At Home in the Ocean - Yoga and Scuba Diving in Phuket, Thailand

I wrote my way to where I wanted to be.

In my bliss there are no words.

My vocabulary of sensations expands with my peace. Peace is mine. Joy is mine. Space is mine.

Nothing else is mine. Even the breath isn’t mine; I always have to give it back. What I am left with at the end of the exhale, that is mine. What I am left with after my final exhale, that is mine.

I love peeing in the ocean water, feeling warmth around my legs in the cool environment, a deep feeling of relaxation as my body releases what it needs to release. The lungs I breath feel subtle movement of air, the volume and speed of gas entering and exiting through the mouth with every breath. I’m adjusting my buoyancy with my breath. My breath controls everything; whether I sink, float, rise, turn. I’ve trained for this underwater world for over a decade on the yoga mat. Of course I love it. I get to be in flow, in a world where breathing is the most important rule, the main thing I focus on. Scuba diving is perfectly aligned with my yoga practice; every breath to match and control every movement. What I practice on the yoga mat is alive underwater because with the surface far above me, attention to breath is now life or death. If I forget to breath, I die. On the yoga mat, if I forget to breath, my mind wanders and I catch myself over and over. I see how easily I wander away from the breath. Underwater, there is no more space for wandering, it is all alive in real life, edge of death importance now, breath is everything like it has never been before. Of course I love diving; I get to meditate in pranayama as I flow within the mighty power of the ocean. The mat is a place to flow on land the way I can when I am diving in water. Yoga off the mat and into the water.

Because I went scuba diving with Aussie divers, I am now very well trained in my fundamentals, I feel a bond with this team of instructors, and confident and excited to explore diving in other parts of the world. Because I did this, I discovered that I am naturally talented as a diver it seems. I also serendipitously met a videographer who is excited to shoot me and make surfing music videos with me and travel with me to Raja Ampat to film a documentary for Arno and film me as we travel — beautiful yoga videos on boats and beaches, and mermaid videos in the surf and scuba! Wtf!?!

Serendipity. My favorite instructor gets randomly assigned to my last day of training at the last minute. There’s a music videographer who has been praying to meet someone like me for a long time, just like I’ve been praying to meet him. I meet a hot guy on the boat. His name is Landon. 😍

I’m really not that concerned about what I see. I’m just happy to be in the water, to feel the water on my skin soft and cool, to feel my body pulled along by current and to be a part of something greater, submerged in mama ocean, back home where I started. To be in a womb again. This is why I love diving immediately. Everyone keeps asking me if I saw a turtle or a shark as if these are the main events. Yes, I saw them. Yes, they’re magical. Yes, I’m there for something so much more than just one creature, more than eye spy fish games, more than taking pictures. I’m there for so much less and less is more. I’m there to be fully submerged in water, breathing in water, present in water, playing in water. Everything else is decorative and delightful. Everything else is extra on top of what is enough. The ocean herself is enough. Everything she contains are new friends I get to meet. The ocean herself though is what called me. She called me and now here I am, floating in her arms. Did I see a turtle? The questions they ask open my eyes to the mindset of everyone they’re used to encountering. I suppose once again, they’ve probably never met someone like me. Everywhere I go is the same. No one has ever met anyone like me; a girl who dove into the ocean because she wanted to go home.

Love & Rainbows, Cha Wilde

Tastes of Rain in Phuket

People can see straight into my room, all the paintings on the floor. I just realized this after two weeks at the Hilltop Wellness Resort in Phuket, Thailand. Two weeks of smearing fluorescent paint onto canvases to create rainbow sunsets, inspired by the ocean evenings so remember in Krabi. I hardly saw one sunset in Phuket; I came here to settle, write, restore health into my travelled body, and express all the feelings that have been a burden heavier than my bags; out they flow into paint and I’m laughing and crying and loving the colors. Deep delightful joy sings in my body when I walk into a room full of paintings I’ve created. A studio…for a moment.

The torrential downpour holds me inside the old colorful buildings. I don’t have an umbrella or plastic outfit to wear. Just Jean shorts, a crochet top and a sarong. It was sunny when I walked into Ryn — my favorite spot in old Phuket is an authentic Japanese matcha tea house. They happily know me now. I cross their threshold and my drink order is already being made. Oh, to be recognized is sometime so easily taken for granted when we are at home. As I wander this world now, no one knows my face. The matcha Barista whose name I still cannot pronounce knows my face and for this I love her and travel through too much traffic on the hotel shuttle for one or two big cups of matcha, oat milk, hot, no sugar, a smile, a giggle, a bow.

I got one ounce of work done in the cafe and hunger and dehydration destructed me and destroyed my plans. I wanted to buy more water, protein powder, energy supplements and fresh fruit. I came into town to gather supplies to support my returning fitness routine and nutrition plan. I was so hungry and rain drenched that I mindlessly stocked up on vegan protein bars and cashew nuts. I purchased more rainbow fabric (I’ll never acquire too much). I bought a kombucha for gut health and almond milk for tomorrow’s homemade hotel room matcha. My shoulders hurt from carrying my computer on my back and slightly regretted this entire draining trip to town. Perhaps I ought to have stayed by the pool. I caught the shuttle home during rush hour traffic, cursed as we crawled by the fruit market I had forgotten to visit and the deep sinking simmering realization arrived that I would wake up tomorrow without dragonfruit or mango to sustain me. It is tiring living in a resort, far away from the market, dependent on a restaurant and housekeeping. The resort holds me in quiet peace and supports deeper rest. The market comforts my daily needs and little unplanned purchases. I miss the fresh ocean air. I love the infinity pool looking out across the islands. This fortnight birthday wellness treat has indeed given me wellness, a taste of still home-like life, a reminder of home chores like commuting and larger shopping trips, an ever growing clarity that I love being so close to the ocean, no too far from her for not too long.

Another Tum Yom soup please, every night. The waitress knows me too. “You like Tum Yom, yes? Every night you have.” We laugh. I’m excited to try making it myself. I participated in a Thai cooking class last week. I learned to make each of the dishes I most enjoy at the restaurants here. Tom Yum was top of list, beside papaya salad, pad Thai, red curry and mango sticky rice. When I first arrived in Thailand I was only familiar with pad Thai. Oh, how my pallet has explored and expanded!!

Love and Rainbows,

Cha Wilde

Painting with the Sun as Creativity is Refreshed by Routine in Phuket, Thailand

Two weeks at the Hilltop Wellness Resort for myself to spread out in a space that feels like a home, a little studio, a luxurious container for my daily routine to get it’s claws back into me. On my discover scuba diving adventure, I bubbled up to the surface with clarity. I would spend a month in Phuket quitting coffee, returning to a strong fitness focused lifestyle, and writing. I rolled up the steep hill with too-heavy bags, a returning desire to paint sunsets, determination, a big smile to settle down for a moment after so many backpacking hotel switches and frustrating internet situations. I was giddy to walk into this temporary ‘home space’. I would pretend this was a condo I lived in full time, long time, like a year or longer. How would I behave with this condition?

For starters, I’d hang my clothes in the closet. I’d get all the ingredients I need for my post-workout protein shake. I’d designate one part of the house for me-time (sleeping, stretching, reading, writing, resting, dancing, therapy calls, singing lessons, meditation). I’d designate another part of the house for artwork and performance, for business (livestreams, videos, music production, painting, photo shoots, phone calls). This division served me beautifully. I’m very Pavlovian. I walk into the bedroom and instantly relax. I walk into the living room and instantly reach for paint brushes, ready with fresh focused inspiration. With all my daily need fully met at this elegant resort, I was able to turn my buzzing energy, the memories of the sunsets in Krabi and Koh Lanta, into new paintings. I began a new collection; the florescent rainbow sunsets of Thailand. Bring on the deep blue ocean, fire on the horizon and a the pastel skies!

I took a break from daily livestreams on YouTube. I loved that daily challenge and connection with the wider human world. It was also draining my energy and I was hesitant and well-rewarded to step back into my own bubble. I checked off the internet and checked into my body. I decided to only livestream when I was bubbling over with performance energy, enthusiasm to teach and share the process. The rest of the time, all the moments in between, were just for me. One of my favorite moments was when I did press “Go Live” and the rainstorm fell from the sky. I dragged the canvas out onto the balcony and painted a sunset in 8min with an online audience cheering me on. The big raindrops left indents in the paint. This moment still fills me we joy. It’s a very pure moment of creation for me because I feel like a little kid playing in the sprinklers. I love creating in collaboration with the rain, allowing it to affect what I’ve done, embracing the change out of my control. To be in teamwork with the elements, the Earth, the universe, the gods is satisfaction beyond any work I do alone.

Sipping jasmine tea with the sunrise. I grew up with the sunrise. I discovered the sunset when I was 24. I celebrated my 25th birthday in Maui, licking ice cream on Sugar Beach, sitting on a log alone with my mom’s voice on the other end of the phone, watching a red pink sunset. Maui gave me love of sunsets. My childhood home gave me love of sunrises. My mother is a sunrise woman. I’m learning how to be both. I dream of living on top of a hill so I may watch both everyday. If I need to choose, I would choose a house that faces the sunrise so I may wake up enjoying the first light of day as my wake up call, so I may wake up gently in the light, drinking, stretching, painting awake. Once the sunrise draws me into living and I’ve flowed through the sacred morning routine, I am free to scamper off into the world of humans to engage, perform, teach and show what is channeling through me. And the end of the day? Well, you can find me on a beach at sunset. Sunset is to be enjoyed out there in nature. I love to run to the edge of the land to wave goodbye, goodnight, to my beloved sun. Wake me up in the morning!

The satisfaction of sunlight illuminating the colors on the canvas. Hello, color!! Now THAT is what you look like in all your majesty. A light shining on the artwork brings out the subtle shades, hues and textures. The sunlight has a special quality that makes the paintings sparkle with magic. What light has more magic than the sun? The light of the sun floods in and touches the light I’ve painted in pigments. I paint the sun. I paint the sunsets and now I begin painting sunrises. How does the sun feel when it sees the suns I’ve painted? Does it recognize itself with love? Oh, this human has painted me! What a beautiful way to worship! She plays with colors just like me. I love to paint sunsets in the clouds every night, just like she does. Oh, she’s copying my work? I’m flattered.

Love & Rainbows,
Cha Wilde

Painting In Colorful Old Town Phuket

I need freedom and space as I envelope my children, my creations, in magical love with intentionality, compassion and open communication. I cherish the listening space of the quiet mother. I am evolving as an artist. What am I creating now? What am I contributing? I play with paint for the sake of playing with paint. I sing from my heart for the sake of singing. Perfectionism is just a line-backer blocking my way. Why do I go forward through it? It’s all connected. Why am I given all these ideas? Why do I share so much? Why not just stay in my own world, enjoying my own company? I’m so curious. This world and that world, everywhere is my world. Nothing is mine and so am I.

I keep choosing the most relaxing options. It is not the way forward to be most productive. It is the way forward to be most relaxed. Ironically, most relaxed leads to most productive. Less is more.

When I feel overwhelmed, I slow down. Where am I really needed in this moment? I wander colorful streets in scorching tropical sun and let the burdens I’ve been carrying drip away with the sweat on my spine. Energy is available to connect with people, to reflect. Faith in my way led by the body. faith to follow what feels good.

I know how I want to be loved. My body feels what it likes and it deserves to be loved as it loves to be loved. I give my body all the attention I have and watch it blossom like the pink flowers of old Phuket.

What work is worthy? Do the work that is most worthy of the only time I have. I want to create something beautiful, substantial. I want to taste the satisfaction of completing projects. The finish line is the sweet fragrance of rosella tea and raspberry truffle melting on my tongue as I sit in Dru-Brew producing music, a new song almost birthed! A medicine song! I’m chanting with the sounds of Ubud, Bali! This is the first song I’ve produced on this traveling journey. Hearing myself sounding new is opening doors in my heart.

Santa is coming. It’s 82 degrees outside.

Friends tell me it’s snowing. As far as I’m aware, it’s always summer now.

Love yourself well. Keep your heart warm and open. Your smile matters. Love & Rainbows, Cha Wilde

Shelf Days in Krabi at Sunn Coffee Bar

Some days are “shelf days”, says my mother. There are days for great adventure (like yesterday when I went scuba diving for the first time) and other days are for errands, processing and resting. Today in Aonang, Thailand is a shelf day. I play in the pool, pack up souvenirs and paintings and drop them off at the post-office. “Please send this box to my mother in America,” I pray it arrives safely.

I spend my morning at Sunn Coffee Bar with my friend Lek. Lek is a Thai man originally from Bangkok who lived in Seattle for a few years as a teenager / young man. I found his hidden gem coffee shop at the very back end of an alleyway, just down from Aonang Beach. Finally!!! This is the best coffee I’ve tasted on my journey. It’s the service and love he pours into it. His coffee making machinery is old school manual measurements and loud steaming screaming machines that adds to this charming industrial vibe experience. If you walk into Lek’s shop, you’ll find him sitting there watching a Korean TV show on his laptop or he’ll be smiling and pouring coffee for whoever just walked in the door. After my first visit he knew my name and my favorite drink order. He opened a tab for me. He asked me each day about little details of my life I’d mentioned in passing the previous day. He understands the beauty of a simple life in a chill town, drinking good coffee. He opened his shop in the middle of COVID. He said he didn’t turn profit during that time (obviously, it was COVID and people told him it was crazy to open a shop)…he believed that humans needed a place to come to gather for a good coffee. That mission was enough of a reward for him.

Sleeping at the Krabi Tipa Resort means you get to be greeted by these playful elephants in the lobby. I don’t know if the towels were thrown on their head intentionally. Playing elephants is instant joy. They’re everywhere here.

My habits are merging with Rae’s habits. We’re such similar creatures. We’re starting our days with coffee and eating fresh mangos; juice dripping down our arms. A fresh dragonfruit is a cool breakfast. The mango is a perfect lunch. These superfruit superfood to keep us glowing healthy all day long until Thai dinner time! We start planning our dinner in the morning. We survive on fresh fruit and snacks all day long. Eating the mangos on the balcony with a soft breeze is a simple pleasure, deeply sensual, and now a staple part of my days.

From my journal:
”Scuba diving yesterday - wow, life changing moment. I came into deep clarity and resurfaced ready to take action. … I love playing in the pool. Krabi Tipa Resort is the best pool/view I’ve enjoyed so far. … I feel so clear that I want to be here in the water in Thailand, on the boats, diving, running the beach, swimming, painting, writing, practicing yoga. I feel peace of mind. Underwater I feel peace. I love the feeling of floating in water. The parrot fish is so beautiful, rainbow colors!

I’m sitting in this Sunn coffee shop with the guys and it’s so perfect. Hard to leave. Who will I meet in Phuket? Which way will I move forward as I write?

“It’s good to have positive energy; it carries you smoothly through the day,” said Lek.”

Love & Rainbows,
Cha Wilde

Seeing Clearly Underwater: My First Experience Scuba Diving in Thailand

Get close to the queen. Yes, please. Run away with a pirate. Even better.

There are some moments I wish would last forever; sitting on the bow of the boat, falling in love with a man of the sea, dancing beneath the desert stars high on life, youth, music and MDMA.

Scuba diving. Life changing moment. I came into deep Self energy and resurfaced with clarity, read to take confident action. Underwater I knew I had to transition the relationship with my girlfriend back into friendship. I knew I would be in Phuket for the coming months to learn how to scuba dive while writing. I knew I would be walking The Wonderland Trail around Mt. Rainier next summer, possibly with my great love. I knew my great love and I would be making songs together from opposite sides of the planet. Thank you modern technology!

I know clarity when I see through it. I want to be here on the water in Thailad, on the boats, diving, running on the beach in the morning, walking on the dark beach at night after a full dinner, swimming in pools with epic views of infinity, painting the colors of coral, recommitting myself each morning to the path of yoga, sitting in the dark shower before bed strumming guitar and singing in an improvised made up language the song of my heart.

Underwater I felt peace. I had anticipated peace would be floating around me in the clear water. I was surprised to find the peace was in my soul and the clarity was in my mind. I took one big step off the back of a boat and sunk into a new level of living.

Everything is okay. If my great love falls in love with another. It’s okay. If my heart is broken. It’s okay. If I feel jealousy. It’s okay. If we laugh through it. It’s okay. Crying. It’s okay. Whatever. It’s all okay. I am spacious enough to inhale all of it and with a deep bubbling exhale I know, it’s okay.

After scuba diving, I walked from one end of town to the other end of town. I let loose on a shopping spree, buying decorations for a house I do not have. Wrap it up tight in bubbles and I’ll send it home to mom. She’ll hold onto it until I’m ready to unpack them one day; the lantern, the dream-catcher, the little elephant statue and the tea set. I’ll forget about them before I see them again. What a surprise I’m giving to my future self!

I love befriending shopkeepers when their gratitude shines with their smiles and bows. “You made my day. Thank you so much for helping me,” he said. How amazing it feels to hand over money when it’s received with such deep appreciation!

Traveling has connected me with my parents. I feel them within me everyday. I wonder where they are on Earth today. Traveling, always traveling. I believe my dad is sailing to Antarctica right now as my mother is taking another exotic cooking class in America. I don’t know where you’ll find me in the future. Where will I live? I only know where I live right now.

From now on, I’d love to dive at least once a week. I would love to be on the big boat bouncing, carving through the waves. I would love to nurture the mermaid in me! I’ll play with colors and words as I sit on the shore, in between visits to the ocean.

I seem to dislike good things at first. I have fallen in love slowly with some parts of the universe while other parts have me falling in love quickly. I know the way forward is ease, playful joy, letting go, handing over and being present. It’s the same realization every time. I fall in love quickly with new places, new things, new people. At first though, I resist, and then…love.

Love & Rainbows,
Cha Wilde

Path to the Core - Klang Klang Beach, Koh Lanta

I wanted to be so much more. Maybe this is enough. A yellow butterfly and the sentence I write about the yellow butterfly. I love all the Muslim cats in Klang Klang Beach; fluffy on the porch, round paws in the sand, scruffy faces on the sidewalk, round eyes under the barstool, every color in the grass beside the tethered cows. The wide quiet roads on this island bake in the sun, scooters make obnoxiously loud engine noise, and roosters and birds chat in the trees.

Life revolves around yoga, reading, coffee and food. “What shall we have for dinner?” is the question that surfaced once we’ve answered the first question of the day, “Where shall we have coffee?” Twice I visited Lazy Bird Cafe on this two day weekend getaway. Cappuccino with cacao and almond milk please. One hour after that, an açaí smoothie bowl, please. Two hours after that, a quinoa salad or fresh coconut, please.

Rae and I pop into the roadside grocery store to fill our bags with dragon fruits, mangos, water bottles, local “Beng-Beng” chocolate waffer bars, beautiful dark roasted chasers, dried anchovies with sesame seeds, and dried braid beans. I snack in the shade, listening to an audio book about Somatic Descent. Rae snacks in the direct sun (she’s becoming a golden goddess) while reading a historical fiction war novel.

The grains of sand are enormous here, rich with shells. My feet sink into the wet moving beach earth. Waves wash over my feet again and again as the mind wanders. Life is so much more expanded after I’ve completed daily yoga practice and meditation. It’s cracked wide open like a fruit or a shell. I cracked the body open and now I can suck the juice out of life. What came up in my yoga practice this morning? — Spiritual practices are the path to the core. Walk the path everyday to keep it clear and familiar, quick and easy to navigate. Home is within. Know the way home. The yoga practice each morning, just after waking up, is a physical journey home, back into the body, into the core. After a night of sleep in faraway lands of fantasy, the asana reunited the mind with the body in this realm and the rest of the day is lived in harmony.

and this is where the mind wanders…

What is this uncertainty inside that pulls and distracts and tugs and bothers me and nags at the mind all day and in the dreams? What is the soul saying? What have I been too afraid to hear myself say, the deeper truth aching inside?

How can I say it when I don’t have total confidence in any outcome, when I suffer consequences in every direction, when my words will forever ripple pain through many families?

Discomfort in uncertainty melts away in the warmth of guitar chords played beside the pool in the afternoon sun. Water trickling down my skin, leopard print bikini now wet and one with me, gratitude shining softly for this instrument that heals me again. I forgot the power of acoustic music to sooth me back to wellness, to draw the wandering mind back into the body. Just be in vibration.

After three days and two nights at Pinky Bungalows on Klang Klang Beach on Koh Lanta, I lifted heavy bags and crawled into the backseats of a 4hr van ride with Rae. Tucked in with water bottles, pomegranate juice, broad beans and anchovies, Kindles balancing on our knees, jungle trees zooming green in the windows, and water for a moment as we crossed on a ferry, I reflected…

What did Koh Lanta teach you?

“She brought me back to my morning yoga practice with Brandon. She showed me the beauty of living with another human whose speed, rhythm, and interests align; the effortlessness of moving together from one place and activity to the next. She showed me the power of waking up in light to a beautiful view, close to the earth and all elements. She gave me the big grains of sand and the ocean sunsets that fill me with hot wonder. She took away the noise of busy streets and made the rooster crow for me again. For me, the rooster is a sign of peace, of being in a good place, a place close to the heart. She suggested I return to the yoga retreat in Portugal where this journey began. She nudged me to write handwritten letters again. She hugged me in warm salt water to give me a home and blew soft warm zephyrs all over my body to show me how much I am adored. She heard me laugh a lot. She surprised me with fluffy cats around every corner, knowing this would bring me joy. She gave me more opportunities to speak up for myself and made the day hot with sun when I said “no” aloud with shaky voice. She delivered a row of coconut oil with SPF to make me smile at memories and introduced me to lucky shells.”

Love and Rainbows,

Cha Wilde

Return to the Body, Yoga Practice • Koh Lanta, Thailand

Once again I step into my yoga practice and this is what turns up from the soul of my soul.

Oh, the urge to be defined! “I am this, I am that.” The recipe to the solution is wonderfully simple. “Yoga, Water, Vegetables, Sleep”. How interesting it is to feel clear commitment, to know to what I am unquestionably committed. “If there is tension in your body we will find it.” My body is at peace with its own rhythm. We can tell when we have left the body when we see mental visions and hear mental chatter, following the thoughts down their wandering, pondering, never ending paths. I feel a deep reminiscent longing to return to the present moment. My body remembers the perfect way I felt in the green fields of Somerset; England on a summer day, songbirds hiding in the grass.

Showing up to yoga is the hardest part. Showing up in every pose. Showing up the whole way through. Yoga poses are a seat for meditation. I sit myself in each posture, shapes my body knows intimately, and I feel the tension that has built inside my torso, around my heart and lungs.

Deeper, fuller breaths have become more difficult to draw and my pranayama practice has drifted off since beginning meditation training with the shaman. A shallow breath in the nose, counting the exhales, leaves my body numb and empty. I need to breath with my entire body, feeling the expansion and contraction ripples through every cell.

The numbness develops from months of half-assed and avoided practice. Aliveness returns quickly when my eyes lock into focus, committed drishti burns the fire of attention into my body parts. I begin with the toes. My right big toe is the first place to receive all my attention. With this simple intentional moment of connection, eyes to toe, I return to my practice, the prodigal daughter once again.

From a balcony and a beach in Koh Lanta, Thailand, I enter this body again. I’m called into it again, knowing this is the way forward, knowing this is the path I walk to the center. The practice in the morning awakens my senses so the sand feels grainier, the water feels silkier, the wind feels friendlier, my heart opens wider and my mind thinks few and kinder words.

I run from the practice from time to time, dropping excuses out of my pockets as I sprint away. As I walk back to myself, I bend over and pick up the excuses one by one, kissing them sweetly and returning them to the pocket or tossing them in the ditch if I really am done with them. The colors at the end of the day are more vibrant and pleasing to my smiling soul when vision has been cleaned by the breath and the tension has been released from the limbs. This is all I want; to be fully alive and deeply pleased by this beautiful moment.

Love & Rainbows,

Cha Wilde

Laughing Our Way to the Most Epic Sunset in Koh Lanta

I walk out of the palace, loaded up with heavy bags, ready for my trip with Rae to Koh Lanta. God, I hope there will be a TukTuk taxi available right now. I’ve had the worst luck with getting rides around Aonang. Turns out, everything works out for me perfectly. Just as I emerged from the palace driveway, a tuktuk driver beeps at me and I wave at her. She arrived serendipitously. I prayed for a TukTuk and there she was. I never see TukTuks on this road. Miracle!! Five minutes later, wind fresh in my hair, we’re laughing and taking selfies together. Her name is Cha. My name is Cha. Amazed. This is the first person I’ve met with my name. She drops me off at Sunn Coffee and as we wave goodbye she gives me her phone number so I can call her whenever I need a ride.

I have finally found my local, the spot where you can find me now for coffee each morning. This spot, Sunns Coffee, is home of the best coffee I’ve tasted in Thailand, brewed by a man from Bangkok who twenty years ago lived not 30min minutes from my childhood home. We may have passed each other on the Seattle streets two decades ago and now he pours me coffee in a hidden corner of Aonang, Thailand. This right here is coffee done right, coffee created with intention, a loud squeal of steamed milk, the beloved crema eager to kiss my lips and a deep smile and shallow bow as it is placed before me on a round wooden table. Coffee given from one human to another with ritual love. We may not know each other yet and the way he serves me coffee assured me we will know each other soon. We already understand something intimate and beautiful about one another. We begin our days with the same pretty passion and pause.

Lek is pouring coffee before the rest of the town wakes up. At 6:30am I’m walking into his shop. Rae and I are heading to Koh Lanta today and I’m picking up coffee for both of us. I’m going to surprise her. She thinks she won’t have coffee this morning because our van is leaving before the other coffee shops open. I order two flat whites (I know she likes this style of coffee) and carry them away in a to-go carrier. The van pulls up and she’s waving at me through the window. She loves me more as I hand her a surprise cup of caffeine. The guitar slide in between our legs. Our feet are on top of our bags. We’re stuffed in the van with a dozen strangers, all of us heading to a little island in Thailand for peace and quiet.

The van keeps stopping randomly. Is the driver getting a coffee? What’s he doing now? Rae and I are laughing the entire multi-hour journey. The attitude is extremely casual with no communication between driver and passengers. For all we know, the driver could be taking his kids to school on the way and stopping for a dentist appointment. We’re resigned to the journey, eating dried bananas in the squished seating. Normally, I’m quiet with headphones on in a public transport. This time, Rae and I are chatting and laughing and everyone can follow along with our banter if they choose to listen. It’s actually wonderful to have a friend to be obnoxiously loud with.

Someone on the bus laughed out loud when we told the driver we would like to be dropped off at “Pinky Bungalows". WTF is so funny about that? Does it sound girly or something? Haha we were still laughing as we checked in at the wonderfully cheap and cheerful Pink themed hotel. The Thai lady behind the desk was sassy and stylish. She closes her eyes, nods with her lips pursed saying, “You like Pinky Bungalows. You know Pinky is the best.”

We walk for five minutes through a dirt alleyway passing cats lounging in the shady doorsteps, our feet slipping into a muddy dirt road through a long grass field where grazing cows who are tied to the ground with a rope through their noses don’t bother looking up, beneath a grove of picture-perfect palm trees and we pop out onto the beach.

My feet sink into soft sand and colorful shells roll in the water. It’s always a homecoming when the soles of these feet kiss sand and the ocean runs up to greet them.

We walk until Rae feels drawn to a beach bar blasting reggae music. We order fresh coconuts. The music is a little intense for me. I usually pick quiet spots where I can listen to the ocean sounds, the birds, the breath in my nose. Other people rarely turn on the radio stations I listen to, the music that adds to my experience. Honestly, most of the time, I’m enduring other people’s music choices. I feel very particular. I sense the perfect song for each moment and I carry headphones with me always so I can pop into a magical bubble on demand. Sometimes, I challenge myself to relax into the vibe that another person has chosen. Sometimes I succeed and I blend in with the reggae, sometimes it just gets under my skin and eventually I walk away down the beach until I only hear waves and roosters. I’m so used to being on my own that little choices like where to sit on the beach have not been an issue until now. Suddenly, I’m traveling with a friend and we seem to gravitate to different soundscapes. How uncomfortable to compromise! What a learning curve to synchronize life movements to another human being, even one so aligned and similar to me as Rae! So I spend some moments with her and some off on my own. I’m learning the balance of solitude and companionship.

Oh, and of course on the way to the beach we stopped for snacks. The little corner grocery stores around here are so grungy and totally absent of Western policies. It’s so soul-delighting to browse the shelves for a chocolate bar and discover a cat relaxing with the cups of noodles.

Feet up, I lay there to welcome one of, if not the most epic sunsets I’ve ever seen in my life. The soft pastels puffed in the clouds until a dark blue dusk rolled in to cover the entire sky and ocean. The world was blue and the horizon was fire. I memorized this moment, this splendid vision, and felt full of inspiration to play with paint again.

Love & Rainbows,
Cha Wilde

The Temple and The God - n16

I am a wild woman. I need a partner who brings me stability; regulation, reliability, calm comfort, reassurance, protection and courage, a partner who worships me the way I worship myself, a partner who worships himself the way I worship him, a partner who shares the type of freedom I love, breathes slowly with deep curiosity, surprises and unwinds me with light laughter, and feels his bare feet on the ground beside me however far apart we stand. I am a temple. He must know he enters as god. As god, his every breath is felt by the cells in my body, knowing they are loved if he breathes with love, knowing they are in danger if he breathes with lust. As temple, I hold god so he may rest in the light shining in the windows. Only in the full present moment is the temple medicine received.

Perfect Beach Mornings, Bad Coffee, Panoramas

Watery espresso, three bananas and a jackhammer. What a twist from the lapping waves, sand exfoliating my naked body on the desert beach at sunrise. The perfect run down the beach followed by the perfect nightmare (for the one with a morning coffee ritual). I’ll sit here for 15min, eat one banana, carry the other two with me (they’ve already been peeled open so I can’t very well put them in my bag now). Who eats three bananas in one sitting?! I’ll casually pour the coffee into the plant and replace the empty cup on the saucer to make it appear I’ve actually imbibed the repulsive liquid. I’m needlessly taking care of someone else’s feelings here. I won’t think it’s worth complaining as my English won’t be understood anyway. And what am I supposed to do with this tiny cup of hot water that was served beside the already too-watery espresso, which has no crema and was meant to be a macchiato. Hm.

I’ve started taking panoramic photographs. It is SO SATISFYING! It does the job. I’ve been spending so much of myself to frame the perfect shots, taking lots of individual photos that don’t capture the overall feeling, the full essence, the wider view, of this place I’m in. And then it dawned on my to switch my phone camera to panoramic mode and voila! THAT is what I wanted. Here is what I’m seeing. Take it all in! One shot and we’re done!

Craving Music As I Travel

Rain all day. I tried the exotic Tom Yum Coffee, wrote in my journal and hung out with my followers on livestream. These days are simple and providing a stark backdrop for my busy mind to wander and problem solve. Miles I’m walking. Pages I’m filling. Videos I’m uploading. And new songs are flowing in! When I first arrived in Thailand it felt very empty, run down, almost boring, and I heard a voice repeatedly ask, “Why am I here?” Another voice responded without words assuring we would find the reason with patience, paying attention to what the body is asking for. It will reveal itself to us in time.

I beat the brushes on the canvas and didn’t care if the paint smeared into a poop-colored ugly mess. I feel frustrated, emotionally stuck, cluttered. I do not feel like painting. Playing with colors isn’t relieving the symptoms of life. I clearly need to beat something and send vibrations through this body to clear the energy. I knew I wanted a drum on this beach. I saw visions of myself sitting in the sand, watching the waves, playing the hand pan and singing improvised magic languages off a soft tongue. I tried to find a hand pan in Ubud but the good ones are in Hungary. Pao Pamaki told me to buy one from Mag Instruments and take lessons from teachers in Bali. Now I’m here in Thailand it is doubly clear that my body is ready to make music again. Painting cannot reach the deeper crevasse of my soul, only music can flow into those cracks and fill them up. This is why music is like water, like sex. Music, water, sex all belong to the sacral chakra; my favorite chakra.

I see a book flowing out of me quickly now. Pages everyday are surprising me. Where inside me were these words stored away for so long? Now here they are, so beautiful! Most of the words in this growing story have not been written on this blog. They are in phone notes and journals, waiting to be read in a future. Those sentences are so raw and vulnerable for me, pulled from deeper parts of my being, written as a cry and a declaration. It is bold to publish them. I wonder what they’ll feel like to read, gathered and bound. Who will they touch? What will they change?

What am I here for if not to enjoy everything? Between the beach and the palace, I feel called to the beach. I’ve opened up to include so much and now here we are, including so much. It takes fits to keep evolving forward after finding something that worked so well for a moment, for many consecutive moments. Changing direction is scary after the lessons of consistency have been engrained. Why is it so hard to get my head around this?

from the journal….

“Magic is in the music. I want a hand pan. I want a band. I want to sing Kirtan. I want to make music! I want to make medicine music. I want the beach. I need vibration. — What are you goi nag to do about it? — We can go sing on the beach. We can go buy a guitar or a drum. We can buy a hand pan. We can dance to music.”

He told me I was born to play with the color pink.

love & rainbows,

Cha Wilde