“I feel less. Less of an artist. I don’t feel 100% an artist because I have a full time job from 8am-5pm Monday - Friday.”
Job or no job, you’re an artist. What makes you an artist has nothing to do with where you clock in each day to make money. Let me tell ya, even when you work as a full time artist, most of your day isn’t spend making art. I only make art for 4 hours a day if I’m lucky. The rest of my day is spent marketing, emailing, Zoom calling, looking through bookkeeping records, commuting and taking care of my personal health and social life. So the reality is that very few, if any, of us are literally doing Art full time. We may be doing the business of art, tasks related to our art, or other jobs to support our art.
I carried this worry on my shoulders, festering in my mind, for years. I was embarrassed to tell my musician friends that I also ran a photography business. I feared that would make me look like a failing musician, a musician who couldn’t support herself with her music and she had to result to other types of art that she was better at. I thought they wouldn’t take me seriously as a musician if they knew everything else I did in life to pay bills and stay sane. I looked up to full time musicians like heroes who were ‘actually’ doing it. I felt like I was failing for not being focused 100%, willing to do anything for the music, including starve in basement and perform at weddings. I beat myself up for the way I was handling things. I told myself I didn’t have what it takes. I looked in the mirror and said mean things like “If you were really a musician, if this is really your destiny, then you would be out there performing every day. You would be going door to door to perform for the neighbors. You would be playing your instrument 8 hours a day at least!” I heard John Mayer played guitar until his fingers were bleeding. My fingers were sore but not bleeding yet…so I’m not good enough…yet.
I’ve got some new wrinkled under my eyes that I notice each morning these days. I’m pretty sure they showed up because of this stress. For years, I push and push from the inside, trying to squeeze myself into a form of what I perceived a serious, professional, respected musician ‘should’ be. Fuck it! It aged me. This stress took away life energy from me. Obviously, that is not living in flow, not living in alignment. During COVID quarantine, I’ve realized that my health, my vital life energy must come first. I must be committed to my mental well being, my emotional stability, sense of self, deep healing, active engagement in friendships and community building, creative expression in many outlets (not just music) and stability in my finances. I gave myself permission to workout and do yoga before I made music. I gave myself permission to spend the little money I had on therapy sessions so I could be at ease, knowing I’m taking care of myself and feel fresh hope. I gave myself permission to reach out to new friends and invite them into my book club even though I was a little nervous they wouldn’t want to do it with me. I gave myself permission to show up bigger with my camera and own my profession, my expertise, my passion, my reliable income as a photographer.
