lifestyle Inviting Me In

1. Big comfy bed, mosquito net

2. Window view from bed unblocked by plants, far away as possible

3. Pool for morning swim, soma is water

4. Gym weights for joint strength protection

5. Smiling happy people

6. Blue sky and sun

7. Warm soft breeze

8. Multiple climate/eco landscapes

9. Bath for feminine water meditation

I need to be entered very gently and gradually. Slow steady body rhythm.

Listening to Soma

Listening to heart song. Listening to my body when it says no. Listening to breath. Listening to intuition. Listening to soma. Listening to music. Listening to mom and husband. Listening and not listening to music. Listening to ocean. Listening to jungle bugs. Listening to the Serenity sound bath. Listening to the heart song. Listening to Pyramids of Chi. Listening to the breath with Wakuha. Listening to my body saying no. What happened to my voice? Reading “ Seven thousand ways of listening”. Listening to women’s stories. Listening to Carlos teach SOMA. Listening to Pao Pamika sing medicine songs. Listening to my own improvised made up language. Listening to the right flow of people to uncover what you’re ready to hear and process.

I eat bland diet to help my digestive system. It’s been upset tummy since returning to Ubud. I was so looking forward to delicious fancy vegan restaurants and the extravagant culinary inventions these hippies come up with. Instead, I’m thoroughly enjoying bread. A part of me is loving this. I rarely eat bread and my god is it tasty!

And SOMA says, “I just don’t want to be hurt anymore. I have so many wounds it makes it hard to “leave the house.”

Flower mandalas :) I pass by these passing expressions of beauty on the earth for us every day.

The memories may remain. The energetic charge around them can dissipate. Go beyond.

Through the challenges, find a little piece of gratitude. That’s the way through.

Deep inside of you there is a true. Can you trust in that truth?

You are a spiritual force.

The words you speak to yourself are the flower you place on the alter if the temple of You.

I am in love; being in this space is not easy and it is worth it a million times.

It’s a flow state and we’re all just swimming in it. As we play, the healing journey becomes a visionary journey.