The Last of the Paint in Remaining Thoughts

“Over the zone of my comfort
Under the surface I know
Out on my own in my own way
It’s good if it’s making me grow”

— new Cha Wilde lyrics on the way

Will you understand if I want to focus on songwriting, to improve as a musician, play with paint, dive into water and become mermaid? I want free flow of energy and space to create playfully. Energy and space to teach what I know. A part of me feels forced to share. She doesn’t want to. Parts feel fear of being sucked into old energy. There is so much tension in my body when I play music and when I paint I’m all loose playfulness. The music hits blockages the painting doesn’t. Musician part feels sidetracked by painting and writing and yoga parts who have grown the business. Need more focused flow time in music studio. Need to let go of dreams. So what do I let go of now? The important thing is to be in flowing beautiful positive energy. What feels most playful? Go there. That’s where god is hanging out waiting for you. Keep it simple. Natural pattern of expansion and contraction. Chaos and order. I am free to create.

A part of me feels forced to share. She doesn’t want to. Parts feel fear of being sucked into someone else’s energy. Suffering rises from prolonged indecision.

There is so much tension in my body when I play music, especially my jaw. When I paint I’m all loose playfulness. The music hits blockages the painting doesn’t.

Parts of me feel tension when I’m told I’m a life coach or going to be famous. I want to make art and be with people. I want to go with flow. Some of my parts don’t like other people barging in and telling me about my life and my future.

Love & Rainbows,
Cha Wilde

Painting with the Sunset

Welcome to a painting-filled hotel room at the Aochalong Villa Resort & Spa. The walls are orange, the pool is surrounded by trees swaying in a warm breeze, random pretty and silly statues are hiding around every corner of this beach side safe haven. Walk up the street through the palm tree fields and you’ll pop out onto a chaotic traffic buzzing road. Phuket is an island city vibe; constant traffic, honking, cars everywhere. It’s a relief to walk into the resort and hear nothing but birds. From the balcony I look across giant green leaves to the boats in the harbor and the giant Buddha on the hill. What a view to rest inside. Another week in Phuket has inspired many abstract sunset paintings. I painted the first batch on the pool deck by the beach during a YouTube livestream. The second batch were painted in the middle of the night on the balcony in semi-darkness. Waking the next morning to the surprise of which colors I used…always an artist delight. What did I create in the night, I wonder. I carefully drag the canvases inside so they can dry in the air conditioning. Pro-tip, in tropical climates the humidity outside prevents paintings from fully drying (quickly). Paint outside and bring them inside to dry within a day. The air conditioning is also drying out our human sinuses and throat so be mindful of the air you’re breathing. It’s better for the paintings inside and better for us outside. ;)

I’m living a dream when I pack these big bags. I look as if I’m heading to the airport. I’m actually calling a car to drive me across the island to Ao Yon Beach. Tonight I’m unrolling a giant canvas onto the soft creamy sand. The sun will set slowly as a photographer moves around me, capturing me as I paint at lightning speed. All the little paintings I’ve created at the hotel are my sketches and experiments, the prep-work for these bigger pieces. I have a loose idea of what I’m about to create…more deep blue oceans, rainbow florescent fire at the horizon and soft pink and grey in the sky. You’ve seen me playing with this on livestreams, on paper, and now it’s time for the big canvas moment. What’s the dream I’m living, you wonder? To be painting the beach sunset on the beach at sunset. For years, I was painting beachy sunsets indoors, in the garage, in the studio, in a tent in the forest, praying that one day I would be able to paint the sunsets I imagined as they appeared before my eyes in the actual sky. It’s a pain in the ass to haul all the art supplies around on my back, to juggle all the straps and canvas and guitar (yes the guitar came on the photo shoot painting adventure, of course). It’s also totally worth it. When I’m knee deep in warm sand, sand sprinkling into the paint, canvas edges blown over by the warm evening breeze, gold light sparkling in my eyes, and a cool ocean promises I can float around when I put down the final palette knife…yes this is worth it. This is the dream; to create sunsets while I enjoy sunsets, to participate in the creative energy of the universe as the universe enjoying the universe. I am not inside in a box daydreaming and wishing I were somewhere else. I am right where I want to be.

Ao Yan beach is for locals at the end of the day. It’s been two days since I went scuba diving, two days out of the mighty ocean, two strange days on land. As usual, my feet touch the sand and step into the washing waves and voila, I feel the grounding healing power travel up from my soles to my soul. This quiet beautiful bay is a medicinal retreat from the chaos I’ve been feeling on the roads of Phuket. I asked the driver to stop by 7 Eleven on the trip to this beach so I could buy water, raisins and some chocolate. I’m wondering why I decided to snack on raisins before a photo shoot. Raisins cause bloating and I would rather not be swollen like a balloon before playing bikini dress up for the camera. Oh well. I’ve noticed I make slightly strange decisions like this when the sweat is rolling down my skin, the internet isn’t picking up on my devices, the money in my pocket is low, my debit card has gone missing, the taxi drivers aren’t understanding where to pick me up, the taxi windows are tinted dark so I feel no warm sunlight or breeze on my skin as we commute for an hour in traffic. All these little irritations build up until I feel slightly delirious and almost cursing the decision to show up and do a photo shoot. I was not in the mood in the hours leading up to the photo session. Of course, the moment the camera was picked up, all the stress melted and I dropped into happy flow state. For a couple hours, I was rolling in sand, legs in the water, paintbrushes flying around furiously with passion, laughing, making silly faces as my paint covered fingers left patterns on my arm (yes, we did body painting), and the gorgeous sunset lit me up with gratitude. All the uncomfortable feelings drain away when I turn my attention to the simple pleasures of creation.

I feel full circle these days. The paintings I’m creating now aren’t too drastically different to the paintings I was making back home. They feel more evolved, deeper, richer, more wilde and more intentional at the same time. I’m still obsessed with painting rainbows and sunsets and now I suppose the paintings I’m making feel more alive to me because they are coming from my eyes instead of my imagination. I’m painting what I’m seeing before me each day. I’m painting the world that I’m living in, verses the world I wish I were in. The energy in that is completely different. My paintings feel less like fantasy and more like abstracted reality. They used to be my escape and now they are my call and response to the living universe, real, very real, in this moment. Instead of painting fantasies, I’m painting memories; memories I’m still living inside because they’re being created with every brushstroke.

These are the photos taken quickly on my iPhone. The professional photos will be delivered to me within the next couple weeks and I will share those on a separate blog post.

The drive home is always in the dark. I leave the beach at twilight and I sit in the backseat of the car and watch the world of scooters zoom by. Kids, dogs, baskets, barefoot old men, teenagers multitasking on their phones…the crazy sights are never ending. The streets are ripe with dangerous and fascinating situations. I feel most drawn to noticing the little kids who ride on the scooter, balancing between parents’ legs and dogs with their feet balanced on handlebars. I still love the carefree liberation of it all.

Love & Rainbows,
Cha Wilde

Exotic Treasures for My Beloved

All life is, is the universe living one dream after the other.

I saved the revered Tu Kab Khao thai restaurant in downtown Old Phuket for the celebration meal. Certificate in hand, I’m an advanced open water diver and I would like to eat some pumpkin curry, green mango salad and pad Thai pretty please. Oh, and a fresh young coconut to refresh the liquids in my body and a spoon to scrape out the meat for dessert!

I wandered the streets of Old Phuket for a few minutes. Morning matcha from Ryn and lunch from Tu Kab Khao mixing around in my belly, feeling a little dehydrated. It’s more challenging than I expected to stay full of water in Thailand. The two water bottles they set out for me in the hotel room each day are drunk in minutes and I’m constantly on the hunt for more. Do I seriously drink that much more than all the other humans? Am I the only one around here thirsty af? Lol I wander down the street, headed towards a pharmacy and then a little butterfly drew me into a deep dark shop. Two Thai ladies follow me around as I collect a little statue of a sea turtle, a sleeping cat, a mint green sarong, a pink artsy funky fashionable carry bag big enough to hold all my goodies and laptop when I travel by airplane. My eyes fall on a few treasures. My heart immediately desires to spend whatever the cost so I may send or carry these precious items home as gifts to the ones I love. Gift giving is a pleasure I feel deep in my torso, fluttering in my chest as I imagine the touch of love I can place on my beloved’s heart with a thoughtful something. “Here,” I imagine saying, “I traveled to the other side of the Earth and I have brought this home for you to enjoy. I could not have been further from you and yet I have never felt closer. I could not resist nor did I want to resist the urge I felt to pick up this beautiful treasure and bring it to your hands for your pleasure. Here my love, an exotic delight.”

“Only little things for yourself and big gift for him. That means something. That means he good man.” — said the shopkeeper.

love & rainbows,

Cha Wilde

At Home in the Ocean - Yoga and Scuba Diving in Phuket, Thailand

I wrote my way to where I wanted to be.

In my bliss there are no words.

My vocabulary of sensations expands with my peace. Peace is mine. Joy is mine. Space is mine.

Nothing else is mine. Even the breath isn’t mine; I always have to give it back. What I am left with at the end of the exhale, that is mine. What I am left with after my final exhale, that is mine.

I love peeing in the ocean water, feeling warmth around my legs in the cool environment, a deep feeling of relaxation as my body releases what it needs to release. The lungs I breath feel subtle movement of air, the volume and speed of gas entering and exiting through the mouth with every breath. I’m adjusting my buoyancy with my breath. My breath controls everything; whether I sink, float, rise, turn. I’ve trained for this underwater world for over a decade on the yoga mat. Of course I love it. I get to be in flow, in a world where breathing is the most important rule, the main thing I focus on. Scuba diving is perfectly aligned with my yoga practice; every breath to match and control every movement. What I practice on the yoga mat is alive underwater because with the surface far above me, attention to breath is now life or death. If I forget to breath, I die. On the yoga mat, if I forget to breath, my mind wanders and I catch myself over and over. I see how easily I wander away from the breath. Underwater, there is no more space for wandering, it is all alive in real life, edge of death importance now, breath is everything like it has never been before. Of course I love diving; I get to meditate in pranayama as I flow within the mighty power of the ocean. The mat is a place to flow on land the way I can when I am diving in water. Yoga off the mat and into the water.

Because I went scuba diving with Aussie divers, I am now very well trained in my fundamentals, I feel a bond with this team of instructors, and confident and excited to explore diving in other parts of the world. Because I did this, I discovered that I am naturally talented as a diver it seems. I also serendipitously met a videographer who is excited to shoot me and make surfing music videos with me and travel with me to Raja Ampat to film a documentary for Arno and film me as we travel — beautiful yoga videos on boats and beaches, and mermaid videos in the surf and scuba! Wtf!?!

Serendipity. My favorite instructor gets randomly assigned to my last day of training at the last minute. There’s a music videographer who has been praying to meet someone like me for a long time, just like I’ve been praying to meet him. I meet a hot guy on the boat. His name is Landon. 😍

I’m really not that concerned about what I see. I’m just happy to be in the water, to feel the water on my skin soft and cool, to feel my body pulled along by current and to be a part of something greater, submerged in mama ocean, back home where I started. To be in a womb again. This is why I love diving immediately. Everyone keeps asking me if I saw a turtle or a shark as if these are the main events. Yes, I saw them. Yes, they’re magical. Yes, I’m there for something so much more than just one creature, more than eye spy fish games, more than taking pictures. I’m there for so much less and less is more. I’m there to be fully submerged in water, breathing in water, present in water, playing in water. Everything else is decorative and delightful. Everything else is extra on top of what is enough. The ocean herself is enough. Everything she contains are new friends I get to meet. The ocean herself though is what called me. She called me and now here I am, floating in her arms. Did I see a turtle? The questions they ask open my eyes to the mindset of everyone they’re used to encountering. I suppose once again, they’ve probably never met someone like me. Everywhere I go is the same. No one has ever met anyone like me; a girl who dove into the ocean because she wanted to go home.

Love & Rainbows, Cha Wilde

Painting with the Sun as Creativity is Refreshed by Routine in Phuket, Thailand

Two weeks at the Hilltop Wellness Resort for myself to spread out in a space that feels like a home, a little studio, a luxurious container for my daily routine to get it’s claws back into me. On my discover scuba diving adventure, I bubbled up to the surface with clarity. I would spend a month in Phuket quitting coffee, returning to a strong fitness focused lifestyle, and writing. I rolled up the steep hill with too-heavy bags, a returning desire to paint sunsets, determination, a big smile to settle down for a moment after so many backpacking hotel switches and frustrating internet situations. I was giddy to walk into this temporary ‘home space’. I would pretend this was a condo I lived in full time, long time, like a year or longer. How would I behave with this condition?

For starters, I’d hang my clothes in the closet. I’d get all the ingredients I need for my post-workout protein shake. I’d designate one part of the house for me-time (sleeping, stretching, reading, writing, resting, dancing, therapy calls, singing lessons, meditation). I’d designate another part of the house for artwork and performance, for business (livestreams, videos, music production, painting, photo shoots, phone calls). This division served me beautifully. I’m very Pavlovian. I walk into the bedroom and instantly relax. I walk into the living room and instantly reach for paint brushes, ready with fresh focused inspiration. With all my daily need fully met at this elegant resort, I was able to turn my buzzing energy, the memories of the sunsets in Krabi and Koh Lanta, into new paintings. I began a new collection; the florescent rainbow sunsets of Thailand. Bring on the deep blue ocean, fire on the horizon and a the pastel skies!

I took a break from daily livestreams on YouTube. I loved that daily challenge and connection with the wider human world. It was also draining my energy and I was hesitant and well-rewarded to step back into my own bubble. I checked off the internet and checked into my body. I decided to only livestream when I was bubbling over with performance energy, enthusiasm to teach and share the process. The rest of the time, all the moments in between, were just for me. One of my favorite moments was when I did press “Go Live” and the rainstorm fell from the sky. I dragged the canvas out onto the balcony and painted a sunset in 8min with an online audience cheering me on. The big raindrops left indents in the paint. This moment still fills me we joy. It’s a very pure moment of creation for me because I feel like a little kid playing in the sprinklers. I love creating in collaboration with the rain, allowing it to affect what I’ve done, embracing the change out of my control. To be in teamwork with the elements, the Earth, the universe, the gods is satisfaction beyond any work I do alone.

Sipping jasmine tea with the sunrise. I grew up with the sunrise. I discovered the sunset when I was 24. I celebrated my 25th birthday in Maui, licking ice cream on Sugar Beach, sitting on a log alone with my mom’s voice on the other end of the phone, watching a red pink sunset. Maui gave me love of sunsets. My childhood home gave me love of sunrises. My mother is a sunrise woman. I’m learning how to be both. I dream of living on top of a hill so I may watch both everyday. If I need to choose, I would choose a house that faces the sunrise so I may wake up enjoying the first light of day as my wake up call, so I may wake up gently in the light, drinking, stretching, painting awake. Once the sunrise draws me into living and I’ve flowed through the sacred morning routine, I am free to scamper off into the world of humans to engage, perform, teach and show what is channeling through me. And the end of the day? Well, you can find me on a beach at sunset. Sunset is to be enjoyed out there in nature. I love to run to the edge of the land to wave goodbye, goodnight, to my beloved sun. Wake me up in the morning!

The satisfaction of sunlight illuminating the colors on the canvas. Hello, color!! Now THAT is what you look like in all your majesty. A light shining on the artwork brings out the subtle shades, hues and textures. The sunlight has a special quality that makes the paintings sparkle with magic. What light has more magic than the sun? The light of the sun floods in and touches the light I’ve painted in pigments. I paint the sun. I paint the sunsets and now I begin painting sunrises. How does the sun feel when it sees the suns I’ve painted? Does it recognize itself with love? Oh, this human has painted me! What a beautiful way to worship! She plays with colors just like me. I love to paint sunsets in the clouds every night, just like she does. Oh, she’s copying my work? I’m flattered.

Love & Rainbows,
Cha Wilde

Painting In Colorful Old Town Phuket

I need freedom and space as I envelope my children, my creations, in magical love with intentionality, compassion and open communication. I cherish the listening space of the quiet mother. I am evolving as an artist. What am I creating now? What am I contributing? I play with paint for the sake of playing with paint. I sing from my heart for the sake of singing. Perfectionism is just a line-backer blocking my way. Why do I go forward through it? It’s all connected. Why am I given all these ideas? Why do I share so much? Why not just stay in my own world, enjoying my own company? I’m so curious. This world and that world, everywhere is my world. Nothing is mine and so am I.

I keep choosing the most relaxing options. It is not the way forward to be most productive. It is the way forward to be most relaxed. Ironically, most relaxed leads to most productive. Less is more.

When I feel overwhelmed, I slow down. Where am I really needed in this moment? I wander colorful streets in scorching tropical sun and let the burdens I’ve been carrying drip away with the sweat on my spine. Energy is available to connect with people, to reflect. Faith in my way led by the body. faith to follow what feels good.

I know how I want to be loved. My body feels what it likes and it deserves to be loved as it loves to be loved. I give my body all the attention I have and watch it blossom like the pink flowers of old Phuket.

What work is worthy? Do the work that is most worthy of the only time I have. I want to create something beautiful, substantial. I want to taste the satisfaction of completing projects. The finish line is the sweet fragrance of rosella tea and raspberry truffle melting on my tongue as I sit in Dru-Brew producing music, a new song almost birthed! A medicine song! I’m chanting with the sounds of Ubud, Bali! This is the first song I’ve produced on this traveling journey. Hearing myself sounding new is opening doors in my heart.

Santa is coming. It’s 82 degrees outside.

Friends tell me it’s snowing. As far as I’m aware, it’s always summer now.

Love yourself well. Keep your heart warm and open. Your smile matters. Love & Rainbows, Cha Wilde

Shelf Days in Krabi at Sunn Coffee Bar

Some days are “shelf days”, says my mother. There are days for great adventure (like yesterday when I went scuba diving for the first time) and other days are for errands, processing and resting. Today in Aonang, Thailand is a shelf day. I play in the pool, pack up souvenirs and paintings and drop them off at the post-office. “Please send this box to my mother in America,” I pray it arrives safely.

I spend my morning at Sunn Coffee Bar with my friend Lek. Lek is a Thai man originally from Bangkok who lived in Seattle for a few years as a teenager / young man. I found his hidden gem coffee shop at the very back end of an alleyway, just down from Aonang Beach. Finally!!! This is the best coffee I’ve tasted on my journey. It’s the service and love he pours into it. His coffee making machinery is old school manual measurements and loud steaming screaming machines that adds to this charming industrial vibe experience. If you walk into Lek’s shop, you’ll find him sitting there watching a Korean TV show on his laptop or he’ll be smiling and pouring coffee for whoever just walked in the door. After my first visit he knew my name and my favorite drink order. He opened a tab for me. He asked me each day about little details of my life I’d mentioned in passing the previous day. He understands the beauty of a simple life in a chill town, drinking good coffee. He opened his shop in the middle of COVID. He said he didn’t turn profit during that time (obviously, it was COVID and people told him it was crazy to open a shop)…he believed that humans needed a place to come to gather for a good coffee. That mission was enough of a reward for him.

Sleeping at the Krabi Tipa Resort means you get to be greeted by these playful elephants in the lobby. I don’t know if the towels were thrown on their head intentionally. Playing elephants is instant joy. They’re everywhere here.

My habits are merging with Rae’s habits. We’re such similar creatures. We’re starting our days with coffee and eating fresh mangos; juice dripping down our arms. A fresh dragonfruit is a cool breakfast. The mango is a perfect lunch. These superfruit superfood to keep us glowing healthy all day long until Thai dinner time! We start planning our dinner in the morning. We survive on fresh fruit and snacks all day long. Eating the mangos on the balcony with a soft breeze is a simple pleasure, deeply sensual, and now a staple part of my days.

From my journal:
”Scuba diving yesterday - wow, life changing moment. I came into deep clarity and resurfaced ready to take action. … I love playing in the pool. Krabi Tipa Resort is the best pool/view I’ve enjoyed so far. … I feel so clear that I want to be here in the water in Thailand, on the boats, diving, running the beach, swimming, painting, writing, practicing yoga. I feel peace of mind. Underwater I feel peace. I love the feeling of floating in water. The parrot fish is so beautiful, rainbow colors!

I’m sitting in this Sunn coffee shop with the guys and it’s so perfect. Hard to leave. Who will I meet in Phuket? Which way will I move forward as I write?

“It’s good to have positive energy; it carries you smoothly through the day,” said Lek.”

Love & Rainbows,
Cha Wilde

Seeing Clearly Underwater: My First Experience Scuba Diving in Thailand

Get close to the queen. Yes, please. Run away with a pirate. Even better.

There are some moments I wish would last forever; sitting on the bow of the boat, falling in love with a man of the sea, dancing beneath the desert stars high on life, youth, music and MDMA.

Scuba diving. Life changing moment. I came into deep Self energy and resurfaced with clarity, read to take confident action. Underwater I knew I had to transition the relationship with my girlfriend back into friendship. I knew I would be in Phuket for the coming months to learn how to scuba dive while writing. I knew I would be walking The Wonderland Trail around Mt. Rainier next summer, possibly with my great love. I knew my great love and I would be making songs together from opposite sides of the planet. Thank you modern technology!

I know clarity when I see through it. I want to be here on the water in Thailad, on the boats, diving, running on the beach in the morning, walking on the dark beach at night after a full dinner, swimming in pools with epic views of infinity, painting the colors of coral, recommitting myself each morning to the path of yoga, sitting in the dark shower before bed strumming guitar and singing in an improvised made up language the song of my heart.

Underwater I felt peace. I had anticipated peace would be floating around me in the clear water. I was surprised to find the peace was in my soul and the clarity was in my mind. I took one big step off the back of a boat and sunk into a new level of living.

Everything is okay. If my great love falls in love with another. It’s okay. If my heart is broken. It’s okay. If I feel jealousy. It’s okay. If we laugh through it. It’s okay. Crying. It’s okay. Whatever. It’s all okay. I am spacious enough to inhale all of it and with a deep bubbling exhale I know, it’s okay.

After scuba diving, I walked from one end of town to the other end of town. I let loose on a shopping spree, buying decorations for a house I do not have. Wrap it up tight in bubbles and I’ll send it home to mom. She’ll hold onto it until I’m ready to unpack them one day; the lantern, the dream-catcher, the little elephant statue and the tea set. I’ll forget about them before I see them again. What a surprise I’m giving to my future self!

I love befriending shopkeepers when their gratitude shines with their smiles and bows. “You made my day. Thank you so much for helping me,” he said. How amazing it feels to hand over money when it’s received with such deep appreciation!

Traveling has connected me with my parents. I feel them within me everyday. I wonder where they are on Earth today. Traveling, always traveling. I believe my dad is sailing to Antarctica right now as my mother is taking another exotic cooking class in America. I don’t know where you’ll find me in the future. Where will I live? I only know where I live right now.

From now on, I’d love to dive at least once a week. I would love to be on the big boat bouncing, carving through the waves. I would love to nurture the mermaid in me! I’ll play with colors and words as I sit on the shore, in between visits to the ocean.

I seem to dislike good things at first. I have fallen in love slowly with some parts of the universe while other parts have me falling in love quickly. I know the way forward is ease, playful joy, letting go, handing over and being present. It’s the same realization every time. I fall in love quickly with new places, new things, new people. At first though, I resist, and then…love.

Love & Rainbows,
Cha Wilde

Path to the Core - Klang Klang Beach, Koh Lanta

I wanted to be so much more. Maybe this is enough. A yellow butterfly and the sentence I write about the yellow butterfly. I love all the Muslim cats in Klang Klang Beach; fluffy on the porch, round paws in the sand, scruffy faces on the sidewalk, round eyes under the barstool, every color in the grass beside the tethered cows. The wide quiet roads on this island bake in the sun, scooters make obnoxiously loud engine noise, and roosters and birds chat in the trees.

Life revolves around yoga, reading, coffee and food. “What shall we have for dinner?” is the question that surfaced once we’ve answered the first question of the day, “Where shall we have coffee?” Twice I visited Lazy Bird Cafe on this two day weekend getaway. Cappuccino with cacao and almond milk please. One hour after that, an açaí smoothie bowl, please. Two hours after that, a quinoa salad or fresh coconut, please.

Rae and I pop into the roadside grocery store to fill our bags with dragon fruits, mangos, water bottles, local “Beng-Beng” chocolate waffer bars, beautiful dark roasted chasers, dried anchovies with sesame seeds, and dried braid beans. I snack in the shade, listening to an audio book about Somatic Descent. Rae snacks in the direct sun (she’s becoming a golden goddess) while reading a historical fiction war novel.

The grains of sand are enormous here, rich with shells. My feet sink into the wet moving beach earth. Waves wash over my feet again and again as the mind wanders. Life is so much more expanded after I’ve completed daily yoga practice and meditation. It’s cracked wide open like a fruit or a shell. I cracked the body open and now I can suck the juice out of life. What came up in my yoga practice this morning? — Spiritual practices are the path to the core. Walk the path everyday to keep it clear and familiar, quick and easy to navigate. Home is within. Know the way home. The yoga practice each morning, just after waking up, is a physical journey home, back into the body, into the core. After a night of sleep in faraway lands of fantasy, the asana reunited the mind with the body in this realm and the rest of the day is lived in harmony.

and this is where the mind wanders…

What is this uncertainty inside that pulls and distracts and tugs and bothers me and nags at the mind all day and in the dreams? What is the soul saying? What have I been too afraid to hear myself say, the deeper truth aching inside?

How can I say it when I don’t have total confidence in any outcome, when I suffer consequences in every direction, when my words will forever ripple pain through many families?

Discomfort in uncertainty melts away in the warmth of guitar chords played beside the pool in the afternoon sun. Water trickling down my skin, leopard print bikini now wet and one with me, gratitude shining softly for this instrument that heals me again. I forgot the power of acoustic music to sooth me back to wellness, to draw the wandering mind back into the body. Just be in vibration.

After three days and two nights at Pinky Bungalows on Klang Klang Beach on Koh Lanta, I lifted heavy bags and crawled into the backseats of a 4hr van ride with Rae. Tucked in with water bottles, pomegranate juice, broad beans and anchovies, Kindles balancing on our knees, jungle trees zooming green in the windows, and water for a moment as we crossed on a ferry, I reflected…

What did Koh Lanta teach you?

“She brought me back to my morning yoga practice with Brandon. She showed me the beauty of living with another human whose speed, rhythm, and interests align; the effortlessness of moving together from one place and activity to the next. She showed me the power of waking up in light to a beautiful view, close to the earth and all elements. She gave me the big grains of sand and the ocean sunsets that fill me with hot wonder. She took away the noise of busy streets and made the rooster crow for me again. For me, the rooster is a sign of peace, of being in a good place, a place close to the heart. She suggested I return to the yoga retreat in Portugal where this journey began. She nudged me to write handwritten letters again. She hugged me in warm salt water to give me a home and blew soft warm zephyrs all over my body to show me how much I am adored. She heard me laugh a lot. She surprised me with fluffy cats around every corner, knowing this would bring me joy. She gave me more opportunities to speak up for myself and made the day hot with sun when I said “no” aloud with shaky voice. She delivered a row of coconut oil with SPF to make me smile at memories and introduced me to lucky shells.”

Love and Rainbows,

Cha Wilde

Return to the Body, Yoga Practice • Koh Lanta, Thailand

Once again I step into my yoga practice and this is what turns up from the soul of my soul.

Oh, the urge to be defined! “I am this, I am that.” The recipe to the solution is wonderfully simple. “Yoga, Water, Vegetables, Sleep”. How interesting it is to feel clear commitment, to know to what I am unquestionably committed. “If there is tension in your body we will find it.” My body is at peace with its own rhythm. We can tell when we have left the body when we see mental visions and hear mental chatter, following the thoughts down their wandering, pondering, never ending paths. I feel a deep reminiscent longing to return to the present moment. My body remembers the perfect way I felt in the green fields of Somerset; England on a summer day, songbirds hiding in the grass.

Showing up to yoga is the hardest part. Showing up in every pose. Showing up the whole way through. Yoga poses are a seat for meditation. I sit myself in each posture, shapes my body knows intimately, and I feel the tension that has built inside my torso, around my heart and lungs.

Deeper, fuller breaths have become more difficult to draw and my pranayama practice has drifted off since beginning meditation training with the shaman. A shallow breath in the nose, counting the exhales, leaves my body numb and empty. I need to breath with my entire body, feeling the expansion and contraction ripples through every cell.

The numbness develops from months of half-assed and avoided practice. Aliveness returns quickly when my eyes lock into focus, committed drishti burns the fire of attention into my body parts. I begin with the toes. My right big toe is the first place to receive all my attention. With this simple intentional moment of connection, eyes to toe, I return to my practice, the prodigal daughter once again.

From a balcony and a beach in Koh Lanta, Thailand, I enter this body again. I’m called into it again, knowing this is the way forward, knowing this is the path I walk to the center. The practice in the morning awakens my senses so the sand feels grainier, the water feels silkier, the wind feels friendlier, my heart opens wider and my mind thinks few and kinder words.

I run from the practice from time to time, dropping excuses out of my pockets as I sprint away. As I walk back to myself, I bend over and pick up the excuses one by one, kissing them sweetly and returning them to the pocket or tossing them in the ditch if I really am done with them. The colors at the end of the day are more vibrant and pleasing to my smiling soul when vision has been cleaned by the breath and the tension has been released from the limbs. This is all I want; to be fully alive and deeply pleased by this beautiful moment.

Love & Rainbows,

Cha Wilde

Laughing Our Way to the Most Epic Sunset in Koh Lanta

I walk out of the palace, loaded up with heavy bags, ready for my trip with Rae to Koh Lanta. God, I hope there will be a TukTuk taxi available right now. I’ve had the worst luck with getting rides around Aonang. Turns out, everything works out for me perfectly. Just as I emerged from the palace driveway, a tuktuk driver beeps at me and I wave at her. She arrived serendipitously. I prayed for a TukTuk and there she was. I never see TukTuks on this road. Miracle!! Five minutes later, wind fresh in my hair, we’re laughing and taking selfies together. Her name is Cha. My name is Cha. Amazed. This is the first person I’ve met with my name. She drops me off at Sunn Coffee and as we wave goodbye she gives me her phone number so I can call her whenever I need a ride.

I have finally found my local, the spot where you can find me now for coffee each morning. This spot, Sunns Coffee, is home of the best coffee I’ve tasted in Thailand, brewed by a man from Bangkok who twenty years ago lived not 30min minutes from my childhood home. We may have passed each other on the Seattle streets two decades ago and now he pours me coffee in a hidden corner of Aonang, Thailand. This right here is coffee done right, coffee created with intention, a loud squeal of steamed milk, the beloved crema eager to kiss my lips and a deep smile and shallow bow as it is placed before me on a round wooden table. Coffee given from one human to another with ritual love. We may not know each other yet and the way he serves me coffee assured me we will know each other soon. We already understand something intimate and beautiful about one another. We begin our days with the same pretty passion and pause.

Lek is pouring coffee before the rest of the town wakes up. At 6:30am I’m walking into his shop. Rae and I are heading to Koh Lanta today and I’m picking up coffee for both of us. I’m going to surprise her. She thinks she won’t have coffee this morning because our van is leaving before the other coffee shops open. I order two flat whites (I know she likes this style of coffee) and carry them away in a to-go carrier. The van pulls up and she’s waving at me through the window. She loves me more as I hand her a surprise cup of caffeine. The guitar slide in between our legs. Our feet are on top of our bags. We’re stuffed in the van with a dozen strangers, all of us heading to a little island in Thailand for peace and quiet.

The van keeps stopping randomly. Is the driver getting a coffee? What’s he doing now? Rae and I are laughing the entire multi-hour journey. The attitude is extremely casual with no communication between driver and passengers. For all we know, the driver could be taking his kids to school on the way and stopping for a dentist appointment. We’re resigned to the journey, eating dried bananas in the squished seating. Normally, I’m quiet with headphones on in a public transport. This time, Rae and I are chatting and laughing and everyone can follow along with our banter if they choose to listen. It’s actually wonderful to have a friend to be obnoxiously loud with.

Someone on the bus laughed out loud when we told the driver we would like to be dropped off at “Pinky Bungalows". WTF is so funny about that? Does it sound girly or something? Haha we were still laughing as we checked in at the wonderfully cheap and cheerful Pink themed hotel. The Thai lady behind the desk was sassy and stylish. She closes her eyes, nods with her lips pursed saying, “You like Pinky Bungalows. You know Pinky is the best.”

We walk for five minutes through a dirt alleyway passing cats lounging in the shady doorsteps, our feet slipping into a muddy dirt road through a long grass field where grazing cows who are tied to the ground with a rope through their noses don’t bother looking up, beneath a grove of picture-perfect palm trees and we pop out onto the beach.

My feet sink into soft sand and colorful shells roll in the water. It’s always a homecoming when the soles of these feet kiss sand and the ocean runs up to greet them.

We walk until Rae feels drawn to a beach bar blasting reggae music. We order fresh coconuts. The music is a little intense for me. I usually pick quiet spots where I can listen to the ocean sounds, the birds, the breath in my nose. Other people rarely turn on the radio stations I listen to, the music that adds to my experience. Honestly, most of the time, I’m enduring other people’s music choices. I feel very particular. I sense the perfect song for each moment and I carry headphones with me always so I can pop into a magical bubble on demand. Sometimes, I challenge myself to relax into the vibe that another person has chosen. Sometimes I succeed and I blend in with the reggae, sometimes it just gets under my skin and eventually I walk away down the beach until I only hear waves and roosters. I’m so used to being on my own that little choices like where to sit on the beach have not been an issue until now. Suddenly, I’m traveling with a friend and we seem to gravitate to different soundscapes. How uncomfortable to compromise! What a learning curve to synchronize life movements to another human being, even one so aligned and similar to me as Rae! So I spend some moments with her and some off on my own. I’m learning the balance of solitude and companionship.

Oh, and of course on the way to the beach we stopped for snacks. The little corner grocery stores around here are so grungy and totally absent of Western policies. It’s so soul-delighting to browse the shelves for a chocolate bar and discover a cat relaxing with the cups of noodles.

Feet up, I lay there to welcome one of, if not the most epic sunsets I’ve ever seen in my life. The soft pastels puffed in the clouds until a dark blue dusk rolled in to cover the entire sky and ocean. The world was blue and the horizon was fire. I memorized this moment, this splendid vision, and felt full of inspiration to play with paint again.

Love & Rainbows,
Cha Wilde

Less is More in Krabi

I wake up in this morning and enjoy a deepening connection with this body. I explore this beautiful world on bare feet, twirling down the open air hallways of this king’s palace, walking through this exotic run-down beach town, digging these hands into nature with sand beneath these fingernails, laughing with another artist, storytelling through digital devices, repeating these words, “LESS IS MORE.”

What a challenge! How can I embrace less when there is so much more I’m excited to create and experience? I want more. I also want less. How will less be more this time around? I know it always is. It just takes me a few days to slow down enough to understand. If this challenge is excess, what does the solution feel like?

So what does Thailand offer me? A simple beach life so far. The beach gives so much space, perspective, a return to ease. She draws my attention outwards into the epic beauty of the world around me. My gaze pulls out of the naval and broken pieces of heart to see the sparkles and shadows on the horizon.

Bali feels more like home each day I am traveling away from her. WTF is happening with the rest of the world? It makes less sense to me than it used to. This soul felt more at peace in Bali, looking out through the eyes and seeing the landscape of earth and humans as I had dreamed it could be. Bali may be the world I would have created.

I still like the idea of writing a book and maybe many more beyond the first. I am starting to wonder if I am actually in the process already and it just looks different than what I’d imagined it would be like. It is so natural for me to write like this I don’t even realize I’m doing it. What did I want to write about before coming on this trip? Oh ya, my lovers. Perhaps the final chapter is about myself. I am my greatest and final lover. Am I experiencing more love with less partners?

In Bali, I focused on listening. I moved in my own energy and created wide open space. I watched myself try to fill it with many different vices, comforts and experiments. I created space and I expanded to fill it. If less is more now, what does all this space look and feel like when I fill it will less? Allow the space to be more spacious. What magic will move in when I make room for it? More magic, less wondering. More presence, less wandering. Step back, release what I’ve been doing, let go of what I thought would be, fully accept this invitation to participate in the world in a new way.

The day is spent walking miles, washing sweat and sand off the skin. I tried to paint and didn’t feel like it. Sometimes art feels terribly forced. I stop and walk. This neighborhood took a toll from COVID. Most stores are closed or barely open, hoping tourists will sit for a meal or buy a plastic floating unicorn. Locals run down the beach in the morning, feed their babies on a beach blanket when the tide is out, lounge on their mats for dinner picnics at sunset. If I walk a couple miles I hit the strip of tourists; drunk Europeans, Botoxed lips, loud Americans, lines of Asian girls strolling in pretty dresses with linked elbows and sun hats. Every souvenir shop is selling exactly what ever other souvenir shop is selling. I bought a new journal (pink, teal and orange silk)! A new pink bikini, white butterfly lace cover up blouse, a white crochet tie around top, a few silk scarves for friends in America, a new bottle of Shea Butter lotion, leave in conditioner (travel is rough on hair), and Listerine mouthwash. The highlight of today and yesterday and tomorrow is the morning coffee and ink, pouring onto tongue and paper. I appreciate the open space here to be quiet and feel so deeply. Why do I love to feel so deeply and swim in the ocean of emotions? I always have and probably always will now. Why does a whale swim? No choice in the matter I suppose. I’m realizing how much I am in love with every element I am. The water fills me with feelings and washes me playfully. The air cheers me up with every breath and warm caress. The earth pulls me down into something I can trust and I hold hands with the sand. And I wait for the fire to light up the sky and burn in my muscles as I run.

Lay me back in a beachside armchair and run my feet for an hour as I watch the sunset… I’m YES PLEASE. I’ll be back again tomorrow and the next day. This is the gem that was hiding from me, giggling with delight when I followed a butterfly and walked into a peak moment of life.

Food. More vegetables please. Hard to find fresh veg and green juice. Energy is low due to lack of fresh veg. Send help. Less fried food and sugar here than in Malaysia, thank all the gods. More rice and spicy flavors than I’m used to eating. Less variety between restaurants; like the souvenir shops, most restaurants are serving the same dishes. More eating out than I’ve ever done in my life. Less money spent on food than in America buying groceries. More meals eaten alone with myself. Less self consciousness about being alone than used to bother me. I don’t even notice I’m on my own anymore. I’m just excited to eat.

More deep thoughts extracted from my journal, a typical dinner conversation with myself:

Who am I doing all this for anyway? Myself? Posterity? Strangers around the world? My family? Maybe I need to let it be different, more old school. Maybe not everything I originally envisioned and wanted…maybe something better if I truly allow myself to be shaped by this journey…release control and let it shape me. Maybe this journey will teach me to take only one magical photo a day.. It will peel me away from perfectionism, editing and comfort blankets. Maybe it will pull me away from relationships that no longer nourish and fill the tanks of love.

Love and Quiet Rainbows,

Cha Wilde