I’d been in quarantine for two weeks. Little things were irritating me. Divorce was a serious possibility. Never making eye contact with my mom again for the rest of eternity was also highly likely. I was trying to record music and dogs were barking. I was trying to paint outside and mom was mowing the lawn; grass stuck to my canvas. I was starting to feel like a black hole, depressing looming, passive aggressive behavior creeping in. I was losing my shit.
I found a quiet corner of the house, opened the Pinterest app and escaped into daydreams of beautiful places I’d rather be. I stopped scrolling when I saw a photograph of a woman. She was standing in a field facing the sky, hair dangling down her back. I saw openness, freedom, and acceptance. I wanted to feel like that too. So, I sketched her. I drew black ink lines on white cardstock and filled the spaces with watercolor pencils. She was cute. Drawing was relaxing. I went to bed.
The next day, I wanted to feel connected to something good again. I found another woman on Pinterest and drew her too. After seven days of drawing, I had seven women in my hands, each one representing a feeling that had fluttered in me. I could see my internal experience of the week in this visual diary, I had illustrated my emotions, expressed my desires, dreamed a little. I was focusing my powerful mind on the feelings I wanted to bring into my life. It felt good so I kept drawing.
The night after my grandma died from COVID-19, I was up late, sitting in my dad’s big armchair, staring at one of my drawings; a little woman in a pink dress, kneeling on the ground. She seemed to be praying. She reminded me of Burning Man; beautiful women sitting in the dust, communing with the spirit of the playa. Oh, how I long for wilderness and expansive consciousness right now, freedom to roam and explore who I am in new place. As I thought about grandma and wandering in the spiritual desert, words poured into my journal. Sentences were bypassing my mind, going straight through my fingers. I read the message before I could think it. Where were these perfect words coming from? I don’t know, but they keep coming. When I show up, they show up. I draw a new woman and not long after, a paragraph of wisdom saunters into being to accompany her. I seem to be creating a deck of oracle cards.
As my project started growing, curiosity jumped on board. What if you compose a short piece of music for each drawing? Music transplants feels and transports consciousness. Wouldn’t it be beautiful if each little woman had her own soundtrack? Music would bring her to life and suck me deeper into her reality, closer to the feelings I’m longing for, manifesting that state of well being through sound. At this point, those mischievous sisters, creativity and curiosity, can get me to do almost anything. So, there I was at 5am, headphones on, dragging sounds across my laptop screen, candlelight, making music in my parent’s basement. I woke up early for the silence, a rare and precious element in quarantine. Now each woman had a song. I also spoke into the microphone, reading the wise words that had shown up on the page after each drawing.
Tucked in bed, I reached across the pile of drawings on my nightstand and grabbed my phone. Before falling asleep, I’m on my phone scrolling for friendship. We haven’t hugged in weeks. This is getting weird. What is everyone else doing? Another idea pops into my cabin feverish mind. What if I put the drawings on leggings and hoodies and sell them in my online shop? Let’s expand! From bed, on my phone, I design and screenshot my first batch of SHE IS WITH YOU clothing. I post them on Instagram and wait. Does my sketch artwork look awesome or too simple? Waiting… Little hearts pop up and somebody says, “Omg, yaaaass!!! I'm so ready for this🙌🏾 I need one asap, let me know when they're live 💕” This is exciting. Maybe people will really like this project and it will be popular and helpful! I’ll keep going.
I uploaded the drawings, words, music and clothing designs to my website. Hours went by as I edited a video of myself showing off the project, explaining my vision. Medicine for the soul! I nearly threw my computer out the window a few times when the internet was slow. I was racing to get this project out into the world. All my skills were weaving together and I felt so in tune with spirit, creativity lifting my wings into action. As I witnessed the project pieces falling into place with very little planning, just strokes of genius pushing me along, I started daydreaming about my inevitable fame, financial success, the sparkling lights of attention. I was in the midst of creating the next great project, a wildfire series of art that was about to travel the world and touch many lives. How delicious to be at the epicenter! Thank you quarantine for giving me such juicy raw material to work, this will be such a boost to my career! This is the idea I’ve been waiting for. My head was swelling as my stack of drawings thickened. Proud of the countless hours of work behind me, excited to officially launch the project on a Monday morning, I relaxed for a moment. Remind me to never again relax before a big launch. My racing mind screeched to a halt. Dread overtook my body. I grabbed my car keys and bolted.
For an hour, I drove around the valley, speeding away from panic. What was I thinking? ‘SHE IS WITH YOU’ is a dumb name, isn’t it? Will dad feel uncomfortable when he reads my newsletter tomorrow? He’ll be sitting there in his chair when he opens his email. I know he gets the Cha Wilde newsletters. I’m going to announce my project and then mom and dad are both going to know everything I’ve been thinking and feeling for the past few weeks —- the stuff I haven’t shared with them despite the fact we’ve been living in the same house for quarantine. Woah, this is vulnerable.
Do people really want to hear me reading my own writing? My best friends will appreciate it but they like everything I do. What about all those other people? Why would they listen? I’ve gotten way too caught up in this little project. I’ve taken it too seriously. I should just keep these drawings to myself. They aren’t high quality enough to make a deal about them online. I don’t have to release this project tomorrow. I can keep it to myself and delete the newsletter. This was just a fun creative doodling project. Everybody doodles and this isn’t anything special. I blew this up into a bigger project than it needed to be. Move on! Nobody look at me please. I felt sick to my stomach.
The next morning, I clicked “SEND”. It was done, out there in the world. Other people were looking at my drawings now, listening to my podcast and hearing my little songs. Messages came in. They loved it. They’re listening at night as they put their babies to sleep. They’re looking forward to the next piece. They’re grateful I’m doing this. They’re purchasing the clothing I’m designing and posting pictures of themselves wearing it on Instagram! It’s working! I think back. What if I hadn’t shared it? What if I had listened to the fear in the car with me?
Why didn’t I listen to fear this time? Why did I keep on schedule and share? I drove around the empty streets (quarantine has blessed us with no traffic!), and heard fear in the back seat, whispering in my ear, taking over my body and yet somehow I also remembered why I started the project. I recalled each step I had taken along the way and how each new idea, each piece of the project has felt on the day it revealed itself to me. When fear was screaming at me, all I was hearing was a horrible stressful static. When I tuned back in with the beautiful vision, I reconnected with the hope and potential I saw in this project. I remembered how curiosity had invited me to come play and this whole thing was a fun game I was excited to create and inspired to share. It was all for fun and the ideas were so good, they deserved my energy; weeks of digging deep, pushing myself to keep going, long hours on the computer to wrap it up. I had so much belief in this project that I handed myself over to it completely. Conscious of my precious time, I am no fool. With trust in myself, I decided it must be worth it. 24hrs of exhausted doubt is far outweighed by weeks of inspired creation. Touch that finish line!
Here is my lesson for today. The reason we start our projects is the reason we finish our projects. Accept the invitation to walk into it slowly and delight in what is reveal when you do not push or force anything into being. Your project is a vehicle for your next great joyride.
A couple weeks after releasing the project, I renamed it to “She Is with Me”. People were saying this naturally and it made more sense. A couple weeks after that, I renamed it again to “Wilde Women”. People were naturally talking about “the women” and the original title no longer made sense. What did make sense and felt so right was to call them Wilde since they all seem to represent a part of us and aren’t we all wild on the inside?
I LOVE YOU
CHA 🍍 WILDE
chawilde.com/sheiswithme | #sheiswithmeproject
