Alone and Alive in a Jungle Rice Field

You are the greatest platform from which I can jump and grow beyond myself.


I rolled up the scrolls, folded the drop cloth and packed the bags. I’m moving out of House Pino in Ubud Center at the perfect time. I made home and studio on this white balcony overlooking a Warung and a parking lot full of scooters. I’m done with the city noise. I’m ready to go deeper into the jungle and create from a place of spacious peace, more breathing room for my body, away from other humans, away from traffic.

My favorite road in Ubud leads out of Ubud. Jungle vines hang down over the car that carries me to Penestanan Village. It’s a footpath only kinda place. I’ll be dropped off at the supermarket and a sweet old Australian lady will help me carry my bags up the stairs into the maze of allyways. She asks me if I want to turn right and walk to the house via cement pathway or turn left and take the scenic route through the rice paddies. Scenic root 100%.


This jungle has healing energy in it and I keep thinking about the sunshine and tropical rainbow colors of the beach. It’s a monsoon, tropical thunderstorms, heavy rain. I’m on the porch, legs over a holster, listening to rain and chirping birds, strong cravings to eat all my feelings in the form of nuts, chocolate, coffee, smoothies and protein bars. Waiting for ginger honey tea to chill out so I can sip it. A part of me loves this. A part of me is pulling away from this. A part of me feels the healing magic, the fresh privacy and possibility of creating new pathways for myself here. A part of me is straining for the door, wondering if the ocean would make me smile. It’s easy to cry with the jungle rain. This house is another answer to my prayers. I have deeply longed for solitude in the trees, just like this, knowing the sounds of the plants, animals and elements would heal maybe better than the singing bowls.

A part of me wants to hide in my work. A part shakes her head in fatigue, asking me for more clarity before I serve others. Only work when your energy is pristine. I catch my parts sneaking out to fight the fires, teenagers of my psyche creeping down the hallway to go play and avoid the work.

I told myself i would do this, for years it was on my lists, and now here I am. This is what it feels like.

This house is alone in a field of green. This is exactly where I need and want to be. Alone in a house in alone in a field. When I leave the house I travel by foot through a jungle path, over a little bridge that crosses a jungle river, and I pop out onto another footpath that leads to the Yellow Flower Cafe and Intuitive Yoga studio — both hidden gems. This feels magical and I say “YES!” to myself as I walk these steps.

Bags unpacked in the new house, I receive an invitation from Louise. She invites me to join her at the Tjampuhan Spa. We swam together in hot and cold pools inside a stone cave on the cliff overlooking a jungle ravine. A brown river ran between the steep hills of palm tree and we giggled in the water at our luxurious moment of life. This is a beautiful life we are living.

I walk home over flower petals, chirping and croaking frogs in my ears, water rushing in the gutter, my skin warm, soft and glowing. I’ve just emerged from a cave of carven monkeys, hot steaming water rolling off my body, hair cool from the cold plunge. The air and my body are soft together tonight.

Love & Rainbows,
Cha Wilde

The Magic Inside Humans

September 30, 2022 - Ubud, Bali
- Manifesting friendship

“I am growing tired of being alone, wondering what magic I’m missing…”

I stopped writing this sentence midway because a woman sat down beside me. In that very moment I had been wondering what magic (in other people) I was missing by keeping to myself. I didn’t want to socialize just for the sake of socializing. I wanted to connect with the right humans, the ones that would fill me up with energy rather than drain my precious energy. I’ve been alone, deeply alone, for days and in this moment at The Yoga Barn cafe, a little light switched on inside me. I realized I wasn’t wanting to socialize. I was wanting to feel magic flow into my life through another human being. In that moment I felt to the core of my being that Bali is a beautiful magical place to explore alone and yet the magic that makes me bubble with joy is sparked by human connection. I asked this question…. “What magic am I missing?” And Louise introduced herself.


An hour later, the next line I wrote in my journal was “Thank you universe for delivering immediately.”

We first spoke about how our beanbags were awkward to sit on. We laughed. I was drawn into her beautiful face and energy without question or hesitation. I wanted to be her friend from the moment I laid eyes on her. From our first words, we were a match. Over the next day of conversation we discovered astounding similarity in our lifestyles, lifepaths, personalities, passions and energy. This woman is EXACTLY the woman I was hoping and needing to meet. How refreshing!



Thrilled to have met, we wiped our mouths, threw down the napkins and set off to the Ecstatic Kirtan to chant the names of the divine and wiggle our bodies. The next day…


I walked through a monsoon, water running over my ankles on the street. I found Louise smiling in the rain. We discovered our shared love of music and our background of partying at music festivals in the backseat of stop and go traffic. We were being driven to The Pyramids of Chi. It was Louise’s idea. I had no idea what I was getting into.


We laid on waterbeds and our bodies vibrated as the speakers beneath the bed played electronic music to awaken and balance our chakras. A live musician played the flute, rattle and giant gongs. Strobe lights flashed in our eyes to guide us into deep healing meditation.

Session complete, Louise and I sat up and made big eyes at each other. We walked out of the giant pyramid grinning like fools. Rainbows had been dancing around her. I had been traveling through spinning mandalas through deep space. We ate chocolate and couldn’t stop laughing the whole way home.

Everything happens when I’m ready for it. I was ready to make a friend. I was ready to meet a woman who understands what I’ve moved through. I was ready to laugh. I was ready to open up and talk about my secret thoughts. I was ready to hear a story from a woman just like me who made different choices. I was ready to say yes to something totally mysterious. I was ready to remember that I discovered my magical superpower at the age of 6. — That was my big breakthrough on this musical waterbed. I travelled into deep space and I felt what I felt in my body at age 6. The body remembers. It showed me visual memories. I showed me one detail at a time, items in my house and the place where I laid down to nap in kindergarten. Beyond vision, it showed me physical sensations I experienced at that age, perhaps the most important physical sensation I’ve ever felt still to this day. Savasana. I experienced (or consciously acknowledged) deep Savasana for the first time when I was 6. I’d been trying to recreated that blissful floating feeling throughout my entire youth. I tapped into it again when I began practicing yoga. There is it! This is where my powers are; stunningly deep sensitivity to the physical body, every tiny fluctuation in the present moment. I would like to keep details beyond this to myself for sacred privacy. This experience at The Pyramids of Chi reconnected me with myself, who I knew myself to be and the world as I knew it, after six years of being alive on planet Earth. This relationship inside me is precious because I cannot help but feel abounding love for this child that I am.

Love & Rainbows,
Cha Wilde

Human and ducks in flooded rice paddies. The ducks come to swim after the rice has been harvested and the fields fill up with water.

The path I walk to The Yoga Barn.

Learning and Living Stability

September 29, 2022 - Denpasar and Ubud, Bali
- Immigration Visa Trip to Big City, Reflection on Food, Financial Stability and Artist Values

Three furry faces surprise me. I step out the front door, key in the lock and my heart melts as the cats who own this house say good morning! I hop on the back of a scooter and drive through sunrise rush hour to the big city, passing village markets. The uniformed school children are hoping off scooters, moms chatting in a cluster of scooters on the sidewalk. I zoom by. From the jungle to the city the traffic grows. The air quality drops. My mind wanders as the morning wind wakes up my skin.

I am like my mother. I want to be outside. If I am inside, I would like to be looking outside. My time feels precious. The thoughts I think color my vision.

Writing this in the waiting room of the immigration office…. My ticket number is C077 and the screen said C006 when I sat down. So I’m reading “The Mind-Gut Connection”. Since arriving in Bali my diet has dramatically changed. I’m probably eating 10x more fruit, a daily espresso that wasn’t there before (I’d stopped drinking coffee in Seattle), and for two weeks I was eating every meal in restaurants trying Indonesian, Thai, vegan and A terrible attempt at Mexican cuisine. Note to self: the only tacos in this world worth eating are made by Davey in his kitchen on Taco Tuesdays. Outside of that, just say no. It’s always disappointing by comparison. I guess this makes me “tacomonogmous” ha!

Anyway, more sugar and foreign ingredients with bacteria new for my body. Also drinking water from bottles from who knows where. Even if the food I’m eating is healthy and familiar to my eyes and taste buds, I remind myself that it is different for my gut. My body is adjusting to new water, new food, new levels of sugar, fat, and salt. I also did not being with me my daily protein powders, vitamins and supplements. For the past couple years I’ve been drinking a very thick midday shake that is jam packed with a dozen different pills and powders to support my functioning and beauty; protein, collagen, fancy exotic antioxidants, elastin, joint support stuff, fish oils, macaroni powders, BCAA, etc… and then I went cold turkey. How would I feel to remove all of these supplements from my diet for a month? It’s been 3 weeks and after I leave the immigration office I’m asking my driver to take me straight to the supplements and vitamin store. Fill me back up with the goodies please! My body feels soft and heavy and is craving a return to my nutrition plan and daily workout routines. Restaurants and lounging, supported from the outside, is fun for a moment, to take a breather and be held. Eventually, life wants to feel supported from the inside again. At least this is how I and the trillions of microorganisms in this body feel. Did you know there are only 10% human cells (not counting Ted blood cells) in the human body? The rest of the cells are other organisms…microorganisms!



Writing in the backseat of a taxi back to Ubud…. I still feel nervous to buy paint supplies. My stomach gets a little tight at the checkout. I consider putting paint back on the shelves and question if I’m too hopeful that someone will buy a painting and make up for the money I spent on supplies. That’s what I told myself for comfort for years when my bank account was almost touching zero. I couldn’t stop creating. I was limited and it pushed me to be more selective, intentional and appreciative. I wonder if my body will forget the nervous feel one day or if it will always know the fear of not having enough, despite how much I have. When money was tighter I cut out buying new clothes, manicures, eating out, travel and gifts. I’m am grateful that I kept taking the risk and spending the little money I had on art supplies, journals and whole food. During that time of financial struggle, I was given experiences and treats from people who loved me, a pretty outfit from my husband, a trip to Europe from my dad, a trip to Mexico with my mom, a dozen music festival and concert tickets with Davey. They sprinkled gifts into my life that kept me receiving adventure and beauty when I wasn’t able to give such things to myself yet. I gave myself little things. Those little purchases; one tube of paint (my favorite color), one new journal a month (the nicest one… Moleskin) and one vitamin supplement at a time, I honored what really mattered to me. My expression, inward reflection and healthy body. I would say I kept the flame alive through the storm.   I could have stopped painting, writing, or playing. I could have bought cheaper “food” to get by. I didn’t because i knew it was all habits. Every dollar spent was an investment in the direction I wanted to go. I’d rather eat healthier food and be a little hungry than eat unhealthy foos and feel full. It’s taken me longer to apply the same principle to the quality of my paint supplies. I’d like to say I would rather create a painting with one color of highest quality paint than a full rainbow made of cheap paint that will degrade quickly. My body took priority over my art. Health over expression because without health I can’t express anyway. In the past few months, I have started to using the best paints on the market. Now people are purchasing my paintings and I want them to be fully of loved and honored for a nice long time.


A trip into the city today drove me bonkers. Exhausted I’m the exhaust of the crowded honking streets. When I stepped off the plane from Seattle three weeks ago, Denpasar, Bali (the big city on this tropical island) felt quaint. I giggled that it was considered to be a city. I’ve spend spent twenty days painting the ocean and drinking coffee with my journal in the jungle and suddenly Denpasar feels enormous and chaotic. Get me out of this city! Take me back to the jungle please! The streets I’m Denpasar are lined with dingy shops pushing American brands on billboards and flip flops hang in plastic bags waiting for someone to need them.

Writing at the spa…. So why do the busy Ubud streets feel different? Perhaps because the people are selling artwork and pretty clothes. The shops are overflowing with stone sculptures of Hindu gods and Buddhas. I’ve never seen so many statues in one place in my life. Where do all these statues ship out to!? Who needs this many Buddha heads? All the yoga studios, resorts and hippies around the world, I suppose. Baskets, wooden spatulas, hand brushed picture frames, larger paintings, silver jewelry…oh the artwork is eye candy for all of us riding down the street. I don’t want to look away. I want to gaze in deeper and see the artist at work in the back of the shop. The energy of creation is more pleasant than the energy of consumerism.


I wonder how long I will need to recover from my time in the city. I grew up in the country and studied in a small seaside town. The city was always an exciting adventure. I dreamed of living in the big city and once I got there I cried within minutes as my heart sank into my body which immediately grieved my long daily walks in the woods. It took me two years to get out of the city and back into the world. Now the ocean, the jungle, the rice paddies and cliffs are feeling like home again. I shutter at the idea of the city. My parts don’t want to go back there. They want to venture out future where the fresh wind is the strongest movement pass


I took my new pedicure to The Yoga Barn, aka Hogwarts for yogis. I walked in and soul slip back into place. I filled up on green juice and chocolate maca powder smoothie. Green juice for fresh vegetable energy and maca powder to balance my hormones. I am cultivating stability these days. Stable hormones, stable sleep patterns, stable relationships, stable heart rate, stable finance. Bring on the stabilizing herbs!

I wonder sometimes if I write too much. Oh well, so I write. At the end of this exhausting day, I write and I write about my fatigue and aloneness. Sometimes my pen is a magic wand. I write what I want and it appears…literally. I’ll tell you about Louise tomorrow.

Love & Rainbows, Cha Wilde

Balinese Massages, Groceries and Visa Extensions

September 27, 2022 • Ubud, Bali

Hello my faraway loves. I miss sharing days with you. I wake up in your future and I fall asleep as you open your eyes. I’m experiencing for the first time the feeling of being truly far away from home. Until now my greatest time difference form home and family has been 10hrs; still living in the same day, the sun is just in a different part of the sky. Now, my loved ones live in the past, a full day behind me. I say good morning and goodnight in the same breath. This is the most distant and disconnected I’ve ever felt from them, truly divided by the size of the glove. There is a small, somewhat inconvenient, window of time in which we are both awake to share our stories and smile into each other’s voices. Voice messages are left for later listening and life, my day in their future, goes on alone. I feel compassion for a human in a distant space, light years away from home planet, months of travel between here and there, and a love string strong enough to hold the two people in two places together.

I stare at feet. Their toes are beautifully aligned with the foot. Healthy spread out wide foot bones that have never been bound is shoes. Bare soles on the earth and flipping free in sandals these Balinese feet walk by me on the street happy as feet can be.

I received a traditional Balinese massage for the first time today. Before the massage my feet were bathed in a bowl of water with floating rose petals. During the massage I stared down through the face hole at a stone bowl filled with plumeria flowers) and appreciated the Balinese feet walking barefoot on the stone floor around me. She stood on the table and pressed firmly into my softening body. With my ears closed in deepening relaxation I prayed and asked why I am here. I kept hearing these words repeat in my head… “Receive receive receive.” After the massage, I floated out into a warm air, blissful, and slowly sipped the ginger tea and nibbles fresh papaya.




Two weeks of restaurants and I’m thrilled to be cooking for myself again. “Bintang”, the local grocery store in the old magical jungle part of Ubud carried so much variety, many brands I recognize from home and only one thing on my shopping list was not ticked off… protein powder. Their health food / supplements aisle was nonexistent. My fitness routine is on rest mode. Fresh fruit a plenty! Bali grown chocolate, coffee, tea, banana chips…. it all grows right here!




Beside the supermarket is an exquisite cafe shop called “Dharma”. This fancy coffee health food boutique store broke my a big 100,000 IDR bill when I purchased a square of ”Ubud Raw” chocolate. I nibbled the rich dark sweetness on the sidewalk while I waited for my scooter driver to arrive.

The scooter ride home through the jungle air was warm, soft and relaxing…scooters are a highlight of my day because I get to soar through the wind and let go of control for a moment. On this particular ride, I held a bag of vegetables in my lap with that raw chocolate half chewed in my back pocket. I was dropped of and ran straight into the house to cook a simple dish… fried onions, potatoes and egg…smooshed inside a halved avocado that’s filled with hummus.

Now I’m kicking up my feet on the balance listening to jungle bugs and frogs, half finished paintings on the floor. Also, today I applied for a visa extension so I’ll be spending at least another month in Bali! I paid extra to have a travel agent take care of the paperwork for me. Total cost for expedited agency assisted visa extension: 1,300,000 IDR — the process normally takes 8 business days. I paid extra to have it done in 3 because they take your passport away from you and I want to keep it on my person, never separated from it. So to send it away to the immigration office for 3 days vs 8 days made it worth the express fees. When I’m traveling, that passport is my ticket home so it’s my most precious possession…that and my ticket and money. “Passport, ticket, money.” My parents might as well have tattooed this phrase on my body at birth. Every time I leave home a little further than the usual distance, I hear my dad’s voice singing this little mantra. “Passport, ticket and money!” — everything else you can buy when you get there. It’s really all you need.

Love & Rainbows, Cha Wilde

Escape to Melasti Beach

The moment my eyes saw the Indian Ocean my heart fluttered back to life, a silly smile spread across my sunburned face. I ran away to the beach to float in the turquoise water, dig feet into hot sand, sip cool water from a fresh coconut, paint the blue waves. Everything is right in my world again for a moment. I escaped the jungle to work on my laptop from the beach club bar. I stretched out time, floating and typing, waiting for the sunset. The sky turned peachy fire and I knew it was time to call a taxi and return to my white cottage in the jungle. Four hours driving for five hours at Melasti Beach, was worth it and my soul sighs, thank you.


The sunset turned the hot blue sky to soft shades of peace. The taxi driver wasn’t as impressed as I was; mid negotiation on what I’d pay for a taxi ride all the way from Melasti Beach up to Ubud and I’m looking up at the sky saying, “ouu pretty!” For me, everything stops for the sunset. Like in the jungle book when everyone how’s to the elephant parade as it stomps through. Yes, I drop whatever I’m doing and how to the sun. My jaw drops, my eyes lift, my whole body softens and all my priorities and values click back into place. Goodbye sunshine. I need you, I love you. I’m not here without you. I love being here with you. Your setting is a celebration of all that you are and I look forward to that moment in bed when the bird wake me up and I see you peeking in through my curtains, your gold smile shining.


Is this what we call white sand? Almost perfect spheres, I’d rather call them beads than grains, some white, some cream, some mustard yellow. My feet sink into this soft sand, smoothly embracing my feet, making it challenging for me to walk and leave the beach. Better for me to just lay in the warm water and dig my hands into the sand. I play with handfuls of this magical earth and it drifts away from me in sparkling clouds. My toes float just above the water, lines of gold light trace along the bottom.

This is one of my paradises. It is not this location that I call paradise. Paradise is this moment in which I am fully available to be present in this beautiful location.


Behind me at the bar (as I indulged in a watermelon juice and avocado chicken salad as the sunset!) a woman bickered and cried at a man…the entire time. Parts of me wanted to turn to her and say, “excuse me, ms. Lady? You’re missing the sunset.” There we were, side by side; she was in hell and I was in heaven.


My mind has become the beautiful looking glass through which I see a magical world. My body has become a safe space in which I feel pleasure and peace. My breath has become my medicine.


Love & Sunsets, Cha Wilde

Now I know I can do more. Now, can I do less?

Courage to Swing at Tegallalang

Sept 25, 2022 - Tegallalang, Bali

It’s easier to keep walking. Sometimes the higher calling, the challenge to greatness, is to sit down.

While watching the ladies take pictures of themselves on the jungle swings…. My vulnerability is being seen as just another tourist, another person in line to take a photo for Instagram. I love to tell the story. I feel painful resistance to being photographed in these tourist spots. I feel pressure to perform and participate. It is more uncomfortable to join the crowd when I’m alone. I appreciate the pink blossoms and the dresses flowing through the air as the women swing. What are you afraid of? Feeling awkward and being seen. Must I jump at the fun thing? Sometimes I’d rather just hide because my chest is tight and I’m afraid of being uncomfortable. I feel a part of me sitting there watching and wishing I could participate, wanting someone to grab my hand and make me go. It takes courage for me to swing like this, to step out and do a physical activity in public..even a fun one. I know that must seem silly to many people. Every experience is worth having. Lose control for a moment. I am free to move at my own pace and now parts of me want to move faster. They want wind, water, change, swings, scooters, risks, rafting, thrill and fun! These parts of me want to push and feel the release of endorphins and breakthrough. I will swing and I will swing when I’m ready. Not like this, not for Instagram.

My parts have felt rushed since I was a child. I was race to brush my hair and teeth. I learned in my twenties I tried brushing slowly for the first time and the anxiety disappeared. It really is enough to just be and that’s all I’ve ever wanted. I move at my own pace and that pace is slow. I still feel my mother and hyper friends in my body, memories of what it is like to be with them. They jump at fun without second thoughts and I seem to need a moment of stillness before I am wholeheartedly open to fun. My parts are young and cautious, asking for a moment alone, quiet with my journal, observing from a hidden spot. What is this fun everyone is having? When I am ready, I will join. Watch first, then dive in. I don’t know where this hesitation comes from and I’m learning to allow it rather than fight it. Allow the pause before the action. I am allowed to take my time. I am allowed to feel my way into each experience. Diving into the deep end is a rush and rush is not always better. Rush is a rush. My pace is curiously slow, building trust with my nervous system. How foreign it feels to actually allow this space inside myself. I realize now how much I have trampled over my own body in this life. How will life unfold now, moving forward with so much more understanding for my parts who need me to listen and care. I believe I will have fun and I will be led from a deeper place so the healing powers of this fun play will reach into me further, touching me more profoundly.


After swinging I wrote to the parts of myself who had been nervous to swing earlier in the day….

Okay my dear, now you’ve done the swing and you did I perfectly. Because you followed yourself, you got to swing at sunset in peace, away from crowds. Your pictures were taken by a professional photographer. Your entire day was enjoyed fully at the rice terraces, thoroughly exploring, creating and being present. You painted, studied the terraces and bonded with a local, walked off the beaten path and discovered so much more around the corner. You felt discomfort when you were around tourists, Instagram energy, humans obsessed with appearance. You’re making a conscious effort to be present and authentic beyond appearances. You choose nature adventure in the world outside, conscious of your resistance. You also have beautiful wisdom and intuition.

And I let my parts respond…

I feel good, glad I did the swing and proud of myself. I feel more confident in myself, trusting my own timing. This is proof to myself that I do cool things and I move at my own pace. There is no rush to have a rush. When the moment is good for me, I act. I’m excited to feel peace in myself. Expansion feels good. Had I gone swinging in the beginning of the day it would have been an action out of pressure, forced. Something didn’t feel right so I waited and because I waited, I got to swing in ideal conditions. I swung out over the jungle in peace as the sunset touched the tops of the trees and the only humans around were the ones pushing me. They took my picture and I was happy to pose, playful in the celebration of this epic and silly experience. If you want me to pose (and the time is right for me), then I’ll pose up a storm. ha!

Love & Rainbows, Cha Wilde

Slow Lessons Life from Rice


September 25, 2022 — Tegallalang Rice Terraces, Bali

Roosters crowing across the curving rice terraces, little farms tucked away, joined, marshy, crawling with bugs. Small waterfalls, dirt paths and staircases build into the hill, giant palm leaves and patches of hot sun that will burn me up if I don’t keep moving.


I’m in the Tegallalang Rice Terraces and a part of me is judgmental. She sees the world through artists eyes and doesn’t understand why other people see it differently or behave differently than I do. Why do people rush by and skip over the beautiful details that make it all worth living? Do they not even know what they miss? Has no one ever showed them how to slow down and look more closely? Stopping the stampede to smell the roses and watch the black butterflies dance across the green rice.


I walk through the rice terraces and learn…. Life never stops for me. It doesn’t wait for me to catch up and explain what just happened. I know I don’t have time to stop living so my storytelling must keep up with the living. This is why I love livestreams and posting immediately. Here you go, real life right now! I’m moving on! I don’t want to miss this moment because I was caught up talking about the previous one.


I learned that some people spend all day sitting in a rice terrace, eating bags of chips, offering fresh coconuts and hoping tourists will give them money if they pose for a photo. I sat with one of these women, sipping a coconut she cut open for me. I painted the terraces in watercolor and she said one word to me, “good”, pointing at my painting. We smiled at each other a lot in silence, tourists walking by us every few minutes, all of them refusing her coconuts. Time was slow with her. I realized she would be here all day and again tomorrow. One hour was enough for me and I was ready to move on. I’m learning from the Balinese people that one way to live life is to sit still, relaxed, in one spot for a long long time. She must know that terrace well and the tourists must be like migrating animals moving through her land. It’s ok to sit and be right here. There is no where is to go. In fact, right here is the place to go, look at all these people traveling around the world to walk right here! So sit and be in it, slower and slower.




I learned that an old bent over man with two feet crippled, toes curled, ankles turned outwards, walking on the outer edge of one foot, can still swing a machete and work his rice crop in the hot sun. He hobbled up and down the stone steps with a open Smeagol-like face. I learned that even with an old crooked body we can still show up and do the work of our life. With the older body we move slower  and yet, we still move, we still work. Age has nothing to do with work.


I learned that the rice terraces have three repeating colors; light green, darker green and brown green. They curve with each other, paralleling each other around the hill. The dark green moves upwards, the rice plants growing. The light green is the short grass, cut short by feet and machete. The brown green is the dirt slop between each level of rice. There are dirty-cream square stone steps and simple dirt paths for the humans walking up and down and across. And there are palm trees shooting up sporadically, two or three in each field. At the bottom of the valley, thick jungle plants cover the flowing water. To cross to the other side you must walk on a rickety thatched bridge or a bridge of silver pipes tied together. When I crossed I smiled as a tiny shot of adrenaline released in my brain. I learned that little yellow flowers grow, large ants crawl on logs, white butterflies are fickle about their landing spots never staying longer than a few seconds, and pretty plants with long magenta leaves are pretty freckles on the green scenery.


The impression of Uluwatu is still on me. Close to the ocean, close to life. Perhaps I’ll go back there for awhile. More sunsets on the beach. All this jungle time is interesting and it’s not really what I want. All in good time.

Wherever there is wind, give it to me. Again the wind find me, this time in the rice terraces, cooling and soft. I could be with her all day. I never want the breeze to stop. I miss her terribly when she’s absent.


Love & Rainbows, Cha Wilde

Coffee In the Jungle

Sept 24, 2022 - Ubud Jungle, Bali — at Yellow Flower Cafe and Keliki Coffee

A moment to complain and set the scene…”fuck the jungle. I have rashes and bumps on my fingers, my stomach feels uneasy and my lady parts are itching up a storm every night. So far, I don’t feel much peace in Ubud; more traffic noise, pressure to do yoga, darkness in the house downstairs, reclusiveness overtaking me, I haven’t been impressed by any meal I’ve eaten here. The food in every restaurant has been bland. I miss the energy of the ocean. I haven’t seen a single sunset up here in the mountain jungle. Why am I here? I traveled across the world to paint the ocean sunsets and now I’m in the clouds, shooing away mosquitos. The ocean salt cleanses me inside and out while the jungle irritates my sensitive skin. When I sit beside the ocean, my body moves itself into yoga postures. In the jungle I’m avoiding yoga completely, too much resistant to push through. In Ubud, there is a constant drone of bugs, more disturbing than the roaring ocean. When I look in the mirror I’m surprised by my own beauty. I’ve been feeling unattractive. If I’m here to listen (this is the mission of my trip, TO LISTEN), what am I hearing? Bugs, birds, engines, talking, music. Maybe there’s too much fruit in my diet? Drums, cooing, chirping, rattling. I feel the feeling of wanting change. I want to move. Something here is very unsettling for me. The engines really irritate me. I want quiet and peace. Too much daily human life, the buzzing of human society is agitating me beyond my capacity to function. So far I am not feeling in love with this place I am supposed to love. Maybe it’s two days without caffeine that has me grumpy in Ubud. Maybe it’s not a good idea to attempt to break addiction when arriving in a new town…it might cloud my vision and make me a hate a place. ha! I need to get away from here. Perhaps I call a scooter to whiz me away from this “metropicalis” (haha) and deliver me to deeper nature. A coffee in the jungle? Yes please.

This is the Yellow Flower Cafe. I was in a sour mood when I visited this pretty spot. I tried three different seats. I was blinded by the hot sun. I tested my patience to paint this exotic red building. I only drank half my milky chai tea. I left quickly to get away and even the quaintest pretty jungle footpath pissed me off. I wove my way through the foot-only ally ways of Penestanan (a hidden village of Ubud) until I popped out on the main street. I had no idea where I wanted to go (apart from back to Uluwatu Beach). If you haven’t figured out by now, the wind is my medicine. When I don’t know what to do or where to go, I just need to get some wind on my skin. I called a GoJek scooter and asked the drive to take me further into the jungle. Just drive! I picked a random destination 20min away (which is a long way in Ubud, Bali). I had no idea if I’d like the place but it was somewhere to go. Take me to Keliki Coffee please!


Phew, I made it to the top of a jungle mountain! On a barstool at Keliki Coffee I peer over the edge. I’m in the forest canopy. I’ve never seen a forest this big from this high up before. My breath left me for a moment in wonder as my spirit soared with the birdies in this lush green valley. The jungle is almost overwhelming; so much detail to take in. Why is the ocean easier to watch? The jungle is almost blinding. I wonder what’s out there and quickly look away. Where do I land my gaze? The ocean offers me the gift of trance, lulling me into hypnosis, removing my worries of life. The jungle puts me on edge, acutely aware of life, so much life, too much life to process. It is a gift to forget, to just watch and listen. What do you want to forget? The confusion.


I move around coffee shops, changing seats until I find more comfortable spot. I am like a dog circling its bed before I settle and write. Any discomfort disrupts my flow. What I put in my body, how I move my body, the environment in which I place my body, these shape me and change me. Good life is a simple formula that is predictable and reliable. Finally, at Keliki Coffee house I find my spot. This is probably the most epic coffee experience of my life. I am on another cliff. I seem to find peace and inspiration on cliffsides. The abundance of green life is impressive. I like the wooden chairs. I’m feeling doubts in my work. Why? What are you afraid of? I’m not actually interested in it. I’m bored. So what would be interesting for you? I could write a book right here. I found a spot in Ubud that I enjoy! I feel stressed trying to paint reality. I enjoy abstraction. Instead of watercolors, I could bring acrlyics in my backpack for wilderness painting. It’s trickier though to bring the wet painting home since it takes longer to dry. I need to create in exotic spots. There are bugs crawling on my journal that I’ve never seen before.

God, I am lucky to be sitting here. One sip of coffee, little bug friends and a breeze in the upper canopy. I see no humans. I hear them behind me grinding the next batch of coffee and tinkering teacups away for cleaning. To block out the cars driving down the steep jungle road behind me, I pop in Airpods and play an instrumental track to help me focus on my writing and watercolors. I was born to live in a quiet world. Now I escape the growing chaos, retreating to the untouched spaces so I may be touched by them, so I may wake up in a dream again. Black birds, black butterflies, and the gnawing chatter of a trillion bugs I cannot see. I thought I’d travel across the globe to write love stories about the many men I’ve known, so many men. Now, I’m here and my pen writes about this moment. I’ve lost interest in whatever happened back in America. Our dealings were tangled, toxic and thrilling. The only way to cope was to tame myself with rigid routine and a not entirely convincing mantra, “I am content.” A voice was screaming in my head; settle down and be at peace, why don’t you?! and another voice screamed back, I must get out of here! Get me out of here! I lost my sense of wonder for a moment. After writing on the cliff of Uluwatu and this cliff in the Ubud jungle, why and how would I ever go back to writing in a Stripmall Starbucks in America? Free birds are playing in the air, soaring between the green and blue.

For the first time in my life I don’t have to go back. Where do you want to go? I just want to stay free. I feel called back to the ocean. A single focus feels good. At Uluwatu Beach there is one focus…the waves. Everyone sitting on the cliff and in the sand is staring out, mesmerized by the water rolling in. Nothing else exists or matters. By comparison, Ubud is chaos; so many people all doing different activities, each with their own interests and types of energy, different body types and speeds. In surfer paradise, everyone looks the same, talks the same, feels the same; living in rhythm with the ocean we are united. Everyone focused on something together is relaxing. In Uluwatu, everyone was focused on the ocean. Life revolved around the sunsets. Fo r my love of the sunsets am I forever linked to the west coasts of this world? That’s where the sunsets are meeting me, pastels and fire sparkling at the edge of the land.

Love & Rainbows, Cha Wilde

Safe Feels Boring in my Body

Sept 22, 2022 - Ubud, Bali
MONKEY FOREST, EXPLORING TOWN ON FOOT

I feel the rush to do many things again and the desire to stay.

I love living on a footpath between houses. It reminds me of my homes in Scotland; old small towns built before cars. The roads only need be wide enough for a couple human legs. I found more human sized alleyways in the jungle. I see now the entire town was build into the trees, little streams running between blossoming trees and bananas. Rice paddies are hidden behind buildings that look abandoned but may very well awaken at dinner time.

I walked morning steps through the Monkey Forest. My hair is barely washed on this trip. I love looking salty and wind blown. Uluwatu felt relaxing and quiet despite the incessant roar of the ocean and surfer chit chat. A couple days in Ubud and I I miss the mighty cliffs above the ocean. Ubud feels like a city, overwhelming me with tourists, vendors, vehicles. A part of me feels threatened to be in a town of yogis, pressured to take challenging yoga classes. Am I comparing myself to these fellow yogis, judging them, wanting to be different, rather than just melting in with love and shared interest? I’ve always been a little hesitate to dive into the social group. I like to watch first and make a gentle entrance…apart from those times when I cannon ball in with confidence. I fluctuate through each month and I’ve arrived in Ubud during the week when solitary energy rules me.

I feel resistance to selling my Bali paintings. They feel special; memories from my trip. All the more reason to share, I believe. My desire to write is rising. I feel so deeply centered when I am writing. I want to feel more space in my creation and it feels good to work with structure. Too much loose time and I am lost. In travel, so much is constantly new and changing so structure in my work and creative process is naturally declaring itself a priority for progress and sanity. My voice feels quiet in Bali. Am I being respectful, blending in to not offend, keeping to my self for deeper reflection, closing my lips to open my ears and listen? Whatever the reason, being so silent feels so good right now.

In Seattle, I feel a need to fix people around me, to evangelize my beautiful ways. In Bali, nobody needs my fixings. It is not my place to change them. What is there to change?

I want peace and freedom for my friends. I want rich deep life for them.

A part of me feels judgmental. She wants to make sure I live a fun life. She sees the parts of me who love being still, writing these stories in a cafe and she whispers, “You should be going white water river rafting.” She sees me digging my feet into the sand, playing with the feelings on my skin, and she whispers, “You should be taking a surfing lesson.” She sees me riding on the back of a scooter in utter bliss, eye closed, head thrown back, ecstacy in danger and wind, and she whispers, “You should rent a scooter so you can be the one driving,.” She sees me resting and she insists that I go workoout, take a yoga class, jump on a jungle swing. She wants me to live a life like my mom, full of adventure and thrill. I am grateful for this part of me because she is protecting my aliveness. She is looking out for me, making sure I stay active and stepping beyond my comfort zone. And I am showing her each day that there is space to do it all. She am building a trust with her. I take her on wild adventures and ask her to sit back and watch how happy my other parts feel when they get to be slow, safe, and reflective. The fast speed is more thrilling and fulfilling when balanced well with slow moments. There is room for both. I feel into my depths and find presences. From my depths I teach, create and lead. From this depth grows the sparkling playful joy and courage so I may fully enjoy those wild crazy adventures up on the surface.

My work is beautiful and yet, I can feel bored in it. I take so many photos and videos (it’s nuts), more than I can handle. When it comes to sharing them with you, it hurts me to choose. It hurts to delete and clear space on the devices. It hurts to let go and lose. In doing so, I create space. My work is constantly inviting me to let go, to release. To create and sell, publish, share, is a constant exercise in giving away when often I feel the urge to hoard and hide. Creating and sharing everyday keeps me open, I’m holding myself in the shape of a river bed, the flow of life can move through me more powerfully like this. And if I feel bored… my healer promises me it is my nervous system recalibrating itself. After years of stress and forcing, my body is learning what safe and security feels like. Parts of me are resisting this settling, afraid life will never be fun again. This is perhaps my biggest lesson in Bali so far…I am safe and it is okay to feel safe. I am moving through a veil of boredom as I learn to accept safety in my body. I am at home wherever I go now.

Love & Rainbows, Cha Wilde