Tomorrow morning, it begins. I’ll wake up in time for a Zoom call at 730am. The time zones will stretch across the planet so I can speak with Lindsay at the end of her day. She bought a new journal for the occasion which reminded me to do the same. I’m actually haven’t done the same yet though. I’m sitting at a cafe (one which I knew sold cute journals) and I’m waiting for my miso soup to slide onto this long wooden table. I’ll be editing my novel while I eat this bowl of tummy-lovin’ wonder (still nourishing myself back from almost a month of digestive unwellness). When the moment feels right, I’ll make the decision. Will I buy the wide but thin brown journal with cream white pages that says “The Journal” on the front cover or will I go for the narrow but fat tan journal with darker pages that says “Creation” on the front. Which one is the one for this journey I’m about to take. The journey has already begun though, hasn’t it?
It was September 2020 when I prepared for my very first Zoom call with Lindsay. I was curled up on rock bottom. She was the gorgeous writer I’d stalked on Instagram for a week after a mutual friend suggested I speak to her. I needed therapy. Shit had gotten too hard in life and I didn’t know what else to do. When I poured my tears into Lindsay’s lap she told me she had been in my shoes once and she would show me how to change those shoes. She promised to show me how to create a life of freedom. I needed freedom from the jealousy, overwhelm, doubt, insecurity, scattered passions, poverty, consequences of partying too much, crushing loneliness, resentment, and estrangement.
Our first meeting introduced me to Internal Family Systems therapy, we identified a young exiled part of me who needed to be cared for, a fierce protector part who wanted nothing to do with caring for children, and a nature loving parting of me who was willing enough to help out. My homework after the session was to sit at the piano with the child part and play a song together. See if the child wanted to express anything. Parts work resonated with me immediately. I had no hesitation to this style of inner work. I was all in. I was all in with Lindsay from the moment I first heard her voice. I was open for this giant healing experiment. How would I have known back then it wasn’t just going to heal me?
It’s not just a therapy method, it’s a whole lifestyle, a way of living that can really encompass anything we’re interested in applying it to. So I applied to to songwriting, music production, painting, dance, journaling, singing, which outfit to wear each day, what color I should paint the wall in the living room, which food I would select on a menu or which restaurant to go to, which earrings to buy, which flavor of ice cream to order, which friends to spend more time with, which style of business I should run, and where I should travel to next. Endless. Liberating. Playful.
I took it and ran, read every book, listened to every podcast, took an “IFS for Coaches” summer course, experimented on my consenting friends, drove my husband bonkers with my endless conversations (or monologues) about my parts, started speaking about parts openly on my social media channels, wrote songs and a novel about my parts with my parts. I took eight of my parts on a roadtrip to Los Angeles. As I discovered more parts, as they gradually revealed themselves to me, my inner circle expanded. I realized the most effective way for me to connect with my parts was to sit in ceremonial circle. I got this idea from the women’s circles I host. This whole time, I was on the waiting list to participate in an official IFS Level 1 training. I was so hungry to keep learning and I wanted the door unlocked. I wanted to be able to guide other people through this method. I wanted to help people with this knowledge I was gathering. How could I not? It worked. It worked better than anything else I’ve ever seen or tried.
Years go by. The waiting list doesn’t matter anymore. New rules. I’m not a therapist so no access to IFS training for me or any other non-therapist. Lindsay and I both blew a little steam out of our ears. Months later, I’m in Bali laying on my bed in the afternoon sunshine, feeling under the weather with a jungle parasite bug bringing me down. My phone dings and Lindsay’s voice fills the room with words that send chills into my bones. She’s taken matters into her own hands. She has created an coaching certification program. The container is designed to train someone in IFS so they can go deeper and help other people. She’s going to train people to be “Inner Freedom Guides” and carry on this work.
“I was thinking of you the entire time I was creating this. I believe in you so much. I know you’re a healer and with this information you’re going to change the world.“
I’d felt the rumbling in the weeks leading up to her invitation. I’d been sitting in a Goddess Gathering, twenty two women singing together in a living room, and I saw a mirage of myself sitting at the coffee table on a Zoom call in a coaching session. I was working with a woman. I was the coach. I liked the feeling but I pushed it away. I’d been feeling a shift in my energy available for performance. The camera rolls and my energy dips and my mind goes blank. Since when? Suddenly, all the energy is being directed towards 1:1 conversations with women. One of the women I’m enjoying speaking with grabs my shoulders and says, “You meant to be a relationship coach.” I say, “No. Not now. Busy doing art projects.” She says, “Eventually.” My gut had been squeezing when I thought of aging, pregnancy, weight gain, anything that might change my body and inhibit me from performing the way I do to earn my living. It was asking me for some more options. We’re appreciate a way to work that doesn’t entirely rely on us showing up and expelling huge amounts of energy dancing and entertaining. Perhaps, we could be a coach and earn money in a more energy conscious way. And so on and so on…the seeds were being planted in my days leading up to the invitation from Lindsay. So my response to her was a very quick and passionate FUCK YES!
We’ve been giggling for weeks in anticipation. Tomorrow, it begins.